Unexpected Roots

I come from a family where roots run down deep, generations back all from the same place.  I grew up 5 miles from both grandmas, and spent almost every single weekend at a family birthday party or confirmation or baptism.

I was raised on extended family life.

I watched my parents in their ministry of the here and now, always beautifying and growing their little corner of the world.  It was small and familiar and stable, and it is what allowed them to bring children with incredibly difficult, unstable lives into our family.  As my mom said late one night, as she holds my nephew asleep in the dark while we talk on the living room couches, "It was those roots that gave us that freedom."

It was what I always assumed my life would be- stable.  Move away to college, then come back.  Get married, have babies, and raise them in the same town, church, school, house I brought them home to.

But.

That hasn't been God's plan for my life so far, and it seems it will not be, at least for a long while more. Twenty-one moves in nine years remind me that life has not gone as I planned, and I am not in control.

I trust God's plan, even if I don't understand it.

God has been teaching me for the last few years about roots, and what they mean to Him.  They are not attached to time or place or anything else of this world; those are foundations of sand.  He is teaching me that He is the only safe place to attach and dwell and draw Living Water.  Geographical stability is not lasting; I am learning to drink life from the Eternal.

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Linking to 5 Minute Friday at Gypsy Mama.

Burden

I always miss Africa and the people there with whom we built relationships.  But some days- or most usually, nights- I miss Africa and her children more acutely.  I am deeply burdened, to the point that I experience it physically.  And I pray for them and think about them and love them, but it still hurts. 

And I want it to.

Not because I'm a masochist or experiencing self-hatred or something, but because I know it's part of God's way of communicating with me.  His children are hurting.  They may be a world away, but they are just as important to Him as any other human being.

He uses this pain to speak to me, to us.  Although we've been back for a while now, Josh and I talk- to God and to each other- about Africa all the time.  And He talks to us.  Not in long, drawn-out epics, but in tiny little snippets that remind us of His plan and His heart, and that remind us of where our plans and hearts need to be.

Following Him, at all cost.

And I beg Him to tell me more RIGHT NOW, because how can He expect me to live with this deep, aching pain in my heart if He won't tell me all the details of what to do about it?

But He has His plan, and His timing, and His way.

 ⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
            declares the LORD.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.
                                             - Isaiah 55:8-9

I thank Him and praise Him for His Word, for sharing these truths with me.  I am so grateful that, even when I don't know, He does.  I don't need to know, because He is all-knowing and loving and trustworthy.  I cling to these verses, as I have since He turned my heart to see Him in the people of Africa. Not only does He care fore me, but He cares for them, too.

Sometimes it hurts more than I think I can bear.  LOVE hurts.  Not in some 80's ballad sort of way, but in a real, sacrificial, Savior-dying-for-my-sins kind of way.  Jesus uses this burden to chip away at the hollow, hardened shell that is my heart, exchanging it for infusions of His.  All I can do is wait and listen and be revived.

That, and find comfort in the fact that God loves these people more than I do.  Even when I love with my whole heart, it pales in comparison.  He is more than enough for them- and me.

New Look, New Life

Well, in case you didn't notice, CTLA got a makeover!  Woohoo!!!!!!!

Because seriously, it was about time.

After more than two years and 200 posts- which just blows my mind since I still feel like a baby blogger- I was tired of looking at that dreary black background.  At least now I know I am not inspired by dark and boring.

I thought for a while about whether I would keep this blog.  After all, we aren't in Africa anymore- at least for now, anyway (more on that to come).  And I do have another blog to keep up, which occupies much of my time already. 

After thought and prayer, however, I realized I didn't want to sacrifice the outlet and relationships that this blog has sparked.  It is more than it seems on the surface, which is what so many bloggers already know.

It's connection.

It's community.

It's memories.

It's having a voice.

But I needed some new inspiration.  I decided a new look would be the way to go.  Since I had just gotten my photography blog redesigned, I already knew a great designer.  Tara of Our Princess in Pigtails Designs is wonderful to work with and beyond talented.  If you are even considering thinking about maybe wanting to look at trying having your blog professionally designed, check her out.  And, she is way affordable, which was huge to me.  If I had found her sooner, I would have gotten this done ages ago.

As I’ve been looking at other blogs, trying to figure out what mine needs for the redesign (since I only get one shot at this or I have to pay more money : P ), I realized I have no “about me” section. It’s pretty much intentional, but possibly unacceptable. I am reminded of the fact that I want to read an “about me” section when I visit a blog. I mean, honestly, I don’t want to start reading posts every day, and develop a tight internet-bound relationship that I come to rely on, only to find out the author is some sort of animal sacrificer or dictator or supports dealing illicit drugs to pre-schoolers.

[Don't judge my dramatic and fanciful thinking.  It could happen.]

I guess it’s a quality-control sort of thing.

The other day I was trying to post an ad on craigslist. Now, I had already posted this ad and it had run for a full 40 days or whatever the allotted time is before your post expires. So, I post the very same ad, and it got “flagged and removed.” Three times. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is? I did the same thing last time, SO WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME DIFFERENT RESULTS?????

??

Grrrr… I was feeling rather riled up about the whole thing, in case you didn’t catch that.

Anyway, I posted a question to a craigslist forum. Because you can’t just pick up the phone and call them or anything. No, when you have already failed miserably at posting on their technological venue, they want to make you do it again, just to really emphasize that you don’t know what you are doing.

