As Long As We Both Have Breath

As we wrapped up our time in Africa, I looked back over some of my old journal entries and found a few that I would like to share. Today's is from March 5, 2010:
_____________________
Today we had the opportunity to swim at the edge of Victoria Falls. Literally at the edge (see photo):



This is the only time you will likely ever see me in a bathing suit. I feel it is crucial to the integrity of the story (sound familiar?). Moving on...

I kept marveling at how much water was going over the falls- they are more that 1.7 kilometers long, and 100 meters or so to the bottom. The river was high, and massive amounts of water rushed over the edge of the cliff. It seemed like so much, but in reality it only fills the Zambezi River. It reminded me of God's power, but I was completely struck when I realized this is just a drop in the bucket compared to the amount of water He flooded the earth with when Noah built the ark!

I was so glad to see this sight with Josh. If he hadn't been there, my experience would not have been complete. Several years ago, a young friend became a widow when her husband was killed in an accident. I cried and grieved for her, but the magnitude of her loss didn't hit me until a month or so later. As I was staring out at the game refuge behind my parent's house, the wind was blowing the long grass, making it look like waves in a green sea. It was so peaceful and perfect; the only thing that could have made it better was for Josh to be there to share it.

Then it hit me: she would never again share any experience with her husband, even those precious everyday moments that we take for granted. I grieved for her in a whole new way.

I always love Josh, but I don't always like him : ) Of course, I say this tongue-in-cheek, but those of you who are married know exactly what I mean. Remembering this story reminds me of how blessed I am to have him on loan from God, and that I need to cherish every day. We aren't guaranteed even another breath... I am certain my friend would sacrifice almost anything to have more time with her husband. Leaving his clothes on the floor or not taking out the trash would seem inconsequential. I pray I remember that, too, while we both still have breath.

Joy to the World

As we wrapped up our time in Africa, I looked back over some of my old journal entries and found a few that I would like to share. Today's is from December 5, 2009:
________________________

Tonight [at camp] we watched a skit on Creation. In it, the soundtrack said that man was created on the 6th day, with a purpose to make babies and enjoy God's creation. As believers, I have to imagine there was more to it than that, and we are to share the Gospel, love others, and glorify God.

But what if that is what we were truly created for?I know it was before the Fall, but might God still want these to be a part of our lives? Like a significant part?

How many people do I know that I think of as joyful? I know people whom I consider to be industrious, gracious, successful, faithful, sensitive, and a million other positive adjectives, but very few who I would describe as joyful. In fact, if I think of the top 3 characteristics (as I perceive them) of people I know, not many are joy. This should not be considered a negative reflection on them; rather, I think they may be a representative cross-section of our culture. Is it culturally motivated? I don't know. It certainly doesn't seem to be a priority in our society.

Another possibility is that it has to do with me. No, I am not suggesting that the mere circumstance of knowing me strips one of one's joy. However, it may be that I don't know how to recognize joy. I wouldn't say it is one of my 3 primary characteristics, or even my top 10. If this is what we are created for, that's a scary thought.

Maybe it is a result of sin being in the world...that sin would rob us of our joy doesn't seem far-fetched.

Are we really even sure of how to define joy? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that if it is what God created us for, I want more of it.

This Is No Sacrifice

We are home in the States, safe and sound.

Even though I have quotes set to continue to load every day for the near future, I felt a pull to post today. After all, this post needs to come on Easter...

Today, as I was sitting at Josh's parents house, I was thinking about Easter and all that it means. It seems that with all of the traveling and reacquainting and settling in and jet lag (we slept 15 hours on Saturday!!!), I have hardly had time to focus on God this weekend. I know most people use "not enough time" as a lame excuse, but I am completely serious and literal about it right now

Of course, that just isn't good enough. It is in these times that we must push ourselves to make time, and to show God that He is our priority.

Everyone goes on about the sacrifices Josh and I have made this last year- being away from family & friends, living in a brutal climate, acclimating to a new culture, etc. And yes, while the last year has been a blessing and privilege in many ways, it has also been a sacrifice. As a result of our decision to be obedient to God's calling on our lives, our families and friends have also had to sacrifice. It has been a challenge for us all.

