Wide

Lately, God speaks a little about a lot of things.  For me who craves depth, it leaves me squirmy.  Why does He tell me only bits and pieces, leaving me to wonder and worry about the rest?

It is His way.

I trust Him, and so I trust His way- I guess.  It is uncomfortable, broad instead of deep; wide.

My laser focus for a long time has been work.  This at the expense of relationships... health... balance... recreation... sanity... the more abundant life.

And now it's as if He wants me out of that rut and out of my head, to look wide and up and outside of my drive, and see what He has given.

He gives good gifts, and I am racing right by them.

And I sometimes see and notice, but in a hurried sense- can there be such a thing as hurried gratitude?  That space of "Yes, that's great, but there is more work to be done?"

I did it to be faithful.  An extreme interpretation of this verse, maybe.  I want to honor Him with my life.

Now He's teaching me to wait, commanding me to take a break.  This is a time of cognitive restructuring, and more importantly, a time of heart surgery.  The message I hear lately is

I care more about who you are than what you do.

I hear it, but it's almost as if it doesn't find a home in my consciousness.  So that is what I am working on, accepting this.  Work is not life.  Calling is not even the most important thing.  The tasks God places in front of us are not only by design of what skills and experience we have, but are also (and possibly more) related to how God wants us to grow.

Mind-blowing.

God cares about our hearts that much.

*****

Linking to 5 Minute Friday

Adoption

I want to definitely write more on adoption at another time, but my grad school homework is waiting :(

So, I just wanted to quick share some great links with you:

Here is the post that got me thinking about adoption this morning. Because honestly? Josh and I were already talking about it last night. (No news or anything, just praying about future plans!). What I love most about this post is that Kelly discusses the multifaceted and challenging nature of adoption. As a member of a family that adopted (x2)and fosters (x a lot), I will witness to this. Adoption is a calling. Make no mistake of that. The post also links to a discussion of how we might better support families who adopt- so important

So, I happened over to a link Kelly posted from a family that is currently going through the international adoption process. She is selling these cute and meaningful shirts. And I love a good tank top (so hard to come by these days if you want to leave anything to the imagination!).

Then I clicked on a few more links, and somehow ended up here. I promise I am not usually this much of a procrastinator, but anything for this cause ;) The shirts say "love is waiting," and even though I typically buy a lot of our clothes secondhand (because I'm really cheap), I couldn't see any reason not too. It is clear my money is not going to fund big business or to line the pockets of some rich guy. This is going towards uniting pieces of a family. I can't think of a better way to spend my money.

Well, I probably have already spent more time on this than I should have already...more on this later.

Short-Term Missions Trips

I just wanted to share a quick link with you- seriously, it will take like 5 minutes to read it. To be honest, I am afraid to even broach the subject, like I am afraid to discuss many. Our time in Namibia turned many of our preconceptions on our head. About giving. About serving. About Love. About evangelism. Most importantly, about God.

Up until this point, our lives since we got home have been about surviving, enduring transition, and clinging to Jesus as we re-integrate to this now-somewhat-foreign culture that used to feel like home. It doesn't anymore. Nowhere does completely (for more, check out this past post). And we are okay with that. It has been a really intense time, in so many ways, and we've sometimes struggled with being real and honest, when everyone wants a happy face and a positive report.

The most often-asked question we receive is [often with a wistful sigh] "Wasn't it amazing?" followed by close second in "I can't imagine the fun you had!"

I nod politely and mumble something about us being at peace that was where God wanted us at the time, but inside I am screaming:

"NO! Are you crazy? It was not fun! How can you think I could enjoy seeing people suffer from disease, death, poverty, hunger, abuse, spiritual lies, and things I could never even write here because most hearts can't handle it?????"

Yes, it was amazing- but not in the way they think. I think the best word to describe it is "satisfying."

My heart is forever broken by the things we experienced. Not that it's not joyful about so many triumphs, but my blissful ignorance was shattered. I have seen a greater hurt, one that only Jesus can heal- but don't read that too quickly. The important part is that Jesus CAN heal.

There is so much I want to say, and so much I need to process. Things that aren't necessarily fun or pretty or peaceful. Please take it all with a grain of salt.

He didn't teach us those hard lessons only for us to keep it to ourselves. If there is one thing we have discovered about our first time out, it's that he was laying foundation.