But some kind soul (*bless their heart*) took pity on me and told me how it was. Apparently your post isn’t deleted by some sort of algorithm or anything. Instead, viewers flag it either for not following the rules or because they think it looks sketchy or like a scam or even because they just don’t like you. So really, it can be a bit of a challenge to figure out why you got kicked off.

But the kind soul’s suggestion for improvement threw me- it wasn’t that I didn’t include the appropriate language or links or format, but rather that I didn’t include any information about myself, anything that would make it clear I was a real, live, local person and not just a robot somewhere.

Which makes sense, you know? Why would you read my blog if you don’t know who I am ?
So I will give it a try, open up, and be vulnerable- even if it doesn't come easy.

So, if you're interested you can check out the "About" section for a look into my mixed-up, wonderful, messy, complicated, grace-filled, Jesus-dependent life.

Thanks for stopping by : )

Short-Term Missions Trips

I just wanted to share a quick link with you- seriously, it will take like 5 minutes to read it. To be honest, I am afraid to even broach the subject, like I am afraid to discuss many. Our time in Namibia turned many of our preconceptions on our head. About giving. About serving. About Love. About evangelism. Most importantly, about God.

Up until this point, our lives since we got home have been about surviving, enduring transition, and clinging to Jesus as we re-integrate to this now-somewhat-foreign culture that used to feel like home. It doesn't anymore. Nowhere does completely (for more, check out this past post). And we are okay with that. It has been a really intense time, in so many ways, and we've sometimes struggled with being real and honest, when everyone wants a happy face and a positive report.

The most often-asked question we receive is [often with a wistful sigh] "Wasn't it amazing?" followed by close second in "I can't imagine the fun you had!"

I nod politely and mumble something about us being at peace that was where God wanted us at the time, but inside I am screaming:

"NO! Are you crazy? It was not fun! How can you think I could enjoy seeing people suffer from disease, death, poverty, hunger, abuse, spiritual lies, and things I could never even write here because most hearts can't handle it?????"

Yes, it was amazing- but not in the way they think. I think the best word to describe it is "satisfying."

My heart is forever broken by the things we experienced. Not that it's not joyful about so many triumphs, but my blissful ignorance was shattered. I have seen a greater hurt, one that only Jesus can heal- but don't read that too quickly. The important part is that Jesus CAN heal.

There is so much I want to say, and so much I need to process. Things that aren't necessarily fun or pretty or peaceful. Please take it all with a grain of salt.

He didn't teach us those hard lessons only for us to keep it to ourselves. If there is one thing we have discovered about our first time out, it's that he was laying foundation.

And that is truly the hardest, and most important part of building anything. I feel it. The weight and responsibility of it. The necessity of not forgetting. Needing to not waste even one moment. Just when I think I can't handle one more tiny bit of stress or change, it has come.
But He has been faithful, so faithful. More than I can ever articulate.

I know He has a brilliant and beautiful plan, one I can't fully see, yet. He is worthy of my trust.

I guess this post didn't exactly go as planned, but that's okay. It's pretty much analogous to life, huh? There will be more on short-term mission trips, and so much else. Please allow me to share with you on this journey.

A Promise Worth Trusting

I feel right now like there are so many things that I would/could/should/want to/need to write about, but I'm just not sure where to start. I just finished my first graduate school semester two days ago, so that has taken up most of my life lately. And what a semester it has been. School itself has been GREAT, but...well, let's just say that more than once I've had the following conversation:

classmate: "I'm so stressed out! School is making me crazy!"

me: "I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time. Is there anything I can do to help?"

classmate: "Not really, but thanks for asking. Aren't you stressed out too?"

me: "Yes, but not about this. Grad school is the least of my worries!"

There have been multiple times I have coped with some really stressful situations just by throwing myself into my work. I'm not sure that's healthy to do all the time, but in this case it was just what I needed.

We have dealt with a lot since we got home from Africa, and it looks like we will continue to, at least for the near future. We have chosen to commit to living the life God sets before us, and to not choosing something else out of fear of stress or the unknown. Therefore, we are often stressed and don't know.

Terrific.

Those who know me or read this blog know I am a bit of a control freak extremely well-organized (well, except during grad school finals) and I need to know what is going on.

Okay...I want to know. Working on that whole needs vs wants language. But sometimes it feels like a need.

I've gotten to the point that I can accept God has it under control and I don't always need to know- for a little while. But as soon as another layer of stress is piled on top of whatever avalanche we are already under, it seems like I'm back at the starting gate of fear and wanting control (and sometimes just trying to take it) and worry and despair. The consistency is not there yet. Sometimes it even feels like this act I can't get the hang of.

[BTW, I know I just ended a sentence with a preposition, but the alternative was to say "of which I can't get the hang." So you see my dilemma- please have mercy.]

Do you ever feel like you NEED to know what God is up to? What do you do when He doesn't share that with you?

My solution is usually to rely on Scripture:

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purposes for them." -Romans 8:28

Such a simple and familiar verse that it is easy to forget this is God's Word. It is His promise to us. Even when I'm scared and I wonder what He's doing, that's a promise worth trusting.

The Next Step

Last week, I started graduate school. I am not even sure what to think as I move into this next phase of life and my academic career. To begin with, we’re still adjusting to life back in the United States. I know some of you are probably like, “geez, it’s been 5 months already (I can’t believe it’s already been that long!), but it’s a blink of an eye considering the adjustment we are trying to make. We lived in what seemed like an entirely different world. We had our hearts broken in ways most can only imagine, if even that. It’s a struggle to adjust, and something that will take time.