But when considering "sacrifice", the term is somewhat relative. Relative to the cushy American lifestyle of TV, internet, personal vehicles, homes with multiple bedrooms, vacations, fast food, etc., our choice might look somewhat significant. But this weekend we celebrate God's sacrifice, when He gave His only Son to die for our sins. On a cross; a criminal's death. He was perfect and had done no wrong, but He suffered the consequences of my sin. He died for the salvation of the whole world, but He would have done it for any one of us.

That's real sacrifice. That is the measure against which I want to model my life. To know that my life is no sacrifice, because it isn't really mine at all.

Our dear friend Britt taught a song (by Jason Upton) that has really resonated with me this past year. The chorus says:

"Your thoughts are higher than mine
and your words are deeper than mine.
Your love is stronger than mine.
This is no sacrifice; here's my life."

People often ask us if we will return to Africa. The reality is that we just aren't sure. At this point, it seems that God may be leading us back there, but all the details are hazy and incomprehensible, so really nothing official to report. What I do know is this: I pray God will give us the courage and strength to obey His call, no matter what it might be- whenever, wherever, however. It is terrifying, especially given the fact that we know God may call us to things that are a little different than for most. But what is my life for, if not to do His will? There is nothing I can do to repay Jesus for His mercy, love, generosity, and selflessness. As I see it, all I have to give Him is everything that I am.

Jesus and Hoarfrost

When we first arrived in Namibia, people complained about the weather. All. The. Time. Just like people at home, people seemed to connect through shared challenges- one of those “Misery loves company” things, I suppose. In Minnesota, we get the best of both worlds to “connect” about- 100°F heat and 100% humidity in the summer, and -70°F wind chill in the winter; commiseration is only a conversation away. Of course, here we use Celsius, so the numbers are never quite so impressive. Interesting fact: Fahrenheit and Celsius match up at -40°, which means people can imagine how cold it might be (but only imagine- it has never gotten anywhere near there in Namibia).

Anyway, after about 2 days of hearing and participating in the negativity, I decided something had to change. If you live in a foreign country, you aren’t allowed to be negative- you will drive yourself crazy with all the little cultural differences that irritate you.

That being said, I want to detail the heat here for all you snow-covered folks at home. (BTW, we aren’t having a white Christmas. Maybe there will be a sandstorm, and it can look sort of like a blizzard). Personally, I know I’d want to know, so here is the reality:

I L-O-V-E sunshine, and in comparison to living here, we have basically been deprived of it our entire lives. But, the sun here is much hotter, and your skin feels like it’s on fire at times, even when you aren’t sunburned. Instead of getting great tans, we hide from the sun as much as possible. It’s so bright that, even when you wear strong sunglasses, you still get a headache.

Everyone sweats all the time. Constantly, and from every orifice of your body (except the eyes-I don’t think my eyes sweat). It doesn’t matter what you are doing- you wake up in a pool, sweat while you sit, stand, eat, talk, write, listen, anything. You sweat immediately after your shower (probably during, too), which makes it hard to find the motivation to even take one sometimes. Yes, I have gone for 3 days here without a shower- disgusting, but sadly it makes little difference. It is a workout just to move. We have started doing the majority of our work in the morning and evening, since we are completely ineffectual during the blistering afternoons.

Recently we were playing sand volleyball (which goes without saying- every sport here is played in the sand), when Josh’s shoe started to fall apart. The sand was so hot, it literally melted the glue that was holding the sole of his shoe together. Food, candles, crayons, thin plastic, and soap melt- and not just when they are sitting in the sun. We don’t have a thermometer, which is fine because we’ve been told that some of the temperatures we will reach won’t register properly.

Because yes, it’s only going to get hotter.

During our winter/ U.S. summer, we heard rumor that we should get rain in November. Still waiting. I guess the fact that we got a little rain in September messed everything up, and now the rains won’t come until January. When they arrive, temperatures start to cool down a bit- to 90 or 100 degree F.

Last year, God blessed me with the forthought to bring two pictures with us to remember the snow and be able to show it to people. The hoarfrost is beautiful, and it makes me colder just thinking about it.

When I feel like I’m melting, Jesus and hoarfrost are the only things keeping me going.

*********************************************************************************
It has now, officially, rained!!! PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...............

