Wide

Lately, God speaks a little about a lot of things.  For me who craves depth, it leaves me squirmy.  Why does He tell me only bits and pieces, leaving me to wonder and worry about the rest?

It is His way.

I trust Him, and so I trust His way- I guess.  It is uncomfortable, broad instead of deep; wide.

My laser focus for a long time has been work.  This at the expense of relationships... health... balance... recreation... sanity... the more abundant life.

And now it's as if He wants me out of that rut and out of my head, to look wide and up and outside of my drive, and see what He has given.

He gives good gifts, and I am racing right by them.

And I sometimes see and notice, but in a hurried sense- can there be such a thing as hurried gratitude?  That space of "Yes, that's great, but there is more work to be done?"

I did it to be faithful.  An extreme interpretation of this verse, maybe.  I want to honor Him with my life.

Now He's teaching me to wait, commanding me to take a break.  This is a time of cognitive restructuring, and more importantly, a time of heart surgery.  The message I hear lately is

I care more about who you are than what you do.

I hear it, but it's almost as if it doesn't find a home in my consciousness.  So that is what I am working on, accepting this.  Work is not life.  Calling is not even the most important thing.  The tasks God places in front of us are not only by design of what skills and experience we have, but are also (and possibly more) related to how God wants us to grow.

Mind-blowing.

God cares about our hearts that much.

*****

Linking to 5 Minute Friday

Prescription for Approval

I finally said no.
For those of you who don’t struggle with people-pleasing tendencies, this post might be difficult for you to understand.

For the rest of you, you know the gravity of this situation.

Because, for people-pleasers, saying no is a last resort. We will contort our schedule until it works, go without sleep until we’re ill, and nod and smile when someone asks us to be on yet another committee, all while freaking out inside because we can’t take on ONE. MORE. THING.

It sounds so ridiculous on paper (and it is).

But what we have to take into consideration is the payoff: the approval drug. Maybe it’s the firstborn in me, but there are just times when I crave it. Just today, I got a little rush when someone complimented me on my resume (which God has completely orchestrated, so it’s not even mine to take credit for!)

And seriously? This is the improved version of me, because now I do not need the approval of others 100% of the time. I’m down to like 80%, and only from people with whom I have relationships.

Like so many other things in life, it’s a journey. *sigh*

I am an are-we-there-yet? kind of girl. [We will have to attack that in another post.]

But I did it this time. In spite of a lot of anxiety, I said no. Not only that, but it was to a good opportunity- a wonderful, short-term, resume-building, financially-rewarding job. (Which is sounding better and better as I type, and making me second guess myself. But I will not). As good as this opportunity sounds, I need to simplify my life, not add stress to it. Let’s just say that self-care is not my strong point. [I’m not saying that in some sort of look-how-holy-I-am-I-don’t-even-have-time-to-care-for-myself sort of way. Rather, it’s evidence of how I have mismanaged my resources. As different people have been so faithful to point out to me lately (I’m listening, God), if I burnout or get sick from exhaustion or go insane, I won’t be as much help to others as if I make health a priority.]

I love this quote from D.L. Moody:

“Our greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding at something that doesn’t really matter.”

This quote reminds me that, just because I succeed at something and gain approval doesn't mean it is true success.  We don't have time in this life to waste on okay activities that just fill our schedule.  Every time we say yes to one thing we are saying no to another.  So we weigh them, and try to find a balance.

Aren’t those the most difficult decisions? Not between a good and a bad option, but rather two (seemingly) relatively equal options. To get a job or more education. To stay at home with your children or work outside the home. To have a baby or build your finances. To pay off debt or build your retirement fund. To teach Sunday school or be on the city council. To get another job to make more money, or to have a little more flexibility in your schedule.