Additionally, it’s sometimes difficult to give this season of our lives full attention and presence. In some ways, even this next phase seems like a transition period. People are constantly asking us when we are going “back,” as if our return is a given, even thought that was never part of the plan (although it could be now). Even once we decided to go on the mission field, we thought it would only be for 6 months or so. On the one hand, it is comforting, as people obviously see something in us that would encourage them to think we would be a good fit for serving God in this capacity. It’s humbling and reassuring and a quiet confirmation of where we think God may be leaving us. At the same time, it can be frustrating to deal with people’s somewhat demanding expectations, and makes it difficult to be present and focused on where God has put us right now. I don’t believe God wastes time. He is always teaching us and using us. It is just a new challenge for me to be focusing on here and now, even while knowing what is [possibly] next (you never really know- He may just not have revealed His whole plan about that yet!).

I never expected to attend graduate school. I always wanted to go to medical school, and there are times even now when I question my decision to take another path. Since then, I have decided to go to graduate school, applied to one type of program, decided to go to Africa instead, worked in the field, decide on a different type of program, applied, was offered a great deal of money and prestige in a terrific program, and instead turned them down and decided to accept a different program’s offer, which to the average person would seem significantly less enticing.

Rereading that last sentence, it basically sound like I just can’t make up my mind! As someone who loves order and routine and repetition (not that you’d know it from my life as of late), this constant change in direction has been a bit of a challenge. However, I don’t think it means I am crazy or indecisive or unfocused; rather, I think of it as an example of God’s wisdom. I believe He knew (and knows) precisely where He wants me to be, but He also knew I couldn’t take the change in direction all in one step. I am certain there will be many more similar instances of change and growth in my life, but I find it so comforting to be the child of a gracious God who knows my limits. So many times lately, they have been and are being pushed to their borders. I am so glad to now He is loving an merciful enough to accommodate my weakness with His love and grace, even while helping me to overcome them.

We Will Praise You In This Storm, cont'd

Continued from another post- read the first part here.

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I laid down on the bathroom floor, staring toward the ceiling in the dark, numb. I felt as if I should cry... but no tears came.

My mom's text: Their house is gone.
I can't even wrap my mind around it. Memories, safety, security- the flew away with the building.

What if we lose them? Are they safe? Injured? I can't stand the thought. I push it out of my mind.

I pray.

I plead.

I struggle.

I want to praise God in this storm. It is a reminder of His mighty power, His strength, and His complete control. We are so obviously utterly helpless, which oddly feels more comfortable than when we are helpless but refuse to admit it.

But words seem so shallow and meaningless at this point. I often hear people talking about praising God through a storm, but what does that look like? I think that, more than pretty words, He wants our sincere trust and resignation to His will. I don't think anyone is grateful to find out they have cancer, or is thrilled to lose their job or, God forbid, a child. If God knows our hearts- and I believe He does- language that reflects the attitude we want to have about a situation is not what He wants to hear.

As I laid there praying, I remembered that this is part of the Holy Spirit's job, according to one of my favorite passages:

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we
ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that
words can not express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of
the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with
God's will." - Romans 8:26-27

You know what? I love this passage. It gives me so much peace to know that I just can't fail at praying. The Holy Spirit guides us, and stands in the gap for us. The only way to fail is to not pray at all. As for praising God in difficult times, I think He wants our sincere love and trust, our awe of His might, our surrender to His will, more than He wants us to pretend we like everything that's happening. After all, He already knows my heart; I can't pretend with God.

We Will Praise You In This Storm

I am literally in the middle of a storm (on Thursday night). I'm not talking about a metaphorical, blog-type storm, but rather a storm system full of tornadoes. We have been sitting in the basement bathroom of the house we rent, just hanging out. The lights have flickered, but the internet has stayed on the whole time, which is one of those curious modern-day situations I can't quite understand.

This storm has been...well, intense. Usually it seems as if the National Weather Service issues a tornado warning, we all seek shelter, and nothing happens.

But this time is different.

I am not sure of all the facts right now. What I do know is that the radio keeps throwing around phrases like "half-mile wide tornado," and "people trapped in their house," and "warning has been extended."

The house of our dear family friends just flew away- with them underneath it. It's so strange for me to even imagine. All I can think of is the "Wizard of Oz." I was literally at the beach with them this morning. Until I heard that they were safely at my parent's house, all I could wonder was if that was the last time I would see them. There are literally holes in their yard from where trees were just picked up out of the ground. They are rounding up cattle because all of their outbuildings are gone, too.

I think we here death and destruction and disaster sensationalized so much on the news nowadays (I cannot believe I just used that word), that we forget the layers present in ever story, in every number. Each number is a life, full of hopes and dreams and responsibilities and potential. Each life connects to hundreds of other lives. God loves each life each number represents. When tragedy hits home- literally- it challenges you to actually think, to feel, to have compassion for others. In some ways, desensitization may be healthy- imagine if we were overcome with grief every time we heard about something horrible happening. We would hardly be able to function in daily life (as someone who is strongly mercy-oriented, I say this from experience). However, being desensitized to the point of not feeling is pathological.

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The National Weather Service tornado warning for our area finally expired. Now it's time for dinner (at 9pm), so this will have to be continued... : )

This Is No Sacrifice

We are home in the States, safe and sound.