I am tired. No, like really, super exhausted. I know I have neglected Called to Love Africa, so I want to get back into it. I have all the common excuses: holiday season, camp, 110 degree weather…you know. I will try to keep my eyes open as I write this post, but I am afraid I will wake up with drool on my keyboard and 179 j’s across my computer screen.

This all started with a “brilliant” idea…

Internet is really expensive here, and it is something of a necessity for us. I use it for researching curricula for some Hope’s Promise stuff, AIM keeps in contact with us via email, and it’s our primary mode of communication with loved ones at home. So, you can see the dilemma: one dollar per megabyte on the one hand, and missionary budget on the other.

However, we recently heard that internet from our provider is free between the hours of 1am and 5am, which is great, because we can save a lot of money. The only problem is that this is in the middle of the night (and the connection is really s-l-o-w). But, since it’s so hot in the afternoons that productivity is only slightly higher than zero, we thought we could sleep for 4 hours in the afternoon to cancel that out. We just forgot that the only reason we can sleep at night is that the temperature drops when the sun goes down.

So…”brilliant” was really code for “insane.” No matter, I just figure I am training myself for future motherhood.

What I Did on My Thanksgiving Vacation, Part 6

On Saturday, we visited a snake park. It was interesting and educational, but there was always a part of me just waiting for one to jump out at me. They even have a Black Mamba, one of the deadliest snakes in the world (yay!). It was creepy. But, you know, I am up for trying almost anything once.

One of my favorite parts was the sign that said “We only have 3 Puff Adders, and they are very important to us. Please watch your step.” We found out later they only have 2, but they like to see people’s reactions. Hee hee : )

This is a type of poisonous tree snake. It was behind glass (they all were), but it freaked me out because it seemed like its eyes followed you all over the room.

Don’t look at this next one if you are squeamish. It is a _______ snake (no idea what the name is- I was distracted), feeding on a rat. I am no fan of rats, but I even felt a little bad for it. The snake kills its prey by squeezing it to death. I have video, but I think it’s too graphic for this blog. By the way, he swallowed it whole. Yum.

This is a black Mamba, eating a rat. Sorry for the reflection, but I didn’t trust the glass enough to be any closer. I think he looks evil. These guys are super-scary and hyper-aggressive. Sometimes people say they can fly, because they will jump from tree to tree to chase after you. My goal is to never encounter one in real life, because I think I would just wet my pants.

This is a Boomslang (or something like that). It is a poisonous tree snake, but I think its coloring is rather beautiful. Can’t say that for most of these specimens.

The highlight? We held a boa constrictor. For real. And of course I caught it on film, because I need to have visual proof to show people. It actually wasn’t that bad, but once is probably enough for me.  I am smiling on the outside, but the camera caught how I really felt for a second:



My husband, the snake handler:

I think I am really more a giraffe and zebra kind of girl.

What I Did on My Thanksgiving Vacation, Part 5

When the place that you live in is so hot it melts candle wax (yes, our taper candle is now laying perpendicular to its holder (formerly a tuna can), beaches become…beautiful havens of God’s grace. Swakopmund is about the only place to escape the heat here, and even just looking at these pictures brings relief.

Swakop is the only place that I have seen overcast or cloudy in Namibia. I love the sunshine, but even I enjoy a break every once in a while.

On Friday night, Josh and I did some exploring at the beach. I have discovered a new love for tide pools- they are so cool! I love finding the little surprises in each one.

This sunset was particularly stunning, and I felt privileged just to witness it. This is all God, completely unedited.

I love how He sends us reminders of how amazing and powerful He is. I am so quick to forget.

Random Thoughts That Float Around In My Brain

So I hope you take the descriptor “random” literally…just wait- these are the observations I have made so far. There are few people who think like this, and if you’re one of them, you should call me up. Maybe we can get a support group or group counseling going or something...

***You know how it’s a big deal in the U.S. to speak a second language? Here you’d be considered a slacker. Because of there being so many tribal languages in a close vicinity, it is not unusual for people to know 5 or 6 languages, and not unheard of to know 9 or 10.

