I have a few weeks of school break right now, and it’s totally throwing me.
Confession: I despise school breaks. I know, I’m a freak- there, I said it for you.
Don’t get me wrong- when I was a kid I looked forward to school breaks just like any other normal kid. Mine were always filled with day camps and parties and playdates and enrichment classes and family time, and I loved every second.
Somewhere along the line, all that changed.
School breaks mark some of the most stressful and depressed times of my life. I didn’t even realize this until last fall, but since then I’ve thought a lot about it. I think I’ve discovered the reason behind the insanity:
I have ridiculous expectations.
So, that’s pretty much the story of my life, but it gets especially out of hand on school vacation. During the school year, I am completely busy with going to school full time and running a business. I find I cut myself a little slack (lest I die from over-exertion). However, in the back of my mind I am always making promises that when finals are over I will:
Finish decorating the house (perfectly, of course)…
Return all those emails and facebook messages…
Catch up on all my photo editing…
Organize the file cabinet…
Do spring cleaning…
Get in shape…
Visit all the family and friends we miss…
Handwrite letters…
Make those sewing alterations…
Apply for scholarships…
Update my [long-neglected] blog…
Look at PhD programs…
Begin my research for next year…
Take cookies and introduce ourselves to the neighbors we haven’t met since we moved here in September…
Finally create and order our wedding photo book… 4 years after we got married…and did I mention I’m a photographer?!
And a million other things. All within the 3 week time span I have off from school. Oh, and I will rest and relax so chronic illness doesn’t rear it’s ugly head.
But it just never works out that way. Instead, I get sick as a result of pushing my body too hard the last semester. And I do too much too soon since I set expectations that were too high, so I spend the entire break feeling icky. I have no structure or deadlines so I don’t know what to tackle when; I feel like I run in circles. I panic because I only have ___ number of days left to get all this done!!! I begin to feel purposeless.
It doesn’t feel much like vacation.
I wish I could wrap this post up in some cute, neat little package, complete with a “life lesson.” I know I could write about God’s mandate for us to rest, or about balance, or relaxation, or not finding our value in efficiency. I see that potential there, but that’s just not where I am at right now. I want to be sincere with you, and right now that is just to leave it open-ended. To sit with the discomfort. To accept reality right now for what it is. It might not be ideal, but it’s real and genuine… and I can live with that.
What is your reality right now?