Good options, all of them. My optimist husband would see these decisions as a blessing of abundant opportunities. I somehow end up cowering in the corner of my inner being, fearing I will make the “wrong” decision.
This time, I realized the particular project I said no to was in that latter category, at least for my life. It was not building toward my life goals and my current understanding of God’s will for my life, not going to be something that I would miss on my deathbed. I’ve only got one short time on earth, and I don’t want to waste a minute of it.

I am learning more and more that that means I will have to say no more often. If I am to be transformed and not conform, I have to go against the grain. I have to make difficult decisions, be willing to say no, sacrifice, and turn my back on what “makes sense” some of the time.

Last year I posted this question on my facebook status, and got quite a response.

One cannot simultaneously be both a people-pleaser and a God-pleaser. Which are you?

My answer right now would have to be a recovering people pleaser, on the difficult-but-rewarding journey toward becoming a God-pleaser. One decision at a time.

We Will Praise You In This Storm, cont'd

Continued from another post- read the first part here.

*****************************

I laid down on the bathroom floor, staring toward the ceiling in the dark, numb. I felt as if I should cry... but no tears came.

My mom's text: Their house is gone.
I can't even wrap my mind around it. Memories, safety, security- the flew away with the building.

What if we lose them? Are they safe? Injured? I can't stand the thought. I push it out of my mind.

I pray.

I plead.

I struggle.

I want to praise God in this storm. It is a reminder of His mighty power, His strength, and His complete control. We are so obviously utterly helpless, which oddly feels more comfortable than when we are helpless but refuse to admit it.

But words seem so shallow and meaningless at this point. I often hear people talking about praising God through a storm, but what does that look like? I think that, more than pretty words, He wants our sincere trust and resignation to His will. I don't think anyone is grateful to find out they have cancer, or is thrilled to lose their job or, God forbid, a child. If God knows our hearts- and I believe He does- language that reflects the attitude we want to have about a situation is not what He wants to hear.

As I laid there praying, I remembered that this is part of the Holy Spirit's job, according to one of my favorite passages:

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we
ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that
words can not express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of
the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with
God's will." - Romans 8:26-27

You know what? I love this passage. It gives me so much peace to know that I just can't fail at praying. The Holy Spirit guides us, and stands in the gap for us. The only way to fail is to not pray at all. As for praising God in difficult times, I think He wants our sincere love and trust, our awe of His might, our surrender to His will, more than He wants us to pretend we like everything that's happening. After all, He already knows my heart; I can't pretend with God.

This Is No Sacrifice

We are home in the States, safe and sound.

Even though I have quotes set to continue to load every day for the near future, I felt a pull to post today. After all, this post needs to come on Easter...

Today, as I was sitting at Josh's parents house, I was thinking about Easter and all that it means. It seems that with all of the traveling and reacquainting and settling in and jet lag (we slept 15 hours on Saturday!!!), I have hardly had time to focus on God this weekend. I know most people use "not enough time" as a lame excuse, but I am completely serious and literal about it right now

Of course, that just isn't good enough. It is in these times that we must push ourselves to make time, and to show God that He is our priority.

Everyone goes on about the sacrifices Josh and I have made this last year- being away from family & friends, living in a brutal climate, acclimating to a new culture, etc. And yes, while the last year has been a blessing and privilege in many ways, it has also been a sacrifice. As a result of our decision to be obedient to God's calling on our lives, our families and friends have also had to sacrifice. It has been a challenge for us all.

But when considering "sacrifice", the term is somewhat relative. Relative to the cushy American lifestyle of TV, internet, personal vehicles, homes with multiple bedrooms, vacations, fast food, etc., our choice might look somewhat significant. But this weekend we celebrate God's sacrifice, when He gave His only Son to die for our sins. On a cross; a criminal's death. He was perfect and had done no wrong, but He suffered the consequences of my sin. He died for the salvation of the whole world, but He would have done it for any one of us.

That's real sacrifice. That is the measure against which I want to model my life. To know that my life is no sacrifice, because it isn't really mine at all.

