Why I Dislike School Breaks

I have a few weeks of school break right now, and it’s totally throwing me.   

Confession: I despise school breaks.  I know, I’m a freak- there, I said it for you.   

Don’t get me wrong- when I was a kid I looked forward to school breaks just like any other normal kid.  Mine were always filled with day camps and parties and playdates and enrichment classes and family time, and I loved every second.

Somewhere along the line, all that changed.

School breaks mark some of the most stressful and depressed times of my life.  I didn’t even realize this until last fall, but since then I’ve thought a lot about it.  I think I’ve discovered the reason behind the insanity:

I have ridiculous expectations.

So, that’s pretty much the story of my life, but it gets especially out of hand on school vacation.  During the school year, I am completely busy with going to school full time and running a business.  I find I cut myself a little slack (lest I die from over-exertion).  However, in the back of my mind I am always making promises that when finals are over I will:

Finish decorating the house (perfectly, of course)…

Return all those emails and facebook messages…

Catch up on all my photo editing…

Organize the file cabinet…

Do spring cleaning…

Get in shape…

Visit all the family and friends we miss…

Handwrite letters…

Make those sewing alterations…

Apply for scholarships…

Update my [long-neglected] blog…

Look at PhD programs…

Begin my research for next year…

Take cookies and introduce ourselves to the neighbors we haven’t met since we moved here in September…

Finally create and order our wedding photo book… 4 years after we got married…and did I mention I’m a photographer?!

And a million other things.  All within the 3 week time span I have off from school.  Oh, and I will rest and relax so chronic illness doesn’t rear it’s ugly head.

But it just never works out that way.  Instead, I get sick as a result of pushing my body too hard the last semester.  And I do too much too soon since I set expectations that were too high, so I spend the entire break feeling icky.  I have no structure or deadlines so I don’t know what to tackle when; I feel like I run in circles.  I panic because I only have ___ number of days left to get all this done!!!  I begin to feel purposeless.

It doesn’t feel much like vacation.  

I wish I could wrap this post up in some cute, neat little package, complete with a “life lesson.”  I know I could write about God’s mandate for us to rest, or about balance, or relaxation, or not finding our value in efficiency.   I see that potential there, but that’s just not where I am at right now.  I want to be sincere with you, and right now that is just to leave it open-ended.  To sit with the discomfort.  To accept reality right now for what it is.  It might not be ideal, but it’s real and genuine… and I can live with that.

What is your reality right now?

New Look, New Life

Well, in case you didn't notice, CTLA got a makeover!  Woohoo!!!!!!!

Because seriously, it was about time.

After more than two years and 200 posts- which just blows my mind since I still feel like a baby blogger- I was tired of looking at that dreary black background.  At least now I know I am not inspired by dark and boring.

I thought for a while about whether I would keep this blog.  After all, we aren't in Africa anymore- at least for now, anyway (more on that to come).  And I do have another blog to keep up, which occupies much of my time already. 

After thought and prayer, however, I realized I didn't want to sacrifice the outlet and relationships that this blog has sparked.  It is more than it seems on the surface, which is what so many bloggers already know.

It's connection.

It's community.

It's memories.

It's having a voice.

But I needed some new inspiration.  I decided a new look would be the way to go.  Since I had just gotten my photography blog redesigned, I already knew a great designer.  Tara of Our Princess in Pigtails Designs is wonderful to work with and beyond talented.  If you are even considering thinking about maybe wanting to look at trying having your blog professionally designed, check her out.  And, she is way affordable, which was huge to me.  If I had found her sooner, I would have gotten this done ages ago.

As I’ve been looking at other blogs, trying to figure out what mine needs for the redesign (since I only get one shot at this or I have to pay more money : P ), I realized I have no “about me” section. It’s pretty much intentional, but possibly unacceptable. I am reminded of the fact that I want to read an “about me” section when I visit a blog. I mean, honestly, I don’t want to start reading posts every day, and develop a tight internet-bound relationship that I come to rely on, only to find out the author is some sort of animal sacrificer or dictator or supports dealing illicit drugs to pre-schoolers.

[Don't judge my dramatic and fanciful thinking.  It could happen.]

I guess it’s a quality-control sort of thing.

