Two Words

I've never done a link-up before, but her question intrigues me:

What is saving your life right now?

And after reading her answer, and finding it's not some rote, Sunday-school response, but real and practical and in-this-moment, I think I just might give it a try.

What's saving my life right now is two words.

Just two.

This from the person who almost always has more than enough words.

Over the last few months, God has been very choosy about what He speaks to me when I listen.  There are rumblings of multiple thoughts and ideas, but only two words are clear and repeated and undeniable.  I think He might be speaking so judiciously out of a plan to get me to focus.

The first is SLOW.

A foreign concept to me.  I am rarely slow, and to slow causes me anxiety.  I have been hearing this one for a while now, but wasn't certain how to obey.  I started doing individual actions slower, and praying and meditating on verses that relate to "slow" and "rest" and "be," but nothing really sunk in until last week.  Josh told me I seemed really scatterbrained, and I agreed that I was.  I was all over the place and had no idea how to fix it.  He asked what I needed; I said I didn't know, but if I had a client like me, I might suggest a break.

Long story shorter, I will be taking an extended break this fall- from shooting, editing, therapy, research, etc. I haven't even really wrapped my head around it or sorted out details, but we both feel peace that this is glorifying to the Lord.  And if I am honest, it's part of what's saving me right now.  I have lots more to say, but that will come another time.

The second is LEAN.


He spoke this to me Friday for the first time, so there has been significantly less fleshing-out of this concept for me.  But the thing that sticks out to me, that I love, is that to lean is an action.  It is not passive, it is something I can do.  I don't know why that makes a difference but it does.  And if it is important enough for God to say it clearly in this time of limited speaking on His part, it's important enough for me to follow.

What is saving your life right now?

Linking to www.sarahbessey.com.

Delete Distraction

I did something today that I am pretty sure I never thought I would do:


I deleted my Pinterest boards.


{FULL DISCLOSURE: I will continue to have a membership for if I need to search something specific, and a board for my clients.}
 

Yeah, I know.


It's something I believe I've felt the Lord leading me to for a few days now, but it {sadly} has taken that time for me to be obedient.


Because I like Pinterest.  Neat little organized virtual bulletin boards, what could be sinful about that?


But for me it was heading in that direction.


I love the concept, and I've been on there for a long, long time now.  The promise of perfection, of a Martha-Stewart-perfect world in which everything looked beautiful all the time.  Of efficiency, originality, creativity.  {Would you believe, though, that it has in many ways stifled my creativity????}  I had hundreds of pins, representing more time searching and browsing than I care to admit.  It began as a useful tool- a place to get ideas for and organize Christmas gifts and recipes.  I was drawn to the control of it all- no mess, no uncertainty, no real life.


But it has become a crutch and a temptation.  I've known since I was very young that whatever I do, I give 100%.  That has been a blessing and a curse.  Pinterest has become like one more to-do list in the back of my head, one of pressures and "shoulds" and I'd-be-a-better-wife-if and comparison and discontent and it brought me back to something I said when talking to a dear friend earlier this month:


"I just don't have time for satan's games."


We are on this earth for just a very short time.  I want to be full of Jesus, overflowing with the Holy Spirit with love to others.  I don't have room or time or resources to spare- we have a purpose and a calling and a reason He has placed us on this earth.  I am so grateful God opened my eyes before this became more of a issue.  Now that I've divorced myself from it, I am able to see more clearly what I distraction it had become.


And that is what scares me- distraction.


I've shared a lot on here about our desire to live simply.  Purposefully.  Free {as much as possible} from distractions.  We have very obviously seen the acquisition of material goods as distracting to us.  It's like every time you buy something new, satan whispers "More, more."  He is the father of lies, and he will do anything he can to get us to believe that Jesus isn't enough.


And that is a big, fat lie.  Jesus is enough.  No amount of perfect recipes or decor or fashion or crafts is going to satisfy.  They are here and gone, and leaving us wanting more.  But He is so faithful, drawing us near, loving, teaching, merciful, and caring.  He loves us as we REALLY are.  I'd rather work on that relationship than on false perfection any day.


I feel a little more free already.







***DISCLAIMER: This is not to be seen as a commentary on Pinterest in general, but on my personal experience.***

Patient

He calls me, to something I don't want.  Like so many times before.

"This wasn't part of our plan, God," I say.  Our plan?  Where do I get this stuff?

I say I want to obey, that I want His will, and most of the time I do.  Maybe 90%.  The times that I don't, I sometimes try to pretend, to lie to myself and to Him.  That doesn't get me very far.

And I walk in discipline, if not obedience, throwing God's promises in His face.  Taking on a rebellious teenage attitude with half my heart, and striving to glorify Him with the rest.  Reminding Him that I am only doing this because He promised that, as if He doesn't already know.