Our dear friend Britt taught a song (by Jason Upton) that has really resonated with me this past year. The chorus says:

"Your thoughts are higher than mine
and your words are deeper than mine.
Your love is stronger than mine.
This is no sacrifice; here's my life."

People often ask us if we will return to Africa. The reality is that we just aren't sure. At this point, it seems that God may be leading us back there, but all the details are hazy and incomprehensible, so really nothing official to report. What I do know is this: I pray God will give us the courage and strength to obey His call, no matter what it might be- whenever, wherever, however. It is terrifying, especially given the fact that we know God may call us to things that are a little different than for most. But what is my life for, if not to do His will? There is nothing I can do to repay Jesus for His mercy, love, generosity, and selflessness. As I see it, all I have to give Him is everything that I am.

On Blessings

This was part of my devotion the other morning:

"Some of us are troubled, wondering why the Holy Spirit doesn't fill us. The problem is that we have plenty coming in, but we aren't giving it out to others. If you will give the blessing you have received to those around you, then you will quickly find that the Holy Spirit is with you. He will bestow blessings to you for service, giving you all He can trust you to give away to others." -Days of Heaven Upon Earth

Josh's First Blog Entry

Well, it's been almost a year since Nicky started this blog, so it's time for me to contribute. It's only taken me 8 months, so you'll probably hear from me again in January...

“This morning…it dawned that shallow waters were a place where you can neither sink nor swim. In deep waters it is either one or the other…Swimming is the intensest, most strenuous form of motion. All of you is involved in it, and yet every inch of you is in abandonment of rest upon the water that bears you up.”

-Lilias Trotter

From recent quiet time:

It is very dangerous to become spiritually relaxed, because you stop reaching for God, you stop desiring Him. You become more attracted to your ideas and principles learned in the past than to the living God that taught you them.

Following Jesus is like swimming upriver. If you stop swimming, you begin to float downstream. You can never be stationary. If you aren’t actively pursuing Jesus, you are drifting away from Him.

Taking your eyes off Christ is allowing time with anyone to have priority over your time with Him. It is allowing your thoughts to be on anything more than they are on Him. It is sacrificing more for any cause than you sacrifice for Him.

Lord, let my eyes always be on you.

Easter in Africa

Easter morning we went to our church, and had a perfectly nice service. But…it didn’t really seem like Easter. The pastor was gone for a funeral, there were fewer people present than usual, there was no purple cloth, or white lilies, or little girls in white hats. It seemed like any other Sunday. ( Although we missed it, we heard the church was packed with people dressed in their best for the Good Friday service).

To us, Easter is the anniversary of the most important day in the history of the world. At home, we all go to Sonrise service, wear new outfits, and have a big dinner and egg hunt at Grandma’s afterwards.

All these differences mad me wonder about how many of our traditions are spiritually inspired, and how many are more culturally related. What do you think?

We took some pictures when we got home from church. We would love to see pictures of you and your families!



I love him SOOOO MUCH!

Even when he looks like this...

This one is for Belle. She gave us her Tender Heart Care Bear, so we are supposed to take picures with him and send them to her. She has my "My Little Pony" from when I was little, but I haven't seen a picture yet...

Sunday afternoon consisted of hanging out at the house of two of our teammates. Sunday evening, we all went to another friend’s house, and made and ate pizza for Easter dinner. Non-traditional, but delicious. We learned more about each other’s families and backgrounds, ate jellybeans (not a favorite of mine at home, but delicious when they are the only option), told stories, and pondered theological questions like,

“Which is more important: Jesus’ birth, death, or resurrection?”

Well, what do you think? My thoughts to come in a later post…

Irresistible Revolution

Josh and I have had a tremendous talking to and learning from our country director and his wife (this week, we are doing orientation). They are firm in their opinions, and love Jesus with all their hearts. They are not just nominal Christians, but followers of Christ. It has been a privilege listening to what God has shown them.