Even though I have quotes set to continue to load every day for the near future, I felt a pull to post today. After all, this post needs to come on Easter...

Today, as I was sitting at Josh's parents house, I was thinking about Easter and all that it means. It seems that with all of the traveling and reacquainting and settling in and jet lag (we slept 15 hours on Saturday!!!), I have hardly had time to focus on God this weekend. I know most people use "not enough time" as a lame excuse, but I am completely serious and literal about it right now

Of course, that just isn't good enough. It is in these times that we must push ourselves to make time, and to show God that He is our priority.

Everyone goes on about the sacrifices Josh and I have made this last year- being away from family & friends, living in a brutal climate, acclimating to a new culture, etc. And yes, while the last year has been a blessing and privilege in many ways, it has also been a sacrifice. As a result of our decision to be obedient to God's calling on our lives, our families and friends have also had to sacrifice. It has been a challenge for us all.

But when considering "sacrifice", the term is somewhat relative. Relative to the cushy American lifestyle of TV, internet, personal vehicles, homes with multiple bedrooms, vacations, fast food, etc., our choice might look somewhat significant. But this weekend we celebrate God's sacrifice, when He gave His only Son to die for our sins. On a cross; a criminal's death. He was perfect and had done no wrong, but He suffered the consequences of my sin. He died for the salvation of the whole world, but He would have done it for any one of us.

That's real sacrifice. That is the measure against which I want to model my life. To know that my life is no sacrifice, because it isn't really mine at all.

Our dear friend Britt taught a song (by Jason Upton) that has really resonated with me this past year. The chorus says:

"Your thoughts are higher than mine
and your words are deeper than mine.
Your love is stronger than mine.
This is no sacrifice; here's my life."

People often ask us if we will return to Africa. The reality is that we just aren't sure. At this point, it seems that God may be leading us back there, but all the details are hazy and incomprehensible, so really nothing official to report. What I do know is this: I pray God will give us the courage and strength to obey His call, no matter what it might be- whenever, wherever, however. It is terrifying, especially given the fact that we know God may call us to things that are a little different than for most. But what is my life for, if not to do His will? There is nothing I can do to repay Jesus for His mercy, love, generosity, and selflessness. As I see it, all I have to give Him is everything that I am.

Lives that Fill a Book

We are a little isolated here in Rehoboth, somewhat intentionally. Internet is expensive (unless you are willing to succumb to insanity- which I sometimes do), and we don’t have a TV. So, aside from the occasional newspaper, we don’t have many sources for news of the world.

When you are away from everything you know, it is so easy to become distracted, to focus on “there” instead of concentrating on what needs to be done “here.” We know God brought us here for a reason, and that we need to be fully present wherever it is that He puts us, and in whatever task He sets before us. For me, at least, avoiding distractions is key.

So imagine my SHOCK when I read a friend’s blog post that mentioned the earthquake in Haiti. I did a little research, and one of the first things that came up on my search was that as many as 100,000 people are presumed dead- can you imagine such a number?

Lately, God has been really convicting me about the importance of people and relationships, about the power of one. As a task-oriented person by nature, I often need this little reminder. While I have been mulling over how we will explain our time and work in Africa to our supporters and loved ones when we return, He has shown me more of Himself, of His ways. I am very detail oriented, and I love to keep track of facts and numbers and statistics, and no doubt these will play a role in our presentations and conversations. But God has shown me that, to Him, it’s not about the numbers, but about the lasting impact. If 37 people make a “decision for Jesus,” but are then never discipled and taught how to have a relationship with Him, where is the eternal value? If 432 kids come to a camp, but no one takes the time to pour into the lives of individuals, how does that bring them closer to Jesus? However, if even one life is truly changed, heaven celebrates. God loves each person THAT much. To know His opinion on the power of one individual, we only have to look at the life of His Son. Because all of this, the faith that is true and the ability to have a relationship with the Creator of the universe? It started with a baby boy.

I say all this to emphasize one point- it is not a mass of 100,000 people that may have died in Haiti. It is 100,000 individuals, real people with kids and struggles and anxieties and dreams. Give or take (depending on font, spacing, etc.) there are between 2,622 and 3,818 characters in one typed page (according to Wiki Answers). Even if we went with the high end of that estimation, it would take more than 26 pages to type just one character per person estimated dead as a result of the earthquake in Haiti. But honestly, shouldn’t each person get at least one word? There are around 500 words per page (single-spaced), so it would take 200 pages to right just one word for each person- that’s a book! I tell you these facts because I need quantification, to have a representation in terms I can just begin to understand. The magnitude is staggering. Every one of those words represents an entire biography.

While living in Africa, I have witnessed oppressive poverty and suffering. One of my most fervent prayers has been that God would not allow my heart to grow calloused to the pain around me. It is so easy to adapt, to think of it as normal. God has blessed me with the ability to hurt for others here, to feel compassion, to have the motivation to act and to love. At times my heart just feels raw from emotion, almost painful…but that’s what it takes to really care…The reality is that we need to care for the poor in all times, not just when there is a crisis that makes the 6:00 news. How many times have I turned a blind eye to the suffering of others???

