Blind Obedience

A few weeks ago, God told me to stop taking new weddings.

It was a shock- and yet it wasn't.  I was surprised, yet looking back I can see whispers of Him preparing my heart.

I obeyed.  It was hard, but there is something about the energy of the time after a decision- it's a certainty, a conviction that makes obedience a little easier.

It's after the shiny newness of obedience wears off- like, say, now- when it takes looking straight up at God and putting one foot in front of the other.  To look around and get your bearings is to realize your decision doesn't make sense by the world's standards.

I am there.

I don't know what the end result of this is.  I don't know if I am done with weddings for a time or forever.  On this road, the explanation is around the bend, hidden from my view.  And there are so. many. other things going on that I don't understand right now.

I am blinded, and I think God wants it that way.

He wants me to be utterly confounded, so that there is no way I can rely on logic or reason or "figuring this out."  He is reminding me this is His story, not mine.

A few months ago, I was reading this blog post when this quote grabbed my attention:

"Lord, you are God and I am not.  May your will, not mine, be done."

I wrote it on a post-it and stuck it on my bathroom mirror until it finally fell off.  By then I had it memorized.

 The funny thing is that it doesn't say "May your will be done when it agrees with mine."  Wouldn't it be great if it worked that way?  Okay, on second thought, maybe not.  But that seems to be my leaning.

And it's sin.

And God is cleansing my heart of it...one foot in front of the other...one step at a time.

Complaining and Bragging At the Same Time

I read this article in the middle of the night last night.  Even in the midst of my bleary-eyed fog, it made perfect sense.  If you are are reading this, it will probably make sense to you, too.

"If you live in America in the 21st century you’ve probably had to listen to a lot of people tell you how busy they are. It’s become the default response when you ask anyone how they’re doing: “Busy!” “So busy.” “Crazy busy.” It is, pretty obviously, a boast disguised as a complaint."

This phenomena has annoyed me for a long time.  How should one respond to the complaint of busyness, especially when stated negatively and not cheerfully?  So many times, it's as if people want sympathy for the consequences of their own choices:

"It’s almost always people whose lamented busyness is purely self-imposed: work and obligations they’ve taken on voluntarily, classes and activities they’ve “encouraged” their kids to participate in. They’re busy because of their own ambition or drive or anxiety, because they’re addicted to busyness and dread what they might have to face in its absence."

How does one respond to "well, I've overscheduled myself and I don't like it and now I am going to complain to you and please make me feel better?"  I don't know.  Don't get me wrong- this is not me simply pointing out the flaws of others, this is me admitting my own.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have been doing.  My mom talks about me sitting at the kitchen table and doing my "projects" (leftover Sunday school materials from my Grandma) at two years old.  It has been a lifelong habit, maybe even an obsession.  But it flies in the face of Scripture.  A verse that I have been meditating on a lot lately is:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." - Matthew 11:28-29

I am not sure what Jesus' yoke looks like, but I know I want it.  And the days of working 16 hours straight and not eating a real meal or going to the gym or leaving my house or even knowing what time it is, of just 5 minutes of undivided attention for my husband when he gets home, of stress and frustration and being burned out; well, I just don't think that's God's way.

 "The present hysteria is not a necessary or inevitable condition of life; it’s something we’ve chosen, if only by our acquiescence to it."

This quote reminds me: It is a CHOICE.  As Josh and I are in a time of transition and making lot's of changes anyway, why not throw one more in the mix?  I am 26 right now, and I have wasted too many years being "busy."  I would rather be purposeful, obedient, and peaceful.  That's easy to say, but challenging to do, especially in a culture that often equates rest with laziness and busyness with success.  But I don't want to follow the world, I want to follow Jesus.  I am jumping off the train of insanity, and I am hoping to take others with me.  Wanna come?

Two Words

I've never done a link-up before, but her question intrigues me:

What is saving your life right now?

And after reading her answer, and finding it's not some rote, Sunday-school response, but real and practical and in-this-moment, I think I just might give it a try.

What's saving my life right now is two words.

Just two.

This from the person who almost always has more than enough words.