And that is truly the hardest, and most important part of building anything. I feel it. The weight and responsibility of it. The necessity of not forgetting. Needing to not waste even one moment. Just when I think I can't handle one more tiny bit of stress or change, it has come.
But He has been faithful, so faithful. More than I can ever articulate.

I know He has a brilliant and beautiful plan, one I can't fully see, yet. He is worthy of my trust.

I guess this post didn't exactly go as planned, but that's okay. It's pretty much analogous to life, huh? There will be more on short-term mission trips, and so much else. Please allow me to share with you on this journey.

This Is No Sacrifice

We are home in the States, safe and sound.

Even though I have quotes set to continue to load every day for the near future, I felt a pull to post today. After all, this post needs to come on Easter...

Today, as I was sitting at Josh's parents house, I was thinking about Easter and all that it means. It seems that with all of the traveling and reacquainting and settling in and jet lag (we slept 15 hours on Saturday!!!), I have hardly had time to focus on God this weekend. I know most people use "not enough time" as a lame excuse, but I am completely serious and literal about it right now

Of course, that just isn't good enough. It is in these times that we must push ourselves to make time, and to show God that He is our priority.

Everyone goes on about the sacrifices Josh and I have made this last year- being away from family & friends, living in a brutal climate, acclimating to a new culture, etc. And yes, while the last year has been a blessing and privilege in many ways, it has also been a sacrifice. As a result of our decision to be obedient to God's calling on our lives, our families and friends have also had to sacrifice. It has been a challenge for us all.

But when considering "sacrifice", the term is somewhat relative. Relative to the cushy American lifestyle of TV, internet, personal vehicles, homes with multiple bedrooms, vacations, fast food, etc., our choice might look somewhat significant. But this weekend we celebrate God's sacrifice, when He gave His only Son to die for our sins. On a cross; a criminal's death. He was perfect and had done no wrong, but He suffered the consequences of my sin. He died for the salvation of the whole world, but He would have done it for any one of us.

That's real sacrifice. That is the measure against which I want to model my life. To know that my life is no sacrifice, because it isn't really mine at all.

Our dear friend Britt taught a song (by Jason Upton) that has really resonated with me this past year. The chorus says:

"Your thoughts are higher than mine
and your words are deeper than mine.
Your love is stronger than mine.
This is no sacrifice; here's my life."

People often ask us if we will return to Africa. The reality is that we just aren't sure. At this point, it seems that God may be leading us back there, but all the details are hazy and incomprehensible, so really nothing official to report. What I do know is this: I pray God will give us the courage and strength to obey His call, no matter what it might be- whenever, wherever, however. It is terrifying, especially given the fact that we know God may call us to things that are a little different than for most. But what is my life for, if not to do His will? There is nothing I can do to repay Jesus for His mercy, love, generosity, and selflessness. As I see it, all I have to give Him is everything that I am.

My Missions Motto

“We are called not to be successful, but to be faithful.” - Mother Theresa

This has been my missions motto. There is so much that I hope and pray for regarding those we work and live with here in Namibia, but He is in control. He is the only one who can make so many things happen. My job is not to fix things or change people, but rather to faithfully do what God asks from me, submitting to His will. It has been such an important reminder of priorities.

Love Like Crazy

We were asked to do a video for one of our supporting churches, and in order to get the most mileage out of the effort, we thought we could share it right here.

I Miss Them

I love communication-listening, talking, writing, reading; I can't get enough of it. Anyone who knows me can tell you I am rarely at a loss for words. Like oil-well-in-the-backyard, lightening-striking, 80-degree-weather-in-January kind of rare (we are from Minnesota, people). Therefore, when I don't know how to articulate a thought or emotion, it can be...confusing. It totally throws me off my axis.

Anyway, I had one of these rare emotions that I couldn't describe when it came to how I felt about going to Africa. I knew going was right, but there was so much I couldn't explain. How do you explain to a non-believer HOW you know you've been called? They would suggest that maybe it wasn't God's will, but our will. Really? I know I've always wanted to live in a mud hut, not have real showers, be away from almost everyone I love for a year, coexist with scorpions, snakes, and insects, and be exposed to all sorts of fatal disease. Good times. Then there were the people that acted like it wasn't a calling, but rather a vacation. I would just smile at them and not say much.

