Patient

He calls me, to something I don't want.  Like so many times before.

"This wasn't part of our plan, God," I say.  Our plan?  Where do I get this stuff?

I say I want to obey, that I want His will, and most of the time I do.  Maybe 90%.  The times that I don't, I sometimes try to pretend, to lie to myself and to Him.  That doesn't get me very far.

And I walk in discipline, if not obedience, throwing God's promises in His face.  Taking on a rebellious teenage attitude with half my heart, and striving to glorify Him with the rest.  Reminding Him that I am only doing this because He promised that, as if He doesn't already know.

My flesh and spirit battle.

This is a war I know I can't win on my own, and I cry to Him for help.  And He listens, and lovingly responds.

To me.  The one who may have obeyed Him in action, but defied Him in my heart.

He is forgiving.  Patient.

I wonder in these times what He thinks.  Is He laughing at my foolishness?  Grieving in disappointment?  Fully expecting this is how I would respond?

Maybe all those things.

But He continues to wait on me, and holds hope for my growth and change and sanctification, even when I don't.

He shows me grace today.

And tomorrow, we will do it all over again.