I have begun reading a book I borrowed from them this week, The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical, by Shane Claiborne. Although I agree with only about 60-70% of what he says, I wholeheartedly recommend it. He has the most important stuff right. Even when you don’t agree with the author, this book will challenge you to examine your beliefs, and how you live them out. It doesn’t hurt that he has an entertaining writing style, and lots of fun anecdotes.

Here’s what the book has reminded me of: I want to be radical. I want to genuinely love the people no one else wants to love, not just in Africa, but at home, too. One person at a time. And I mean REALLY love them, not the I-don’t-hate-you-so-that-means-I-love-you fallacy that has invaded the Church. I want to be a friend to them, to share my life with them and theirs with me. I want to give generously because it is my heart’s desire, and not just an obligation. How many coats do you need anyway? (see Matthew 5:40)

“Love without courage and wisdom is sentimentality, as with the ordinary church
member. Courage without love and wisdom is foolhardiness, as with the ordinary
soldier. Wisdom without love and courage is cowardice, as with the ordinary
intellectual. But the one who has love, courage, and wisdom moves the world.”
-Ammon Hennacy

The term “christian” has lost its flavor (Matthew 5:14-16). I want to be a radical follower of Christ. Semantics? Maybe. But for those who are serious, the world needs to be prepared for a change.

To be continued…

Faith & Reason (written 3/25/09)

“Even if there were no Heaven and no hell, would you still follow Jesus? Would you follow Him for the life, joy, and fulfillment he gives you right now?”

- Tony Campolo

When I read this quote, it caught me off-guard. I mean, we basically use the fact that Jesus can keep you out of hell as a main “selling point” for why people should believe (see Pascal’s Wager). If you had asked me, when I first acknowledged Jesus as my Savior, why I did it, I would have said something like, “Because Jesus died and rose again to save us from our sins.” The theology’s not perfect, but I was only in elementary school.

No wonder the church has such a difficult time getting Christians to live out their faith. We turn choosing to follow Christ into a one-time deal. If I just accept Christ, then I’ll be covered. I can go on living life as usual, AND be saved from hell! I don’t blame people for being confused; the emphasis often seems to be on making that “choice.” How many times have you been in church when the congregation is asked if any of them chose to follow or led someone to Christ recently. We have public alter calls at concerts and conferences and revivals. I even know of several churches and missions organizations who include the number of new “converts” in a yearly report. Is that how we measure success? Now, I know we like to see hard data, even in religion, but I think we’ve gotten a little carried away.

In reality, faith is not a one-time choice, but a choice we must make everyday, sometimes many times per day. It is a lifetime conversion process. The choice is not only about acknowledging Jesus as my Savior, but choosing to follow His will instead of my own, choosing to follow His directions instead of my own ideas, and choosing to turn away from sin. It’s talking to dirty beggars, playing with lice-infested kids, not being bitter to those who have wronged us, sharing what we have, choosing to spend time focused on God rather than watching TV or surfing the internet, smiling at people we pass on the street, touching those infected with HIV/AIDS, who are rarely touched, loving the least…it is not easy to follow Him.

But as they say, “Easy things are rarely worth doing, and things worth doing are rarely easy.”

The catch is that the payoff comes once we have already made the decision to follow, to sacrifice, to obey. That’s when we are shown the “life, joy, and fulfillment” in Christ. After all, “Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we cannot see” -Hebrews 11:1

How would you answer Tony Campolo’s question?

First Day (written 3/23/09)

Today we got the first glimpse of what a normal Namibian day may look like for us: we woke up in our host home, went to the youth center, worked with Brittany and Steven, worked on remodeling the building, said good-bye to Lulu, ate lunch, played with the kids after school, walked home, shower, quiet time, etc.

Although ours is mostly a relational ministry, there is something to be said for manual labor. It gives us an activity to complete, a temporary purpose, which is helpful during this time of transition.

Today I stood in the doorway to the youth center, and just asked God what we are here for. Why has He asked us to make sacrifices to follow His command to come here- comfort, time, energy, vanity, financial security, leisure, control, being with family and friends… How will He use that?

