We Will Praise You In This Storm, cont'd

Continued from another post- read the first part here.

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I laid down on the bathroom floor, staring toward the ceiling in the dark, numb. I felt as if I should cry... but no tears came.

My mom's text: Their house is gone.
I can't even wrap my mind around it. Memories, safety, security- the flew away with the building.

What if we lose them? Are they safe? Injured? I can't stand the thought. I push it out of my mind.

I pray.

I plead.

I struggle.

I want to praise God in this storm. It is a reminder of His mighty power, His strength, and His complete control. We are so obviously utterly helpless, which oddly feels more comfortable than when we are helpless but refuse to admit it.

But words seem so shallow and meaningless at this point. I often hear people talking about praising God through a storm, but what does that look like? I think that, more than pretty words, He wants our sincere trust and resignation to His will. I don't think anyone is grateful to find out they have cancer, or is thrilled to lose their job or, God forbid, a child. If God knows our hearts- and I believe He does- language that reflects the attitude we want to have about a situation is not what He wants to hear.

As I laid there praying, I remembered that this is part of the Holy Spirit's job, according to one of my favorite passages:

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we
ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that
words can not express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of
the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with
God's will." - Romans 8:26-27

You know what? I love this passage. It gives me so much peace to know that I just can't fail at praying. The Holy Spirit guides us, and stands in the gap for us. The only way to fail is to not pray at all. As for praising God in difficult times, I think He wants our sincere love and trust, our awe of His might, our surrender to His will, more than He wants us to pretend we like everything that's happening. After all, He already knows my heart; I can't pretend with God.

We Will Praise You In This Storm

I am literally in the middle of a storm (on Thursday night). I'm not talking about a metaphorical, blog-type storm, but rather a storm system full of tornadoes. We have been sitting in the basement bathroom of the house we rent, just hanging out. The lights have flickered, but the internet has stayed on the whole time, which is one of those curious modern-day situations I can't quite understand.

This storm has been...well, intense. Usually it seems as if the National Weather Service issues a tornado warning, we all seek shelter, and nothing happens.

But this time is different.

I am not sure of all the facts right now. What I do know is that the radio keeps throwing around phrases like "half-mile wide tornado," and "people trapped in their house," and "warning has been extended."

The house of our dear family friends just flew away- with them underneath it. It's so strange for me to even imagine. All I can think of is the "Wizard of Oz." I was literally at the beach with them this morning. Until I heard that they were safely at my parent's house, all I could wonder was if that was the last time I would see them. There are literally holes in their yard from where trees were just picked up out of the ground. They are rounding up cattle because all of their outbuildings are gone, too.

I think we here death and destruction and disaster sensationalized so much on the news nowadays (I cannot believe I just used that word), that we forget the layers present in ever story, in every number. Each number is a life, full of hopes and dreams and responsibilities and potential. Each life connects to hundreds of other lives. God loves each life each number represents. When tragedy hits home- literally- it challenges you to actually think, to feel, to have compassion for others. In some ways, desensitization may be healthy- imagine if we were overcome with grief every time we heard about something horrible happening. We would hardly be able to function in daily life (as someone who is strongly mercy-oriented, I say this from experience). However, being desensitized to the point of not feeling is pathological.

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The National Weather Service tornado warning for our area finally expired. Now it's time for dinner (at 9pm), so this will have to be continued... : )

Is It Just Me?

For some reason, I am a creature of habit. No, really. Like more than is normal. Sure I love to travel and have periodic reprieves from my patterns, but more often than not trying new things is like running anything more than a mile- every. step. takes my full attention. I blame it on my dad; he is the same way- perfectly content to be home, to be surrounded by what he knows. We like the familiar.

But some habits are best broken sooner rather than later. While preparing for our time in Africa, and while later living there, I had no trouble contributing to this blog regularly. It felt necessary. I could pre-empt other activities with no guilt, no feelings of selfishness; despite the fact I enjoyed putting my thoughts into words, I could convince myself that it wasn't for me- it was for a greater purpose.

Now, writing gets pushed to the end of my to-do list, the same list that is never finished. The tasks remaining at the end of the day are transferred to the next day's list, but there is never enough time to complete them. I can't put my finger on it, but there is just something about that fact that seems wrong to me... I just don't think this was what God intended. Our lives are always... unfinished. We forget we are totally complete in Him before we cross a single item off the list.

I have learned so much in these last few months that I want to share. Even if no one ever reads this blog again, I want them written down, even if only so that I don't forget them. But some of these truths are so mammoth and so life-changing and so challenging that I know my limited skill just can't do them justice. I admit I am intimidated, but I need this. I need to conquer this fear of failure and selfishness and insignificance before they take long-term root. This is me, breaking a habit.