And then to see yet more pain- I couldn’t help but just cry, and cry out to God- Why? I will never understand tragedy like this; I will never understand how it glorifies Him. I imagine many people are asking the same question, and wondering how a loving God can allow this kind of suffering. I don’t know. But, I am reminded that His thoughts are higher than mine, from a verse that I have very much come to rely on this year:

“ “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher that your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” ”- Isaiah 55:8-9

It is such a comfort to me to know that I don’t have to understand it, that I don’t have to be able to explain it all. To believe Him, to trust Him- it’s enough.

What's Your Score?

Recently, I wrote a curriculum to use with foster parents. The subject was stress, and I included a little test that I had taken in college. It’s certainly not comprehensive, but it gives you an idea of where you are at. Try it yourself; for each life change that has happened in your life in the past year, circle the number to the left. If you aren’t sure if it applies, use your best judgment. When finished, go back and add up the numbers.

100 Death of spouse
73 Divorce
65 Marital separation
63 Jail
63 Death of a close family member
53 Major injury or illness
50 Marriage
47 Fired from work
45 Marital reconciliation
45 Retirement
44 Major change in health or behavior of a family member
40 Pregnancy
39 Sexual difficulties
39 New family member (birth, adoption, someone moving in)
39 Major business readjustment (reorganization, bancruptcy, etc)
38 Major change in financial status
37 Death of a close friend or more distant family member
36 Change to a different line of work
35 Major change in number of arguments with spouse
31 Taking out a mortgage or loan for a major purpose
30 Forclosure of mortgage or loan
29 Major change in responsibilities at work (promotion, demotion, transfer)
29 Son or daughter leaving home (marriage, attending college)
29 Trouble with in-laws
28 Outstanding personal achievement
26 Spouse starting or ending work
26 Starting or ending schooling (long-term)
25 Major change in living conditions (moving, remodeling, building new home)
24 Change in personal habits (dressing, manners)
23 Trouble with your boss
20 Major change in working hours or conditions
20 Change of residence (new town, new state)
20 Change in schools
19 Major change in usual type or amount of recreation
19 Major change in church activities (a lot more or less than usual)
18 Major change in social activities (a lot more or less than usual)
17 Taking out a loan for a smaller purchase (such as car, TV, freezer)
16 Major change in sleeping habits (a lot more or less than usual, change in
part of day when you sleep)
15 Major change in family get-togethers (a lot more or less than usual)
15 Major change in eating habits (a lot more or less than usual, different meal
hours or surroundings)
13 Vacation
12 Christmas/holiday season
11 Minor violations of the law (traffic tickets)

Do you have your score?

Below 150-Low stress: Only 30% of people with scores below 150 will probably encounter a significant health problem soon.
151-299 Moderate stress: 50% of people with scores between 150-300 will probably encounter a significant health problem soon.
Above 300 High stress: 80% of people with scores above 300 will probably encounter a significant health problem soon.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that if you have high stress you will get sick. To me, it is just a heads up that you have to be careful, and remember to do lots of things that relieve stress.

I scored 591. So, that’s relatively high. Quite frankly, that only includes one of our 4 moves this year, but that is not the point. [I don't say this to be one of those people who always takes pride about how busy they are. Do you notice how that has become part of American culture? It's like if you aren't overcommitted, you aren't doing anything. Ugh.] What I take away from this is not that I am on my deathbed or something, quite the contrary. I know that God is protecting us. I know that He is faithful, and that gives me so much peace.

At times, I have felt like a hypocrite when teaching about stress. I have a lot of answers and suggestions, but I fail to use them myself. I am working on it. There is a good chance that I will have a moderate to high amount of stress for most of my life, so I am learning to manage it.

The other helpful thing? It’s nice to know you’re not crazy. From now on, when I feel the stress is overwhelming me, I think I might just say “591” over and over. It’s like permission to feel overwhelmed, to just accept it. Stress is a part of life, and that’s okay.

My Constant Companion

I am a worrier. There, I’ve said it.

After Kelly’s post a while ago, I wrote the following in my journal:

[On anxiety]
God has given me the opportunity for great growth in this area as of late: moving 4 times in 6 months, the uncertainty of not having visas, being cut off from the life we are used to and the comforts of home. And yet, I still struggle- I want to trust and have peace.

When I think of the time and energy I have sacrificed in worry, it’s…embarrassing. I believe in the One Who Controls All,, who created the entire universe with the flick of His little finger, and I have wasted so much of my life caught up in the “what-ifs.” Years of my life.

The craziest realization? Anxiety and chasing down all the possible outcomes of a situation is usually so much more draining than what actually happens (usually). I see that it is foolish, and I should just stop worrying.

Problem solved!

Or not, because letting go is so much easier said than done. True anxiety becomes a lifestyle, one that is always tinged with skepticism, doubt, fear, and the need for control. Anxiety is the noose with which satan has tried to strangle my spirit.

Until this point, I have accepted it as a part of who I am, but that’s a lie. Anxiety is a condition forced upon us by the enemy, and one we don’t have to accept. Kelly’s post reminded me of that. We are not captive to our circumstances or inclinations; we have freedom in Christ. He has already won the struggle for us.

The Angry American and Hello Kitty

This has been, by far, the strangest week we have had in Africa so far (and that is saying a lot).

Our 4th of July was completely different than usual this year (not terribly shocking, huh?). Saturday morning, we celebrated by blasting “The Angry American” (by far our favorite patriotic song) in our flat. We celebrated with an afternoon braai at the 8-week-team’s house. As this is not America, no one celebrates the 4th of July here, and nobody even knows it’s a holiday. It emphasized to us that the U.S.A. is not the center of the world, like we often seem to think it is. However, I have never been prouder to be an American.