***We have no heating or air conditioning.

***The other day, I was at a local store something like a very small Pamida, and I was looking at a pair of jeans. I realized the button said “Abercrombie.” Thinking this curious, I looked at the label, and sure enough, the store had just slapped their store sticker on the label, and there was an Abercrombie tag. Now, they were selling these for about the equivalent of four dollars (on sale). They were originally about eight. Even though they didn’t have my size, I was tempted…

***There are these obnoxious little thorns everywhere. Teeny-tiny. And everywhere. Walking home from the church one day, I started getting a pain in my lower back, and I didn’t know what it was. Somehow, and I have no idea how, one was lodged in the waistband of my underwear. Like I said, they’re everywhere.

***It is really common for families to be spread out age-wise. For example, the difference between the oldest and youngest child in a family may be such that an aunt and her niece are in the same class at school.

***If you want to stimulate motivation to read Scripture, buy a brand new Bible. It has given me a renewed fervor to examine passages, to highlight, to write notes. Not being able to rely on what I have highlighted or written before has challenged me in new ways.

***Jelly shoes and American music are ubiquitous here. Of course, the music is usually somewhere between 10 and 20 years behind. The other day, we went into a drug store and everyone and their brother was singing along to “Wind Beneath My Wings.”

***The phrase heard everywhere is “Ai Mon” (or something like that). It sounds like “eye mon” (rhyming with don or con). This is what people here say when they are frustrated, like when we would say “shoot” or something similar.

***Josh likes to keep several books going at once, so that he can choose his reading material based on his moods. He will mention how great a book is, and I might begin reading it simultaneously (which works fine since we usually read at different times of the day. Since I can’t stand bookmarks, and since he despises when I dog-ear the pages, I came up with a solution- paper clips- they don’t fall out, they don’t bend, and they don’t get in the way.

***When they write the date here, it’s day first, month second, year third. For example, October 4 is 4/10/09. This can be very confusing. Also, when quoting numbers, the period and comma are switched (ex. Four-thousand three-hundred four dollars and twenty-three cents looks like 4.304,23. Again, rather confusing.)

***The phones here are wonderful. Not that they are cheap, or their reception is any good, or any of the typical concerns. Rather, they have flashlights on them! And screensavers! And you can compose your own ringtones (my personal fave)! Josh is enamored.

***When we first got to London, we were walking the escalator to the Underground (yes, the double-high escalator was out of service), and I kept thinking how rude British people were! Here we are, trying to politely bear right in a crowded venue, when at least half the people don’t seem to care at all. Then it dawns on me: since they drive on the left side, they also bear left while passing each other. Oh my word, I felt like the biggest imbecile on the planet. Makes Matthew 7:3 all the more pertinent, huh? I am just glad I did this in London, because nobody there knows me.

***Interesting trend/habit/cultural tradition (I am not really sure which)- it is common to see women and girls in public with their hair in bright orange or green rollers. Like, really common. Not sure why.

***Another hair trend: braids (I know you’re shocked). Most people don’t go to a salon, they just braid each other’s hair (even little kids know how). The interesting part stems from the fact that people usually add extensions into the braids to give them length, and they sell them everywhere! No joke, I saw them at the grocery store!

***Namibia has year-round school. The school year follows the calendar year. Students are supposed to go until at least grade 10, and then if they meet certain qualifications they may complete grades 11 and 12. They call grade 12 “matriculation,” and have a big party (like prom) in the middle of the year. Although school is public, there is a yearly fee that must be paid for every child to attend school. Computer and physical education classes cost extra. There is no “kindergarten” school level.

***Women carry everything on their heads here. I’ve seen mothers with a basket on their head, a baby on their back, a child on one hip, and holding another child’s hand on the other side. That is talent. Josh and I watched a movie once in which a girl was learning to balance a book on her head. The next day, we saw a woman walking down the street carrying this very large, oddly-shaped vase on top of her head. No contest.

***In the U.S. (in spite of all the skin cancer research) most people enjoy having a tan. Many people pay big money to at least fake having one. In contrast, people here (who have much darker skin) tend to walk everywhere with an umbrella to protect them from the sun. I guess they had to find something to do with umbrellas, since it hardly ever rains…

***People go all-out for 21st birthday parties here (sort of like a quincinera in Latin culture). For those who can afford it, large parties are thrown, and all the attendees dress up and toast the honoree. Kids in the youth group keep asking what I did for my 21st birthday, and are often disappointed when they find out I ate dinner with my family and had French Silk pie.