I try not to make decisions based on emotion (see the Campus Crusade for Christ Fact-Faith-Feeling train). I knew all the facts behind our decision, I had faith the Lord had brought us to this point-He told us through prayer. But the ultimate decision also involved feelings: Josh and I both had an active sense of peace, an enthusiasm for the "assignment," and a burden to serve.

I experienced another overwhelming feeling, one I couldn't articulate, one that grows more intense every day. It was only through the movie Facing the Giants that I heard it described. When the lead characters wife talks about her desire to have a baby, she says, "How can I miss someone so much when I haven't even met them?" That is it; that is exactly what I feel. Only, it's not about my child, it's about God's children.

He has put a burden in my heart that is so powerful, sometimes I feel I can't even breath. I hurt for them, I cry for them, I want to hold them and put them in time-outs when they're naughty and care for them. I can't wait to meet them. I predict I'll spend a solid week just bawling after I meet them. I already love them.

But who am I, to meet such a need? Father, guide me. Give me wisdom, strength, energy, patience, love...

Their need is like none I've ever seen. My parents have done foster care my whole life, and I believe God has been using that as preparation for this time, but it doesn't compare. Disease, child soldiers, sex slavery, poverty, starvation, bitterness, and broken hearts. How can your heart not break???!!!

As the time to leave draws nearer, the greatest struggle for me becomes clear: it will be to leave the kids who have stolen my heart here. The Lovewells, Princess, and my new baby nephew have all taken a piece of my heart, and refuse to return it. But I know that I will see them again. It will be far to long a separation for my liking, but I will see them again.

When we leave Africa, we will most likely never see those kids again. I am already aware I will spend a year of my life pouring myself out, only to never see their future. From a purely logical standpoint, it doesn't really seem reasonable, does it? Nonetheless, God has so convicted me as to not even make it a choice; it is a command. A command to love and serve with my whole heart. A command to make sacrifices, to suffer for others...to put the needs of His children ahead of my own comfort...

How could I refuse? I can't.

It's Kind of Like Swimming...

Mission work is no vacation. Just in my limited missions experience, I've gone for weeks without showers, traveled to foreign countries where no one speaks my language, lived with people I've never met before, eaten things I won't even mention here, not been able to call home for months, been tracked by the government, had my room ransacked by "maids" who turned out to be spies, had things that looked like they were from a science-fiction movie crawl out of my shower drain, and have had to speak in code, lest be deported. (Wow- at this point I sound so much cooler than I really am.)

But the thing I most dread about mission work is "support raising." This is pretty much a euphemism for begging in the name of God. To be sure, it is a necessary part of mission work, as we don't want to be a burden on those we are serving, but raising support is most definitely a humbling and challenging experience.

The first challenge is explaining to those around you how you know you are called to serve the Lord in a distant land. Why can't you just serve Him right here? We certainly have need in America. For a look at how the need compares, view East Africa Statistics or Cultural Disparity). Are you sure you aren't projecting your own desires onto something you term "God's Will?" If it were about my desires, we'd be talking about a beach in Hawaii, not a disease-ridden, snake-infested, poverty-stricken region. How do you know for sure you are called? Well, it follows Scripture, we have had many confirmations through people and events, and we have a sense of peace. Beyond that, how do really explain God's calling to another person? As far as I am concerned, it's kind of like swimming: you can read books, get advice, watch people swim, wonder about it, try it, but until you actually are able to do it, you don't know.

A second challenge is explaining to people we are not mentally insane, just obsessed with serving the Lord. Yes, we are aware of the recent political instability of the area. Honestly, I don't think it has ever been stable, and it won't be in the near future- so no time like the present, right?! Yes, there is disease, poverty, wild game, pickpockets, crime, pollution, bad traffic...it sounds like some parts of Minneapolis to me.

The most challenging, and humbling, part of raising support isn't sending out hundreds of support letters or taking meeting after meeting with churches. Rather, it is adequately reaching another person's heart with the vision God has set in front of you. We have come up against roadblocks in the past, as with a couple who told Josh that they thought it was time he "did this on his own." Can you imagine if everyone had that attitude? There would be no missionaries, because it is completely unrealistic. Thankfully, many people are willing to support missionaries with either financial assistance or prayer, both vitally important to missions. Josh and I are passionate about the work we will be doing, as well as where and with whom we'll be working. As it wasn't even on our radar 1 year ago, we know it is from the Lord. We will do what it takes to be obedient- sacrifice our own plans, time, comfort...and even ask other people to catch the vision.