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An Update:

I am a terrible person...well, at least I am a terrible blogger. I have hardly written anything since we got home going on 2 months ago. To be sure, we have been SUPER busy and had a ton to adjust to. I remember hearing someone complain about how stressful a [minor] situation was in her life and thinking, i am moving for the second time this month, helping my husband search for a job, interviewing at my new graduate school, launching a business, and adjusting to culture shock to my own culture- and that's all just this week!!! Part of me wanted to shake her by the shoulders and tell her to get a grip. Thankfully, the more rational side of me won out, and I was reminded that everyone is in a different place, and we are called to meet people where they are at. It has been a common challenge.

I am not done with blogging simply because we are back in the U.S. I have dozens, if not hundreds, more stories and pictures to share with you- of ministry, spiritual epiphanies, travel adventures, struggles, and new endeavors. Our life has continued to be eventful. There are fleeting moments when I wish for less stress, but then I realize I wouldn't be able to handle the boredom that inevitably accompanies a stress-free life. I am grateful for what God has given us.

I have missed writing and sharing with you, if for no other reason than it has given me a concrete way to process my experiences, emotions, and ideas. I have missed putting what's inside of me into words, and freeing myself from the duty of keeping it hidden. I will do more of that, but not for a short while. In the first few weeks, it took all of my energy just to adjust to jet lag, see loved ones, and answer the all-to-common question "How was Africa?" It took and takes all of my willpower not to respond with, "Well, how was your last year in a few appropriately brief phrases?" I know people mean well, but it is not exactly a well-thought-out question. But I digress...after the first few weeks, I continued to feel exhausted and under the weather, which I attributed to allergies. After all, we are around allergens we haven't been exposed to in almost 2 years (having left at the end of winter and all).

But as I found out Sunday, it turns out that I have mono. When I think about it, it makes so much sense. It's just that I didn't think of it. The fact that I have an autoimmune disorder that presents almost exactly like mono doesn't help either, but I am happy to know it is something that will eventually go away, and that I am not just incapacitatingly allergic to my beloved Minnesota. With all this in mind, it may be a week or two before you hear from me again, but hear from me you will. We have a lot of catching up to do.

No Good, Very Bad Day Morning

As we wrapped up our time in Africa, I looked back over some of my old journal entries and found a few that I would like to share. Today's is from later on March 16, 2010:
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Today has been a bit of a challenge. I am badly sunburned and covered with huge mosquito bites (but I can't scratch because of the sunburn). I am sick with a runny nose (a roll of toilet paper that doubles as kleenex is my constant companion), sinus headache, and a cough. My lungs hurt quite badly- I am not sure if it is the cough, altitude, or adjustment to humidity. Maybe it's all three. I can't take my medication that requires electricity, because we don't have any power. I broke my white sunglasses 2 days ago, and my black ones fell off my head today under a waterfall, so no hope of recovery. As I opened our cabin door, something on the other side stung my finger. Then I walked into our slanted door frame while borrowing Josh's sunglasses and they shattered on my head. Who knew they were actually glass? This was all before lunch.

The caretaker suggested maybe I should just sit down and rest... so I did : S

The Truth About Evangelism

As we wrapped up our time in Africa, I looked back over some of my old journal entries and found a few that I would like to share. Today's is from March 16, 2003:
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I was thinking a bit today about evangelism, especially in regard to a couple we have had the privilege of talking with lately, who are both seeking. I know there is so much bad evangelism in the world today, but I wonder what makes up good evangelism. I think the key is not necessarily that you have to know so much about your faith, but rather that you have to believe it. It is only then that you can encourage people to seek truth.

No one is going to be offended by being encouraged to seek truth, because it still respects their right to decide for themselves what they believe truth is. It respects their ability to reason. It prevents you from coming across as if you think you know better than they do. People know, deep down, that they were created for a purpose, even if they aren't sure what that purpose is. This means they know (at least on some level) that they have value, even when they don't always feel like it.

Traditional evangelism, in which we tell others what they need (Jesus), how to get it (prayer, repentance, relationship), and when they need it (now- or maybe yesterday), may certainly work in some situations. But it assumes they want to know our views, and may give the impression that we think we know more than them or are smarter than they are. Far too often, although we have the best of intentions, this pushes people away. It leaves too much opportunity for us to come across as bossy, self-righteous, or condescending. There is too much chance that our human way of doing things (which is often woefully inadequate), will get in the way of the Gospel.

But, if we believe Jesus Christ as truth, we can encourage others to seek truth, all the while knowing that God is faithful to draw truth-seekers to Him.

Sometimes people will ask what you believe, and of course we should use every opportunity to share our Christian faith. But oftentimes I have come into contact with people who aren't really looking for yet another opinion or belief- they want fact. They want truth. They want Jesus, even if they don't know it yet. If they seek truth, they will find Him.