The other day I was trying to post an ad on craigslist. Now, I had already posted this ad and it had run for a full 40 days or whatever the allotted time is before your post expires. So, I post the very same ad, and it got “flagged and removed.” Three times. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is? I did the same thing last time, SO WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME DIFFERENT RESULTS?????

??

Grrrr… I was feeling rather riled up about the whole thing, in case you didn’t catch that.

Anyway, I posted a question to a craigslist forum. Because you can’t just pick up the phone and call them or anything. No, when you have already failed miserably at posting on their technological venue, they want to make you do it again, just to really emphasize that you don’t know what you are doing.

But some kind soul (*bless their heart*) took pity on me and told me how it was. Apparently your post isn’t deleted by some sort of algorithm or anything. Instead, viewers flag it either for not following the rules or because they think it looks sketchy or like a scam or even because they just don’t like you. So really, it can be a bit of a challenge to figure out why you got kicked off.

But the kind soul’s suggestion for improvement threw me- it wasn’t that I didn’t include the appropriate language or links or format, but rather that I didn’t include any information about myself, anything that would make it clear I was a real, live, local person and not just a robot somewhere.

Which makes sense, you know? Why would you read my blog if you don’t know who I am ?
So I will give it a try, open up, and be vulnerable- even if it doesn't come easy.

So, if you're interested you can check out the "About" section for a look into my mixed-up, wonderful, messy, complicated, grace-filled, Jesus-dependent life.

Thanks for stopping by : )

Potential

As we wrapped up our time in Africa, I looked back over some of my old journal entries and found a few that I would like to share. Today's is from January 24, 2010:
____________________
What is the value of a life lived for oneself? At best, you can impact one life-your own. But a life lived with the purpose of glorifying God by serving and loving others has the potential to change the world.

Joy to the World

As we wrapped up our time in Africa, I looked back over some of my old journal entries and found a few that I would like to share. Today's is from December 5, 2009:
________________________

Tonight [at camp] we watched a skit on Creation. In it, the soundtrack said that man was created on the 6th day, with a purpose to make babies and enjoy God's creation. As believers, I have to imagine there was more to it than that, and we are to share the Gospel, love others, and glorify God.

But what if that is what we were truly created for?I know it was before the Fall, but might God still want these to be a part of our lives? Like a significant part?

How many people do I know that I think of as joyful? I know people whom I consider to be industrious, gracious, successful, faithful, sensitive, and a million other positive adjectives, but very few who I would describe as joyful. In fact, if I think of the top 3 characteristics (as I perceive them) of people I know, not many are joy. This should not be considered a negative reflection on them; rather, I think they may be a representative cross-section of our culture. Is it culturally motivated? I don't know. It certainly doesn't seem to be a priority in our society.

Another possibility is that it has to do with me. No, I am not suggesting that the mere circumstance of knowing me strips one of one's joy. However, it may be that I don't know how to recognize joy. I wouldn't say it is one of my 3 primary characteristics, or even my top 10. If this is what we are created for, that's a scary thought.

Maybe it is a result of sin being in the world...that sin would rob us of our joy doesn't seem far-fetched.

Are we really even sure of how to define joy? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that if it is what God created us for, I want more of it.

This Is No Sacrifice

We are home in the States, safe and sound.

Even though I have quotes set to continue to load every day for the near future, I felt a pull to post today. After all, this post needs to come on Easter...

Today, as I was sitting at Josh's parents house, I was thinking about Easter and all that it means. It seems that with all of the traveling and reacquainting and settling in and jet lag (we slept 15 hours on Saturday!!!), I have hardly had time to focus on God this weekend. I know most people use "not enough time" as a lame excuse, but I am completely serious and literal about it right now

Of course, that just isn't good enough. It is in these times that we must push ourselves to make time, and to show God that He is our priority.

Everyone goes on about the sacrifices Josh and I have made this last year- being away from family & friends, living in a brutal climate, acclimating to a new culture, etc. And yes, while the last year has been a blessing and privilege in many ways, it has also been a sacrifice. As a result of our decision to be obedient to God's calling on our lives, our families and friends have also had to sacrifice. It has been a challenge for us all.