My flesh and spirit battle.

This is a war I know I can't win on my own, and I cry to Him for help.  And He listens, and lovingly responds.

To me.  The one who may have obeyed Him in action, but defied Him in my heart.

He is forgiving.  Patient.

I wonder in these times what He thinks.  Is He laughing at my foolishness?  Grieving in disappointment?  Fully expecting this is how I would respond?

Maybe all those things.

But He continues to wait on me, and holds hope for my growth and change and sanctification, even when I don't.

He shows me grace today.

And tomorrow, we will do it all over again.

4 Years

A few weeks ago, I had to travel to our hometown to do some photo sessions.  Josh wasn't coming until a few days later, so I was making the 3 hour drive by myself.  For the last year, I have mostly driven in with no music.  I used to listen to the radio, but I am  LOVING the silence.  It gives me time to listen and pray and process.  I am coming to cherish those times.

And, during this particular ride, I was processing this last year.

This past year (summer to summer) has been, perhaps, one of the more stressful of our lives. Not bad necessarily, but stressful.  There hasn't been any major crisis or anything, just tons of change and stress- both good and bad.  That is the main reason I haven't posted much on here- we have had little discretionary time, and we want to use it on relationships and such.  Here's a brief summary of the last 12 months:

***

We have moved- yet again- to a brand new town where we didn't know a soul.

Josh has had 4 jobs and 2 layoffs.  Oh, and the financial strain and job searching and uncertainty that all brings.

We have started a business- and labored and worried and prayed over it.  We LOVE it, but it definitely adds stress to our lives.

We have dealt with a significant, new, long-term health challenge.

We have searched for and found a new church.

I started full-time grad school and practicum.

Some of our loved ones have had VERY tough times, and we have hurt with them and prayed for them through grief, pain, and consequence. 

We have deeply missed many of the relationships we made in Namibia.

God speaks to our hearts and whispers parts of His plan, which left us with uncertainty when they didn't match what we originally thought.

We have no idea where our next move will be when I graduate in May.

And all this is just the stuff that I can repeat on the blog.

In summary, we have been in constant transition.  And honestly, transition just isn't my thing, you know?

At times, it has been overwhelming.

***

While thinking through this all in the car, I started thinking about transition and change and "home."  I have written about being homesick before, and I have realistic expectations about that "home" feeling.  We have now been in our townhome for 10 months, the longest we have lived in any place since we got married, and I have just started to refer to it as "home" instead of "the townhome."  I realized while driving that I have a new definition for home:

Earthly home = wherever Josh is.

Maybe this goes without saying for some people, but it hasn't always for me.  I love my husband more than any other person.  However, "home" has always been solidly defined as a specific place to me.  Those places will always mean a lot.  But this was a new realization for me, and served as a reminder that our relationship is always growing.

Seriously, he is amazing- I've said so before here and here.  And probably a ton of other places, but I really don't want to take the time to link to all of them. 

Our love continues to amaze me.  My love for him grows and grows, even when I think I can't love him any more than I already do.  He loves with grace and forgiveness- not holding grudges and accepting me for who I am.  And the best part of it all is that I know it is coming straight from the love and grace of Christ, because we are, on our own, selfish and unloving human beings.

But Jesus continues to show me His love through Josh. 

I stand in awe of what God has done and what He has brought us through in the 4 years that we have been married.  Yes, 4 years!  That's hard to wrap my mind around!  On one hand, I feel like we've been together forever- we started dating 8 years ago, we know each other better than anyone else, we often know what the other person is thinking before they say it.  On the other hand, we are constantly learning about each other, and I still often get butterflies in my stomach when I see him (especially if it's been a few days).

To My Dearest Joshua,

Happy Anniversary!  I wouldn't want to live my life married to anyone but you.  If you're up for it, I say we shoot for 75 years.  We'd be 96 and 97, so it's doable : )  Thank you for being the man God made you to be, and for loving me so well.  You are my perfect opposite, and best friend.  I never could have known when I met you that you would turn my life upside down- into one that is crazy and dangerous and barbaric (in all the best ways).  I praise God that He is bigger than my plans, and that His will was for us to be together.  I am grateful for your devotion to serving Jesus, and for the intentional way you strive to lead our family.  You are the water to my fire, perfect counterbalance.  As long as it's God's will that we both be on this earth, I'll cherish every moment with you.



I love you, I love you, I love you.

Your Princess *



*Yes, he actually calls me that!

Simple Decorating: Free Immortal Flowers

 This is the second post in a series about simple decorating.  I am not a decorator and this is not a decorating blog.  However, we have had to think creatively to decorate our rented townhome for very little money.  I am posting this in case it might inspire someone else who is in the same predicament.