Homemade decorations elevated our patriotism.


The “Hello Kitty“ in the title of this post does not refer to the animated Japanese pop-culture icon, but rather to our new teammate! Kitty arrived with a 4-week team this weekend, and we couldn’t be happier to have her! She will be here for 6 months, and is the only other person scheduled so far to be in Rehoboth after August. We are so grateful for her willingness to serve, and are excited to get to know her.

Wednesday turned out to be an extremely stressful exciting day. As Josh and I were walking to the youth center in the morning, we realized there was a police officer standing on every corner of a particular road. We asked one what was going on, and he said the president was visiting. That explained an enormous SWAPO rally that had taken place in front of our house the night before. While we were meeting with the 4-week team about some youth center stuff, we sat outside, cameras poised (the youth center is along this road). Two hours after his scheduled arrival, we were able to take some pictures of the motorcade. It wasn’t much, but this is Rehoboth, and we’ll take any excitement we can get.



The motorcade, complete with a dozen or so squad cars

The President's actual vehicle.

Within an hour, we found out we needed to move; this was completely unexpected, and we had no notice, but Africa just works differently. Glory to God, we had a different place to stay within 2 hours! It will work well for us, and we are just excited we have somewhere to live.

Since we were dealing with all of this, we weren’t able to lead the youth program as usual, but the 10 people from the temporary summer teams were there, and they did a great job. This bodes well for when we are in Arandis.

For the next 2 weeks, we will be staying in Arandis, where we will be doing some work for Hope’s Promise. We are not certain of the details yet, but we know that I will be doing some sort of counseling, and Josh will be doing some maintenance and repairs, and possibly some work in the schools. It will be an adventure, something that has come up only recently. We are looking forward to seeing how we get to serve, but also a little apprehensive because we aren’t sure of what we will be doing. Please be praying that we will be able to glorify God in whatever we are asked to do!

Man vs. Wild

One day back in early September (before our assignment to Kenya fell through), I decided to watch a show called “Man vs. Wild” with Josh. We aren’t huge TV watchers, but I knew it was a show he enjoyed, so I thought I should check it out. The basic premise of the show is that a former member of British Special Forces is dropped into uninhabited wilderness, charged with the task of reaching civilization using only what he finds along the way. Some examples of "survival techniques" presented on the show are eating raw game, eating beetle larva and other insects, filterig urine into drinking water (using a found plastic bag), spearing and eating stingray; you get the idea. It often takes days to reach his destination, and the environment is truly inhospitable.

Entertaining.

We had recorded a few episodes, and one description said it was in Namibia, a country in Africa, so I chose that one as my introductory episode of “Man vs. Wild.” It’s a long way from Kenya, but what do I know about Africa? Any knowledge is worth something. On this particular episode, he was dropped by helicopter to a rocky coast consisting of 60 miles of desert. It is impossible to safely reach land from the water, as the piercing shoreline will demolish any ship. In fact, the reason they chose this location is that many individuals have survived these shipwrecks only to die in the desert. I looked at Josh and said (with a sigh of relief), “Praise the Lord He’s not sending us there.”

Guess where we are going, people. Yeah, that’s right. We have a new assignment- to Namibia.

Shocked? Me, too.

Laughing so hard you just fell off your chair? Hmm.

I decided to keep my mouth shut and just never say anything like that again, ever. Well, it’s the thought that counts, right?

Thankfully, the location of our assignment is pretty much inconsequential to Josh and I. We are just thrilled to have an assignment. I think we may end up loving Namibia.

Falling in Love All Over Again

A while back, as I was doing my devotional, the book I was reading was talking about the character of Christ, and how we should reflect it better as we come to know Him more. I was expecting to read something about being committed and willing to sacrifice, and exhibiting Fruit of the Spirit. Specifically, we should “become a progressively more joyful, loving, and winsome person.” I completely agree with the first two, but winsome? Hmm. I wanted to know exactly what the authors meant by that term, so I looked it up. Synonyms include charming, pleasant, likeable, attractive, engaging, endearing, and appealing. Our relationship with Christ cannot be akin to the friendship with our childhood best pal. We seem to forget He is God. I found the following online, and decided I couldn’t say it any better:

“…we’ve tried to present Jesus as someone people should like, someone who is
“relevant” and fun and always good to have at parties. But mostly this “new
Jesus” ends up looking about as interesting as the store manager down at
Office Depot. He’s friendly, tame, middle class and safe!

No, you can’t re-imagine Jesus! You can’t turn him into the ‘nice guy’ down
the street. You have to take him for Who He really is – as He’s revealed
Himself in Scripture. And there you find that he’s rarely “safe”. As Mr
Beaver says to Lucy in C S Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia (the book, not the
movie!) ”He’s not a tame lion!” Nor is He “safe.”

In that same passage from the book, Lucy asks Mr Beaver if Aslan, the Lion representing Christ, is “safe”. To which he responds, "Safe? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

If I recall correctly, Jesus was not most concerned with people liking Him. In fact, he was rejected by many, if not most. He was bold, wouldn’t support sin, and offended people in the process. But he also had a spirit of ready forgiveness when people repented. He cast out evil spirits. He was and is mighty and loving and confident and kind and He works miracles with no strain at all. He secured His own death by refusing to acquiesce to Jerusalem or Rome. It doesn’t seem to me that His priority was to be winsome at all.