***The other day, we were in Windhoek and I saw a vintage aqua-colored VW Bug. It made my day.

***The sun here is far more intense than at home. Even when it is not super hot out, you can still feel immense heat in direct sunlight. The sun is also far brighter; Josh and I can’t step outside without sunglasses. The ironic part? Locals NEVER wear sunglasses here!

Sojourner

Think of the longest time you’ve ever been away from home (with no visits). How did you feel? We are going on 8 months, and although we love it here, there have definitely been challenges. I know some people thrive on change and new environments; I’m just not one of them.

God has been merciful and protected us from major attacks, but there have definitely been bouts of homesickness. I want to stay up late talking with my mom, to hug my dad, to hang out with our siblings and friends. I want to sit on the corn burner and talk wrestling with Josh’s dad, and sewing with his mom. I miss hugs and blown kisses from “our” kids. I miss having a car, and having our friends over, speaking the local language, and being able to understand everything that’s said around me. I miss the familiar, the comfortable- people, church, food, environment, culture, weather, money, communication. I miss the security of “home.” No matter how much I grow to love Rehoboth and its people (which is already a lot), there will always be something missing.

One day I was talking with God about homesickness, and asking Him to keep it from interfering with our ministry, when it hit me: this feeling was not new, just intensified. A part of me has felt it my whole life.

I am homesick for heaven.

I don’t claim to know that much about heaven- the Bible leaves a lot of room for interpretation and discussion- but I do know this: it is our true home, one of complete fellowship, communion, and companionship with God. Yes, we can have this to an extent while on this earth, but this will be so much more, and for all eternity. No matter how much I love people around me and life on earth, there will always be something missing.

With this in mind, I’d like to take the next few days to share what I have been learning about eternity, heaven, and our place on earth.

Love Like Crazy

We were asked to do a video for one of our supporting churches, and in order to get the most mileage out of the effort, we thought we could share it right here.

My Constant Companion

I am a worrier. There, I’ve said it.

After Kelly’s post a while ago, I wrote the following in my journal:

[On anxiety]
God has given me the opportunity for great growth in this area as of late: moving 4 times in 6 months, the uncertainty of not having visas, being cut off from the life we are used to and the comforts of home. And yet, I still struggle- I want to trust and have peace.

When I think of the time and energy I have sacrificed in worry, it’s…embarrassing. I believe in the One Who Controls All,, who created the entire universe with the flick of His little finger, and I have wasted so much of my life caught up in the “what-ifs.” Years of my life.

The craziest realization? Anxiety and chasing down all the possible outcomes of a situation is usually so much more draining than what actually happens (usually). I see that it is foolish, and I should just stop worrying.

Problem solved!

Or not, because letting go is so much easier said than done. True anxiety becomes a lifestyle, one that is always tinged with skepticism, doubt, fear, and the need for control. Anxiety is the noose with which satan has tried to strangle my spirit.

Until this point, I have accepted it as a part of who I am, but that’s a lie. Anxiety is a condition forced upon us by the enemy, and one we don’t have to accept. Kelly’s post reminded me of that. We are not captive to our circumstances or inclinations; we have freedom in Christ. He has already won the struggle for us.

WWYD (What Would You Do)?

According to a sermon I heard a while back, there are approximately 168,000 martyrs each year for the Christian faith. I feel sick after hearing about one, but 168,000. After serving in China, and being a fan of the Jesus Freaks series, I knew there were present-day martyrs. I thought there were may like 100 per year or something. One-hundred sixty-eight thousand people are dying for Christ each year. Oh, and let’s not forget those that survive, but are maimed and tortured for the faith.

I once heard a sermon from Chuck Swindoll on the mountains and valleys of the Christian life. Essentially, he said that if you aren’t in a valley now, you will be.

Why? Because we are enemies of the Enemy.

Paul tells us no to be surprised at our trials, and exhorts us to be glad of suffering because it makes us partners in Christ’s suffering (1 Peter 4:12-13).

Right.

I am guessing some of you are nodding in agreement. After all, this is not a new verse, and you have surely heard it before. But have you ever REALLY suffered for Christ? As for me, I have endured challenges from being obedient to the Lord, but I am not sure I have ever truly suffered. Not that I am asking for it or anything…it just got me thinking: how far would I go to honor God?