This week's project is immortal flowers. 

Don't get me wrong, I love real flowers- but they are expensive and need natural light and eventually die.  I had TONS of ideas about what could go on or near our bathroom counter that would work well with our new window frame project, but after thinking awhile I realized that, even if they were free, they were not necessarily simple.  With our goal of simplifying our lives and our possessions, I wanted to make sure I wasn't just adding clutter to our home.

I originally found this post  for an adorable cardboard vase that I love.  However, I decided to make the flowers first (which come from this post ), and during that time I decided that I would just rather use a vase I already had than create something new.  [I have this tendency to think that making something free and recycled is always better, and I sometimes forget I already have something that will fulfill the purpose and save me some time.  I am trying to get over that.] 

As you’ll see in the link, Donatella from Inspiration &Realisation used magazine pages to make her flowers.  However, she talked about them being a little small and flimsy, and I definitely didn’t want that.  I looked through the few sheets of scrapbook paper I have left- I sold most of my supplies last year- and found several 8x8 sheets that were suitable and coordinated with the colors of my bathroom.  I cut those into 4 equal-ish squares, and then cut them in spirals.  The tutorial that she links to says to draw a spiral and then cut it, but I found that to be unnecessary.  I liked having flowers with more variation in the depth of their "petals", so I didn’t want a perfect spiral anyway.  I rolled half of the spirals with each paper design with the white side facing in, and half with the white side facing out.  I also used a few sheets of solid-color typing paper to fill in the “bouquet”- I cut those into six squares.

The next step was to go find some twigs.  [See?  Still FREE!]  The twigs we found behind our townhome had really bumpy, almost prickly bark, but we used the outside edge of a scissor to rub the outer bark off.  Then, I had Josh clear coat the twigs with spray paint, since I had an allergic reaction to the bark.  Oops.

We used 7 twigs that were a nice height for our vase.  You could use more if you want, but we're trying to keep this simple, remember?  I divided up the flowers so that I wouldn't end up with all one print on one of the twigs.  Then, I glued them on the twigs at random spacing by putting a generous drop of hot glue on the outside bottom of the spiral, and holding them to the twig until they dried.  This took a little while, but it wasn't too bad.  If you come up with a better way, please share it here!

Finally, you could clear coat the whole project with clear spray paint if you want to, but we chose not to.  The whole project cost $0!  Here are the results:

The bathroom is starting to come together.  More Simple Decorating to come next Friday!

Burden

I always miss Africa and the people there with whom we built relationships.  But some days- or most usually, nights- I miss Africa and her children more acutely.  I am deeply burdened, to the point that I experience it physically.  And I pray for them and think about them and love them, but it still hurts. 

And I want it to.

Not because I'm a masochist or experiencing self-hatred or something, but because I know it's part of God's way of communicating with me.  His children are hurting.  They may be a world away, but they are just as important to Him as any other human being.

He uses this pain to speak to me, to us.  Although we've been back for a while now, Josh and I talk- to God and to each other- about Africa all the time.  And He talks to us.  Not in long, drawn-out epics, but in tiny little snippets that remind us of His plan and His heart, and that remind us of where our plans and hearts need to be.

Following Him, at all cost.

And I beg Him to tell me more RIGHT NOW, because how can He expect me to live with this deep, aching pain in my heart if He won't tell me all the details of what to do about it?

But He has His plan, and His timing, and His way.

 ⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
            declares the LORD.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.
                                             - Isaiah 55:8-9

I thank Him and praise Him for His Word, for sharing these truths with me.  I am so grateful that, even when I don't know, He does.  I don't need to know, because He is all-knowing and loving and trustworthy.  I cling to these verses, as I have since He turned my heart to see Him in the people of Africa. Not only does He care fore me, but He cares for them, too.

Sometimes it hurts more than I think I can bear.  LOVE hurts.  Not in some 80's ballad sort of way, but in a real, sacrificial, Savior-dying-for-my-sins kind of way.  Jesus uses this burden to chip away at the hollow, hardened shell that is my heart, exchanging it for infusions of His.  All I can do is wait and listen and be revived.

That, and find comfort in the fact that God loves these people more than I do.  Even when I love with my whole heart, it pales in comparison.  He is more than enough for them- and me.

Simple Decorating: Bathroom Window Frames

First of all,  let me make it crystal clear that I am not a decorator and this is not a decorating blog.  However, we have had to think creatively to decorate our rented townhome for very little money.  I am just posting this in case it might inspire someone else who is in the same predicament.  There are a lot of ideas in the blogosphere and the rest of the internet that are said to be “budget-friendly,” but I have found that term to be used rather liberally.  Kitchen renovations for under $1000 is not the kind of budget I had in mind.  I’m looking for, say, a $0 or so budget.  Or at least as close to that as is possible.  It’s not that I don’t value my home, but rather that I’d like to spend the little money I have on something with more lasting value than fancy curtains or knick-knacks or rugs.  I just have this conviction that we should be able to have beautiful homes without spending a ton of money.