There is so much to be done. We really don’t know anyone here very well yet. We miss our friends and family. There is no place we have found (yet) where we can be completely alone with God, where we can sing or dance or cry free from judgment. We are learning a knew language and culture…it is overwhelming.

All that gets me through right now are God’s promises: that I am His child, that I cannot be separated from His love, that He has a perfect plan for my life, that I can do all things through Christ…

I usually read the same number Proverbs as the day of the month (Proverbs 1 on the 1st, 2 on the 2nd, and so on). For some reason, today I thought I should do the same thing with Psalms. It didn’t hit me until I saw it: Psalm 23.

The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.

Doesn’t that just say it all?

I could have stopped there and gotten the message, but I continued:

He makes me lay down in green pastures,
He leads me beside the still water.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil.
For you are with me,
Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil,
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me
All the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.

I shall not want. I have all I need. Even in emotionally challenging times, He is all I need.

Of course, that doesn’t mean all our wants are met: a dinner at Casa with family and friends would be lovely.

This adventure in Africa is a reminder that our desire for comfort, familiarity, and control must always be superceded by our desire for Christ.

You're Gonna Miss This

This morning, before we signed the final copy of our will, the following song came on the radio, and I couldn’t help but cry. I guess preparing to move away from almost everything I have ever known has made me a little emotional. How does it speak to you?

“You’re Gonna Miss This”
Trace Adkins

She was staring out that window, of that SUV
Complaining, saying "I can't wait to turn 18
She said I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules"
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said "I was just like you"


-Chorus-
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a godd look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this


Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her “It's a nice place”
She says “It'll do for now”
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says “Baby, just slow down”

-Chorus-

Five years later there's a plumber workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin', one kid's screamin'
She keeps apologizin'
He says "They don't bother me.
I've got 2 babies of my own.
One's 36, one's 23."
Huh, it's hard to believe, but ...


-Chorus-
Sometimes I feel like all I hear is people rushing to the next thing. They can't wait until the weekend, a vacation, until they find the right person to marry, until they have kids, until they graduate or retire or have more money or lose 10 lbs or the kids aren't in diapers or they buy a bigger house...until they go to Africa...
We are letting life pass us by. Well, at least I have been.

Not to be morbid, but what if we die today? In some cultures, that concern is a reality. Maybe our relative safety has spoiled us to the point we are ungrateful and always wanting more. What if Jesus comes back in 10 minutes? Will he be pleased with the priorities I have, reflected in how I spend my time?

Preparing to move to a place even moderately more risky than home has made me think: if I died today, could I really say I have made the best use of my time? No. I am not afraid of the process of death or my destination, but rather that there is so much work yet to do for the Kingdom.

To be perfectly honest, I am currently in the process of learning to accept God's timing, not just in death, but in life. I am not there yet, in case that wasn't obvious.

Preparing to leave for a year is unlike anything I've ever done. I have never gone more than 3 months without seeing my family. We will be without access (or have limited access) to most of the things we take for granted: Milk in every corner gas station, TV, pure water, cars, Wal- mart, our favorite foods, family, friends, our church families, our pets, malls, telephone calls, banks, our wedding rings...I could go on and on.
I am intimidated. But more than that, I am so excited.

I am excited to watch God work. I am excited to run to Him, to learn from Him, to grow closer to Him. Of course, I know the requirements of spiritual growth, and they don't always excite me, but it comes with the territory.

I am so excited, if fact, that I have been all too eager to leave behind the present. I have not valued the present as I should have.

In the study of Positive Psychology (currently an emerging subfield in Psychology), "savoring" is how we describe one's experience of enjoying or delighting in something. There are typically considered to be 3 types of personalities when it comes to savoring, all temporally related: those who savor the past, those who savor the present, and those who savor the future. Of course, all of us enjoy things in all three of these ways, but most people hava a definite propensity toward one category. Take, for example, a vacation. If you find the most enjoyment while thinking about it, planning for it, and imagining what it might be like, you tend to savor the future. If you enjoy the vacation itself most, with little thought to the present or the past, you savor the present. If you love to reminisce about the vacation once it is done, by talking about it or looking at photos or souvniers, you savor the past.