Over the last few months, God has been very choosy about what He speaks to me when I listen.  There are rumblings of multiple thoughts and ideas, but only two words are clear and repeated and undeniable.  I think He might be speaking so judiciously out of a plan to get me to focus.

The first is SLOW.

A foreign concept to me.  I am rarely slow, and to slow causes me anxiety.  I have been hearing this one for a while now, but wasn't certain how to obey.  I started doing individual actions slower, and praying and meditating on verses that relate to "slow" and "rest" and "be," but nothing really sunk in until last week.  Josh told me I seemed really scatterbrained, and I agreed that I was.  I was all over the place and had no idea how to fix it.  He asked what I needed; I said I didn't know, but if I had a client like me, I might suggest a break.

Long story shorter, I will be taking an extended break this fall- from shooting, editing, therapy, research, etc. I haven't even really wrapped my head around it or sorted out details, but we both feel peace that this is glorifying to the Lord.  And if I am honest, it's part of what's saving me right now.  I have lots more to say, but that will come another time.

The second is LEAN.


He spoke this to me Friday for the first time, so there has been significantly less fleshing-out of this concept for me.  But the thing that sticks out to me, that I love, is that to lean is an action.  It is not passive, it is something I can do.  I don't know why that makes a difference but it does.  And if it is important enough for God to say it clearly in this time of limited speaking on His part, it's important enough for me to follow.

What is saving your life right now?

Linking to www.sarahbessey.com.

Delete Distraction

I did something today that I am pretty sure I never thought I would do:


I deleted my Pinterest boards.


{FULL DISCLOSURE: I will continue to have a membership for if I need to search something specific, and a board for my clients.}
 

Yeah, I know.


It's something I believe I've felt the Lord leading me to for a few days now, but it {sadly} has taken that time for me to be obedient.


Because I like Pinterest.  Neat little organized virtual bulletin boards, what could be sinful about that?


But for me it was heading in that direction.


I love the concept, and I've been on there for a long, long time now.  The promise of perfection, of a Martha-Stewart-perfect world in which everything looked beautiful all the time.  Of efficiency, originality, creativity.  {Would you believe, though, that it has in many ways stifled my creativity????}  I had hundreds of pins, representing more time searching and browsing than I care to admit.  It began as a useful tool- a place to get ideas for and organize Christmas gifts and recipes.  I was drawn to the control of it all- no mess, no uncertainty, no real life.


But it has become a crutch and a temptation.  I've known since I was very young that whatever I do, I give 100%.  That has been a blessing and a curse.  Pinterest has become like one more to-do list in the back of my head, one of pressures and "shoulds" and I'd-be-a-better-wife-if and comparison and discontent and it brought me back to something I said when talking to a dear friend earlier this month:


"I just don't have time for satan's games."


We are on this earth for just a very short time.  I want to be full of Jesus, overflowing with the Holy Spirit with love to others.  I don't have room or time or resources to spare- we have a purpose and a calling and a reason He has placed us on this earth.  I am so grateful God opened my eyes before this became more of a issue.  Now that I've divorced myself from it, I am able to see more clearly what I distraction it had become.


And that is what scares me- distraction.


I've shared a lot on here about our desire to live simply.  Purposefully.  Free {as much as possible} from distractions.  We have very obviously seen the acquisition of material goods as distracting to us.  It's like every time you buy something new, satan whispers "More, more."  He is the father of lies, and he will do anything he can to get us to believe that Jesus isn't enough.


And that is a big, fat lie.  Jesus is enough.  No amount of perfect recipes or decor or fashion or crafts is going to satisfy.  They are here and gone, and leaving us wanting more.  But He is so faithful, drawing us near, loving, teaching, merciful, and caring.  He loves us as we REALLY are.  I'd rather work on that relationship than on false perfection any day.


I feel a little more free already.







***DISCLAIMER: This is not to be seen as a commentary on Pinterest in general, but on my personal experience.***

Burden

I always miss Africa and the people there with whom we built relationships.  But some days- or most usually, nights- I miss Africa and her children more acutely.  I am deeply burdened, to the point that I experience it physically.  And I pray for them and think about them and love them, but it still hurts. 