But when considering "sacrifice", the term is somewhat relative. Relative to the cushy American lifestyle of TV, internet, personal vehicles, homes with multiple bedrooms, vacations, fast food, etc., our choice might look somewhat significant. But this weekend we celebrate God's sacrifice, when He gave His only Son to die for our sins. On a cross; a criminal's death. He was perfect and had done no wrong, but He suffered the consequences of my sin. He died for the salvation of the whole world, but He would have done it for any one of us.

That's real sacrifice. That is the measure against which I want to model my life. To know that my life is no sacrifice, because it isn't really mine at all.

Our dear friend Britt taught a song (by Jason Upton) that has really resonated with me this past year. The chorus says:

"Your thoughts are higher than mine
and your words are deeper than mine.
Your love is stronger than mine.
This is no sacrifice; here's my life."

People often ask us if we will return to Africa. The reality is that we just aren't sure. At this point, it seems that God may be leading us back there, but all the details are hazy and incomprehensible, so really nothing official to report. What I do know is this: I pray God will give us the courage and strength to obey His call, no matter what it might be- whenever, wherever, however. It is terrifying, especially given the fact that we know God may call us to things that are a little different than for most. But what is my life for, if not to do His will? There is nothing I can do to repay Jesus for His mercy, love, generosity, and selflessness. As I see it, all I have to give Him is everything that I am.

American Values

I am a proud American. I am grateful to have been born in a place where I can vote, own land, and worship God anytime I want. I love this country.

But lately, I have realized myself personifying the "American values" I am less inclined to smile about- gluttony, excess, self-centeredness, ingratitude, wastefulness, prideful independence. These are what the rest of the world considers us to be about. These are the values often shown in the media, and sadly, this time they may be right. We may think much of the rest of the world dislikes us because of one or two political decisions, but maybe there's more to it than that...

I am ashamed for what I am about to tell you, but sin can only live in secret, so I am sharing with everyone. The other night I was talking to someone about how I wanted to upgrade a piece of non-essential electrical equipment. Here I am, ready to leave to serve some of the world's poorest people, and I was essentially whining about wanting more.

Mid-sentence, I stopped. The Holy Spirit had completely convicted me, and I asked those around me what I was thinking! (crickets...)

This got me thinking about how often I hear the words "I want" or "I need." It got me thinking about how often I say those words. As we've begun to pack for Namibia, it has been challenging to decide on what we actually need. As we will only take 4 pieces of luggage for a whole year, we are forced to prioritize our "necessary" possessions. Think about it: how many pairs of pants do you need for a year? shirts? pens? cough drops? There are so many things we don't praise the Lord for on a daily basis, because we have easy access to them. For example, if we want to make cookies, we have to bring chocolate chips with us, because they are not available to buy in Africa.

Although most Americans can not imagine living out of 4 bags for a year, we will look gluttonous to some people in Africa. We will be considered rich no matter what we bring. In truth, we would be allowed to bring a total of 6 bags, but we feel it is important to live as closely as possible to those we are working with...it is a small sacrifice, especially knowing it is temporary.

Honestly, I am not even sure I can determine what we actually need to survive. Allegedly, one can live upwards of 40 days without food; however, I don't think this would work well while doing physical labor in Namibia. Since nudity would be frowned upon, how long will one T-shirt survive- 2 months of daily wear? 2 years? What I am sure of is this: our closetful of clothing is not necessary for survival.

I endeavored to count how many times I think "I want" or "I need" in a day; unfortunately, I lost focus. Then, I decided to search the internet for the number of times per day the average person thinks of needs or desires. Isn't it ironic that, on the same internet where we can find information about billions of different subjects, not one description that showed up was applicable. Not even one.

It will be a culture shock to leave the excess of America for the simplicity and lacking in Namibia. But I imagine it will be a far greater challenge to return. In fact, Josh has banned me from touching our storage unit for the first month that we come back, for fear I'll give everything away.

To me, material possessions, status, money, power, achievement, people-pleasing... these are all things that distract me from God. I want to know Him with all of my being; with every breath I take, I want to glorify Him. Instead, I find myself worried with having enough, or getting what I deserve (another post for another day), or what someone thinks of me. I am being brutally honest here, people. That is not glorifying to God.

I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes, and a question:

The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today,
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips,
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.

I don't have the answers, just lots of questions, but I ask you: how do you stay in the world without becoming of the world?