What would you do? Don’t just say “anything” and be done- think it through. Would you sell your house and all your belongings to live in a cardboard box? Would you move around the world to a place where nobody knows you, knowing you could never see anyone you love again? Would you accept circumstances that are “boring” and “everyday” without complaint? Would you continue to follow the Lord if you developed a painful disease or suddenly lost all your loved ones? Would you give up your life, like the 168,000 Christian martyrs each year? Let’s make it harder: would you give up your child’s life to honor God?

Would you give up your child’s life to save one person from eternal separation from God? I’m pretty sure I might not. But God would have given His son for just one of us.

I can’t even comprehend that.

How can we lead others to Christ, knowing they will suffer? Of all the cultures we’ve worked with, Americans are the most terrified of suffering. We expect things to be easy: running water, fast food, email, instant text messaging. To suffer by choice is incomprehensible. However, when people have already experienced suffering, they seem more willing to suffer for Christ. To them, it is a small price to pay for eternal life with the Lord.

I have much yet to learn.

You're Gonna Miss This

This morning, before we signed the final copy of our will, the following song came on the radio, and I couldn’t help but cry. I guess preparing to move away from almost everything I have ever known has made me a little emotional. How does it speak to you?

“You’re Gonna Miss This”
Trace Adkins

She was staring out that window, of that SUV
Complaining, saying "I can't wait to turn 18
She said I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules"
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said "I was just like you"


-Chorus-
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a godd look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this


Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her “It's a nice place”
She says “It'll do for now”
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says “Baby, just slow down”

-Chorus-

Five years later there's a plumber workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin', one kid's screamin'
She keeps apologizin'
He says "They don't bother me.
I've got 2 babies of my own.
One's 36, one's 23."
Huh, it's hard to believe, but ...


-Chorus-
Sometimes I feel like all I hear is people rushing to the next thing. They can't wait until the weekend, a vacation, until they find the right person to marry, until they have kids, until they graduate or retire or have more money or lose 10 lbs or the kids aren't in diapers or they buy a bigger house...until they go to Africa...
We are letting life pass us by. Well, at least I have been.

Not to be morbid, but what if we die today? In some cultures, that concern is a reality. Maybe our relative safety has spoiled us to the point we are ungrateful and always wanting more. What if Jesus comes back in 10 minutes? Will he be pleased with the priorities I have, reflected in how I spend my time?

Preparing to move to a place even moderately more risky than home has made me think: if I died today, could I really say I have made the best use of my time? No. I am not afraid of the process of death or my destination, but rather that there is so much work yet to do for the Kingdom.

To be perfectly honest, I am currently in the process of learning to accept God's timing, not just in death, but in life. I am not there yet, in case that wasn't obvious.

Preparing to leave for a year is unlike anything I've ever done. I have never gone more than 3 months without seeing my family. We will be without access (or have limited access) to most of the things we take for granted: Milk in every corner gas station, TV, pure water, cars, Wal- mart, our favorite foods, family, friends, our church families, our pets, malls, telephone calls, banks, our wedding rings...I could go on and on.
I am intimidated. But more than that, I am so excited.

I am excited to watch God work. I am excited to run to Him, to learn from Him, to grow closer to Him. Of course, I know the requirements of spiritual growth, and they don't always excite me, but it comes with the territory.

I am so excited, if fact, that I have been all too eager to leave behind the present. I have not valued the present as I should have.

In the study of Positive Psychology (currently an emerging subfield in Psychology), "savoring" is how we describe one's experience of enjoying or delighting in something. There are typically considered to be 3 types of personalities when it comes to savoring, all temporally related: those who savor the past, those who savor the present, and those who savor the future. Of course, all of us enjoy things in all three of these ways, but most people hava a definite propensity toward one category. Take, for example, a vacation. If you find the most enjoyment while thinking about it, planning for it, and imagining what it might be like, you tend to savor the future. If you enjoy the vacation itself most, with little thought to the present or the past, you savor the present. If you love to reminisce about the vacation once it is done, by talking about it or looking at photos or souvniers, you savor the past.

I am definitely in the first category. Not surprising, especially given my tendency toward worry (ugh- working on that, too). In fact, I used to look to the future so much that I would spend an entire vacation taking pictures and journaling, only to not savor the actual experience. Sick, I know.