I am definitely in the first category. Not surprising, especially given my tendency toward worry (ugh- working on that, too). In fact, I used to look to the future so much that I would spend an entire vacation taking pictures and journaling, only to not savor the actual experience. Sick, I know.

This song reminded me of my tendency to disreguard the present. For some reason, I always seem to think there is something more important to be preparing for, and I don't want to disappoint anyone. Something more important...but in whose eyes? It has been Josh's and my prayer that we would be able to minister to our family and friends even as we prepare to leave for Africa there. Obviously, we believe God has called us to something important there, something important to Him. But, if those around us can't see the work of Christ in our lives, haven't we missed an opportunity just as significant? How many times have I been "too busy"? What is so important?! Even now, as we are trying to squeeze in all the packing and visiting and arrangements, NONE of that is more important than an opportunity to serve the Lord.

Even knowing this, I fail. I mean, like, everyday.

I've pondered this phenomenon a great deal, but even what I have discerned as possible causation hasn't change my behavior to speak of. It is motivated by fear- that I won't get it all done (because apparently my to-do list has become my priority in life), that I will be unprepared and disappoint someone, that I will choose the wrong way to spend my time. It happens when I allow my view of life to become so narrow that I make decisions based on what I see right in front of me, rather than how God might see it.

It happens when I don't trust in God's promises- that He loves me, cares for me, wants the best for my life, and is in control.

Yeah, this is a lot to have come from a country song.

Refocusing

This picture seems to pretty much sum up part of our lives right now. We have been presented with several opportunities (a blessing), but really that means we aren't positive which ones God wants us to be involved in. For example, right now we are considering two assignments simultaneously. How do we know which to choose? We are [im]patiently waiting on the Lord to make that abundantly clear to us.

At this point, the best choice seems to be continuing to move forward, but with cautiously and prayerfully. We know part of God's plan (missions together in Africa for at least 1 year), but the rest is all a little sketchy. Therefore, we have decided to step back from it all (for at least this week), and refocus. Instead of seeking after the answers, as we've been doing, we need to seek after the Lord with our whole hearts. After all, it's because of Him we are doing this in the first place.

Lately, my quiet times have been...lackluster. Usually I am excited to dig into Scripture, pray, and listen to what God has to say, but recently it has become a spiritual discipline in a new sense of the term. This week, I am committed to challenging myself to meet God in new ways. This morning as I was driving, I was awestruck by the beauty and complexity of the natural beauty I witness every day. The amazing part is that He probably made it in less time than it takes for me to remember my own name. I was inspired to spend a little time with God, photographing His creation. [None of these photos have been edited].

After all of the dreary weather in the past week, today's bright blue skies were a welcome respite. I drove (it was cold!) around the "neighborhood" (a 3-mile block), and actually took many shots from our car.
This photo is a great reminder to me to consider perspective. As a detail-oriented person, I sometimes focus too much on the little things, which breeds anxiety.

Sometimes, you just have to back up and look at the big picture- same angle, completely different view depending on where the focus is.
That's what it's all about. It's not about the 5- or 10- year plan, or money, or even family. From the Christian perspective, although it often seems to be about ministries or missions or programs or churches, it's not. Those are only tools. The purpose is to glorify God, and to show others how to know Him [better].

I literally drive past these views almost every day, but I never notice them- pathetic. I am usually too "busy" with my to-do list or worrying about something that is probably pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of life.

This is my favorite sight in the world. Even after visiting the Eiffel Tower, the Rocky Mountains, and the Great Wall of China, nothing compares to coming home. This week, it's about adjusting our focus in the spiritual equivalent.