So, I’ve been scouring the internet- and my brain- to come up with some projects that are free or very close to it.  Of course, this all depends on what you have around the house, but the name of the game here is improvisation.  Overall, I want a simple home, but one that has character and creativity.  Thus, today begins a series of Friday posts all about simple decorating.  The projects must be inexpensive, simple, and renter-friendly.

I am obsessed with old window frames.  Hang around here for awhile, and you’re sure to see some.  As a photographer, I am constantly looking for new ways to display my photos- and for my clients to display their prints.  Last winter, Josh and I visited a local craft/artisan show that took place in this GORGEOUS theater that I’m  shooting a wedding in later this summer.  We met a woman there who makes gorgeous frames out of reclaimed barn wood, and I adored them.  After talking to her for a while, she mentioned that a woman that morning had told her about a bunch of old windows she was giving away. Josh called her, and a few weeks later we were the proud owners of 14 windows.  Unfortunately, they didn’t have the sashing I was hoping for, but I knew there was definite potential.  We now have a huge stack of windows in our garage that need to be put to good use.

We have a very long, narrow second bathroom near the back entry of the townhome.  It’s the least visible room in the house, which is probably why I started decorating there- I am not sure I trust myself! There is a lot of white wall space, but since we rent our townhome, painting is not an option.  We have never had a second bathroom before, so we had nothing to decorate it and we were starting from scratch. 

I knew I didn't want to go out and buy art if I didn't have to, so I decided that a row of three of our window frames would be the perfect way to decorate the longest wall.  At first, I thought about using them to display photos, but I always think pictures in a bathroom is a little creepy.  Instead, I decided some homemade art work was in order.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE all things vintage, so I knew I wanted a bright but slightly vintage color palette.  I went with red, yellow, sky blue, and a color similar to this.  I bought everything but the yellow in spray paint, because it was a lot less expensive and I didn’t need a lot of paint.  I bought the smallest can of paint I could in yellow, because I didn’t like any of the yellow shades they had in spray paint.  Altogether, the paint cost around $14.

Coming up with a design was a little more complicated.  I had just taught two of my best friends how to paint with paper doilies, and I came up with this idea of layering designs with different colors- it’s hard to explain, but it looked great in my mind.  The only problem is that using intricate stencils- like doilies- on glass is way more challenging than I thought.  I found it almost impossible to get a clean edge, and with this much detail going on, that was imperative.  Time for plan B:  I decided to use a pack of foam brushes (like the round ones in this pack.  I have seen entirely round packs at both Walmart and Joann Fabrics, but I couldn’t find a picture online) to make a little landscape. I think these cost about $4.  [Note: if you use these with spray paint, you will NOT be able to get them completely clean.  I ended up having to throw most of mine away.]

*** Super-Important:  This project involves painting the back side of the glass so the window covers the painting when it is hanging on the wall.  Therefore, painting depth will be the opposite of regular painting.  For example, instead of painting flower petals and then adding  stigma (or the center part of the flower), you must instead paint the stigma first and then the petals, so that you can see both through the glass.***

I used the round brushes as petals and stigmas, and just layered different sizes and colors.  There is no “right” way to do this, just whatever looks best to you.

Here are a few shots of how I designed the flowers (I apologize for the extremely warm lighting in my bathroom- I didn't have time to edit):

 When I had completed the flowers, I used a children's art brush that we had lying around to draw stems and create grass.  If you wanted to, you could add so many more details, but I was happy with the way they looked at this point, so I decided to stop.  

[Note: before I forget, if you don't have window frames, you could easily substitute some old picture frames.]

The finishing steps were super easy.  Josh painted the wooden edges of the frames red (with more of the red spray paint), and let them dry completely.  Then, he used medium-grit sand paper that we had on hand to distress the edges.  When you move as much as we do, you grow to love distressed furniture.  If it gets scratched while moving, it just adds to the look!  Then, he gave the wood and the painted side of the frame a clear coat of spray paint to protect it.  This step would not be necessary, but we want to make sure these last for a while.

Our finished product (well, almost- I couldn't get all three frames in one picture) :

Overall, I estimate that buying decorations for this wall would have conservatively cost around $15 per piece, or $45 for the set.  That would be bare minimum.  The project cost us around $18, so I estimate a savings of $27.  That's $27 going to Africa!

More simple decorating to come next Friday.