This song reminded me of my tendency to disreguard the present. For some reason, I always seem to think there is something more important to be preparing for, and I don't want to disappoint anyone. Something more important...but in whose eyes? It has been Josh's and my prayer that we would be able to minister to our family and friends even as we prepare to leave for Africa there. Obviously, we believe God has called us to something important there, something important to Him. But, if those around us can't see the work of Christ in our lives, haven't we missed an opportunity just as significant? How many times have I been "too busy"? What is so important?! Even now, as we are trying to squeeze in all the packing and visiting and arrangements, NONE of that is more important than an opportunity to serve the Lord.

Even knowing this, I fail. I mean, like, everyday.

I've pondered this phenomenon a great deal, but even what I have discerned as possible causation hasn't change my behavior to speak of. It is motivated by fear- that I won't get it all done (because apparently my to-do list has become my priority in life), that I will be unprepared and disappoint someone, that I will choose the wrong way to spend my time. It happens when I allow my view of life to become so narrow that I make decisions based on what I see right in front of me, rather than how God might see it.

It happens when I don't trust in God's promises- that He loves me, cares for me, wants the best for my life, and is in control.

Yeah, this is a lot to have come from a country song.

American Values

I am a proud American. I am grateful to have been born in a place where I can vote, own land, and worship God anytime I want. I love this country.

But lately, I have realized myself personifying the "American values" I am less inclined to smile about- gluttony, excess, self-centeredness, ingratitude, wastefulness, prideful independence. These are what the rest of the world considers us to be about. These are the values often shown in the media, and sadly, this time they may be right. We may think much of the rest of the world dislikes us because of one or two political decisions, but maybe there's more to it than that...

I am ashamed for what I am about to tell you, but sin can only live in secret, so I am sharing with everyone. The other night I was talking to someone about how I wanted to upgrade a piece of non-essential electrical equipment. Here I am, ready to leave to serve some of the world's poorest people, and I was essentially whining about wanting more.

Mid-sentence, I stopped. The Holy Spirit had completely convicted me, and I asked those around me what I was thinking! (crickets...)

This got me thinking about how often I hear the words "I want" or "I need." It got me thinking about how often I say those words. As we've begun to pack for Namibia, it has been challenging to decide on what we actually need. As we will only take 4 pieces of luggage for a whole year, we are forced to prioritize our "necessary" possessions. Think about it: how many pairs of pants do you need for a year? shirts? pens? cough drops? There are so many things we don't praise the Lord for on a daily basis, because we have easy access to them. For example, if we want to make cookies, we have to bring chocolate chips with us, because they are not available to buy in Africa.

Although most Americans can not imagine living out of 4 bags for a year, we will look gluttonous to some people in Africa. We will be considered rich no matter what we bring. In truth, we would be allowed to bring a total of 6 bags, but we feel it is important to live as closely as possible to those we are working with...it is a small sacrifice, especially knowing it is temporary.

Honestly, I am not even sure I can determine what we actually need to survive. Allegedly, one can live upwards of 40 days without food; however, I don't think this would work well while doing physical labor in Namibia. Since nudity would be frowned upon, how long will one T-shirt survive- 2 months of daily wear? 2 years? What I am sure of is this: our closetful of clothing is not necessary for survival.

I endeavored to count how many times I think "I want" or "I need" in a day; unfortunately, I lost focus. Then, I decided to search the internet for the number of times per day the average person thinks of needs or desires. Isn't it ironic that, on the same internet where we can find information about billions of different subjects, not one description that showed up was applicable. Not even one.

It will be a culture shock to leave the excess of America for the simplicity and lacking in Namibia. But I imagine it will be a far greater challenge to return. In fact, Josh has banned me from touching our storage unit for the first month that we come back, for fear I'll give everything away.

To me, material possessions, status, money, power, achievement, people-pleasing... these are all things that distract me from God. I want to know Him with all of my being; with every breath I take, I want to glorify Him. Instead, I find myself worried with having enough, or getting what I deserve (another post for another day), or what someone thinks of me. I am being brutally honest here, people. That is not glorifying to God.

I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes, and a question:

The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today,
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips,
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.

I don't have the answers, just lots of questions, but I ask you: how do you stay in the world without becoming of the world?