And I want it to.

Not because I'm a masochist or experiencing self-hatred or something, but because I know it's part of God's way of communicating with me.  His children are hurting.  They may be a world away, but they are just as important to Him as any other human being.

He uses this pain to speak to me, to us.  Although we've been back for a while now, Josh and I talk- to God and to each other- about Africa all the time.  And He talks to us.  Not in long, drawn-out epics, but in tiny little snippets that remind us of His plan and His heart, and that remind us of where our plans and hearts need to be.

Following Him, at all cost.

And I beg Him to tell me more RIGHT NOW, because how can He expect me to live with this deep, aching pain in my heart if He won't tell me all the details of what to do about it?

But He has His plan, and His timing, and His way.

 ⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
            declares the LORD.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.
                                             - Isaiah 55:8-9

I thank Him and praise Him for His Word, for sharing these truths with me.  I am so grateful that, even when I don't know, He does.  I don't need to know, because He is all-knowing and loving and trustworthy.  I cling to these verses, as I have since He turned my heart to see Him in the people of Africa. Not only does He care fore me, but He cares for them, too.

Sometimes it hurts more than I think I can bear.  LOVE hurts.  Not in some 80's ballad sort of way, but in a real, sacrificial, Savior-dying-for-my-sins kind of way.  Jesus uses this burden to chip away at the hollow, hardened shell that is my heart, exchanging it for infusions of His.  All I can do is wait and listen and be revived.

That, and find comfort in the fact that God loves these people more than I do.  Even when I love with my whole heart, it pales in comparison.  He is more than enough for them- and me.

Why I Dislike School Breaks

I have a few weeks of school break right now, and it’s totally throwing me.   

Confession: I despise school breaks.  I know, I’m a freak- there, I said it for you.   

Don’t get me wrong- when I was a kid I looked forward to school breaks just like any other normal kid.  Mine were always filled with day camps and parties and playdates and enrichment classes and family time, and I loved every second.

Somewhere along the line, all that changed.

School breaks mark some of the most stressful and depressed times of my life.  I didn’t even realize this until last fall, but since then I’ve thought a lot about it.  I think I’ve discovered the reason behind the insanity:

I have ridiculous expectations.

So, that’s pretty much the story of my life, but it gets especially out of hand on school vacation.  During the school year, I am completely busy with going to school full time and running a business.  I find I cut myself a little slack (lest I die from over-exertion).  However, in the back of my mind I am always making promises that when finals are over I will:

Finish decorating the house (perfectly, of course)…

Return all those emails and facebook messages…

Catch up on all my photo editing…

Organize the file cabinet…

Do spring cleaning…

Get in shape…

Visit all the family and friends we miss…

Handwrite letters…

Make those sewing alterations…

Apply for scholarships…

Update my [long-neglected] blog…

Look at PhD programs…

Begin my research for next year…

Take cookies and introduce ourselves to the neighbors we haven’t met since we moved here in September…

Finally create and order our wedding photo book… 4 years after we got married…and did I mention I’m a photographer?!

And a million other things.  All within the 3 week time span I have off from school.  Oh, and I will rest and relax so chronic illness doesn’t rear it’s ugly head.

But it just never works out that way.  Instead, I get sick as a result of pushing my body too hard the last semester.  And I do too much too soon since I set expectations that were too high, so I spend the entire break feeling icky.  I have no structure or deadlines so I don’t know what to tackle when; I feel like I run in circles.  I panic because I only have ___ number of days left to get all this done!!!  I begin to feel purposeless.

It doesn’t feel much like vacation.  

I wish I could wrap this post up in some cute, neat little package, complete with a “life lesson.”  I know I could write about God’s mandate for us to rest, or about balance, or relaxation, or not finding our value in efficiency.   I see that potential there, but that’s just not where I am at right now.  I want to be sincere with you, and right now that is just to leave it open-ended.  To sit with the discomfort.  To accept reality right now for what it is.  It might not be ideal, but it’s real and genuine… and I can live with that.

What is your reality right now?