This week has been a time of refocusing, and I am so grateful the Lord called us to it. Time is important in missions, but not more important than keeping our eyes on God. I have fallen in love with Him all over again, not just as my Savior, but as the one who knows everything about me, even the less-than-winsome parts, and loves and adores me anyway. I can't think of a better way to prepare for our time on the mission field.

Refocusing

This picture seems to pretty much sum up part of our lives right now. We have been presented with several opportunities (a blessing), but really that means we aren't positive which ones God wants us to be involved in. For example, right now we are considering two assignments simultaneously. How do we know which to choose? We are [im]patiently waiting on the Lord to make that abundantly clear to us.

At this point, the best choice seems to be continuing to move forward, but with cautiously and prayerfully. We know part of God's plan (missions together in Africa for at least 1 year), but the rest is all a little sketchy. Therefore, we have decided to step back from it all (for at least this week), and refocus. Instead of seeking after the answers, as we've been doing, we need to seek after the Lord with our whole hearts. After all, it's because of Him we are doing this in the first place.

Lately, my quiet times have been...lackluster. Usually I am excited to dig into Scripture, pray, and listen to what God has to say, but recently it has become a spiritual discipline in a new sense of the term. This week, I am committed to challenging myself to meet God in new ways. This morning as I was driving, I was awestruck by the beauty and complexity of the natural beauty I witness every day. The amazing part is that He probably made it in less time than it takes for me to remember my own name. I was inspired to spend a little time with God, photographing His creation. [None of these photos have been edited].

After all of the dreary weather in the past week, today's bright blue skies were a welcome respite. I drove (it was cold!) around the "neighborhood" (a 3-mile block), and actually took many shots from our car.
This photo is a great reminder to me to consider perspective. As a detail-oriented person, I sometimes focus too much on the little things, which breeds anxiety.

Sometimes, you just have to back up and look at the big picture- same angle, completely different view depending on where the focus is.
That's what it's all about. It's not about the 5- or 10- year plan, or money, or even family. From the Christian perspective, although it often seems to be about ministries or missions or programs or churches, it's not. Those are only tools. The purpose is to glorify God, and to show others how to know Him [better].

I literally drive past these views almost every day, but I never notice them- pathetic. I am usually too "busy" with my to-do list or worrying about something that is probably pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of life.

This is my favorite sight in the world. Even after visiting the Eiffel Tower, the Rocky Mountains, and the Great Wall of China, nothing compares to coming home. This week, it's about adjusting our focus in the spiritual equivalent.

Our Status

Just a quick update to let you know our current status

• Our former assignment in Kenya fell through. We are disappointed, but grateful that God was so clear in showing us it was not a part of His will for us
• We are currently praying about an assignment in Tanzania. It is not exactly what we originally envisioned, but we are just trying to be open to the Lord's leading
• We have continued our efforts to raise support from individuals and families. Almost all of the support packets have been assembled and sent, although a few are lagging behind because I am searching for the addresses and such.
• We have continued our efforts to raise support from churches. We have met with the mission boards of two churches so far, and yesterday we had the opportunity to share with the congregations of two wonderful churches in the area. Additionally, I began making follow-up calls to churches today. I had moderate success with those I contacted, but after having a dozen or so go to voice mail, I realized it is Monday, and many churches are closed.
• Prayer requests: for clarity in assignment, and that potential supporters would seek the Lord's will and be obedient to it, whatever that may be.
  

Support Letters

This past week, we sent support letters to churches. This week will be a busy one, as I will be making follow up calls and trying to set up meetings with mission boards. Additionally, we will be sending out letters to individuals and families. You can see a copy of the support letters on our other website. Please pray on behalf of fulfilling God's vision.
We have still not heard back about many of the details of our trip.

Humble Ramblings

Day 2 of my foray into blogging, and I have to say I am a smidgen proud of my self. Confession: I am technologically challenged. No, really. Sure, I can surf the net, photoshop (from my work in a photo studio), and I am addicted to email, but a blog?! Inwardly I feel like a computer geek- and I like it.

Since Josh and I continue to wait for our assignment, there is little yet to say about the details of our trip. I know there has been so much that God has done up to this point, even some things that I am aware of, but I think they'll just tumble out spontaneously amidst my humble ramblings. Besides, the life of a future missionary is filled with more than just missions; therefore, I implore to to humor me and I'll try not to bore you.



Last night I was blessed to be able to hang out with some of my favorite kids in the world. You have to understand that "babysitting" to me is really code for "get paid to play with kids who hug and cuddle and think you're amazing because you can fix their toy." We'll keep that between us, though, or I'll have to start getting real jobs. I have nannied all through my college career, and after my second family moved away this spring, I was without a position for the first time in 4 years. I love, relish, cherish times like last night. Josh and I had 12 kids in our wedding party- yep, you read that right. In spite of the fact that we both have huge families, we weren't related to a single one. They were simply children who have leeched on to our hearts to the extent that if they weren't an integral part of our wedding, it just wouldn't be right.



We have been praying since the first day we really felt called to Africa that we will be able to leave the kids at the end. I would adopt them all, but having several million children would be frowned upon, and how could I choose between them? To be perfectly honest, I don't really understand my deep love of children. I am passionate about caring for and serving them, but it doesn't seem logical.



Take, for example, the Lovewells. There children are Sweetpea (age 7), Buddy (age 4 1/2) and Little One (7 months). I have babysat the kids since Sweetpea was 2 and Buddy was 6 months. In that time I have changed countless diapers, been puked on at least once by all of the kids, given time-outs, dealt with screaming, crying, and bickering, and have often driven 3 hours round trip just to see this family. But it's all worth it- slobbery kisses, hand-colored projects, "I love you," our overnight parties, bedtime stories, and seeing (and hearing) their excitement when walking through the front door are priceless.

Sometimes I fear becoming a mother someday. Don't get me wrong: I believe parenthood is the highest calling, and I can't wait to have kids. But sometimes I wonder, since I love these kids so much, and think they're brilliant, talented, beautiful, polite, kind, and fabulous, how will my children ever measure up? How can I possibly love other children as much as these? Their parents are so kind, always saying how my husband and I are godsends and like family (which I of course love to hear :)). What they really don't understand is what a blessing they've all been to us. When I was at my first college, it was one of the most stressful and depressing times of my life. Then, out of the blue, God brought us together. Every week, I would drive home just to see them. I found peace and comfort in their presence (not to mention in my marathon talks with their mom), only to realize children bring me closer into God's presence.



When Josh and I move to Africa, I anticipate a great sense of grief from being away from family and friends. The longest I have ever been away from home is 3 months, and I would be perfectly satisfied with that. However, I know even now that the people I will miss the most are "my kids." They grow so fast; after a year Sweetpea will have written a book, Princess will be in post-secondary education, Buddy will be training for the Olympics, and Little One will run the UN (maybe she can whip it into shape). I guess my greatest fear, deep down, is that they will forget me. I pray the love I've shown them will sustain itself until we return, because they are indelibly imprinted on my heart

I Know Nothing

I guess you could say it all started with the quarter-life crisis now so ubiquitous on college campuses- "I've gotten this far, ready to take the world by storm, but precisely how do I fit into God's plan?" I went into college thinking I would graduate from the same school I started at in four years, go on to medical school, and not so much as date until I was officially an M.D. Instead, I transferred schools (which meant graduating in five years), switched majors twice, am planning on graduate school for psychology, and was married before my senior year of college.

Check out the lantern in this picture, one of the hundreds donated by the class of 1958. Every member of the class of 2008 received one, and we all lit them simultaneously- so cool!




Incidentally, I would like to state for the record that those requisite graduation caps do nobody any favors. It seems like a ploy in which school administrations have one last chance to manipulate students into doing something ridiculous- "They look like fools, and they paid for it- mwa ha ha ha (maniacal laugh)".

The Call

Frankly, I think it's preposterous that one is expected to decide one's entire future by the age of 22. Many 22-year-olds I know shouldn't be allowed to decide what to do with a weekend, let alone a lifetime. After much time spent in prayer, I felt I should apply to graduate school. I waded through the dense web of standardized tests, transcripts, references, and essays. I did the interviews. I waited, worried, and prayed. But before I had so much as heard from many of the schools, God made it clear this was not His timing. I was less than thrilled to make this discovery.

It started out with a speaker to our church in the cities who was also the founder of a missions organization. As soon as I read the snippet about the message in the bulletin, my anxiety skyrocketed. For several years, I knew God would eventually call me to Africa to work with children; it was always on the back burner, an adventure always set in the distant future. I really hoped God wasn't going to mess up my plans...I know it sounds ridiculous, but you know you've thought it, too.

He started to talk about his background. Although he knew our pastor from time in Arizona, he actually grew up within an hour of our hometown. His first "real" missions experience was taking Bibles into China and serving there (as was mine), and his daughter was finishing up her doctorate in Psychology (my eventual academic goal). These, among many other similarities, forced both Josh and I to take notice. Long story short, we told him we would keep in touch about serving with his organization in the distant future. Later, I came to find out that my parents also knew him from working with him in the 1980's- it was a little surreal.

When Josh and I both came to realize God's plan was for us to serve in Africa much sooner than ours, we asked for confirmation. We prayed with our pastor's wife, who felt the Holy Spirit lead her to ask for not one, but three, confirmations. This was at the beginning of our church service, and by the time we left, we had all three.

Since then we decided to switch organizations, moved out of our apartment, put most of our worldly possessions in storage, and are preparing to leave behind everything we know. This is in large part based on faith. We have no details about an official assignment (who, what, when, where), we haven't been able to raise support yet, and we aren't really even sure how long we are going for (most likely somewhere around one year). For the hyper-organized, compulsively scheduled control-freak that I am, this just doesn't sit well. I thrive on details, and right now, I pretty much know nothing.

What I do know is this: when God asks me if I am willing to go, I will say yes. I am perfectly aware of the rebels, of AIDS, of poverty, of living situations; we are called to look beyond that, above it. As a missionary I recently met said, the most dangerous place to be is anywhere but in God's will. I know that there are people who need the love of Christ, and the assurance and peace of the message of the Gospel. As I said to Princess (the little girl my family has taken care of on the weekends for the last 5 years), we are going to help and take care of kids who have no mommies and daddies.

We won't forget the ones we love here; we will learn to love better by God breaking our hearts for the lost and underprivileged. Finally, I know that, although Africa can be a dangerous place, I would rather go, serve, and die there, than spend the rest of my life knowing I was disobedient, that I had given up the opportunity to be used to change even one life in the name of Christ.