4 Years

A few weeks ago, I had to travel to our hometown to do some photo sessions.  Josh wasn't coming until a few days later, so I was making the 3 hour drive by myself.  For the last year, I have mostly driven in with no music.  I used to listen to the radio, but I am  LOVING the silence.  It gives me time to listen and pray and process.  I am coming to cherish those times.

And, during this particular ride, I was processing this last year.

This past year (summer to summer) has been, perhaps, one of the more stressful of our lives. Not bad necessarily, but stressful.  There hasn't been any major crisis or anything, just tons of change and stress- both good and bad.  That is the main reason I haven't posted much on here- we have had little discretionary time, and we want to use it on relationships and such.  Here's a brief summary of the last 12 months:

***

We have moved- yet again- to a brand new town where we didn't know a soul.

Josh has had 4 jobs and 2 layoffs.  Oh, and the financial strain and job searching and uncertainty that all brings.

We have started a business- and labored and worried and prayed over it.  We LOVE it, but it definitely adds stress to our lives.

We have dealt with a significant, new, long-term health challenge.

We have searched for and found a new church.

I started full-time grad school and practicum.

Some of our loved ones have had VERY tough times, and we have hurt with them and prayed for them through grief, pain, and consequence. 

We have deeply missed many of the relationships we made in Namibia.

God speaks to our hearts and whispers parts of His plan, which left us with uncertainty when they didn't match what we originally thought.

We have no idea where our next move will be when I graduate in May.

And all this is just the stuff that I can repeat on the blog.

In summary, we have been in constant transition.  And honestly, transition just isn't my thing, you know?

At times, it has been overwhelming.

***

While thinking through this all in the car, I started thinking about transition and change and "home."  I have written about being homesick before, and I have realistic expectations about that "home" feeling.  We have now been in our townhome for 10 months, the longest we have lived in any place since we got married, and I have just started to refer to it as "home" instead of "the townhome."  I realized while driving that I have a new definition for home:

Earthly home = wherever Josh is.

Maybe this goes without saying for some people, but it hasn't always for me.  I love my husband more than any other person.  However, "home" has always been solidly defined as a specific place to me.  Those places will always mean a lot.  But this was a new realization for me, and served as a reminder that our relationship is always growing.

Seriously, he is amazing- I've said so before here and here.  And probably a ton of other places, but I really don't want to take the time to link to all of them. 

Our love continues to amaze me.  My love for him grows and grows, even when I think I can't love him any more than I already do.  He loves with grace and forgiveness- not holding grudges and accepting me for who I am.  And the best part of it all is that I know it is coming straight from the love and grace of Christ, because we are, on our own, selfish and unloving human beings.

But Jesus continues to show me His love through Josh. 

I stand in awe of what God has done and what He has brought us through in the 4 years that we have been married.  Yes, 4 years!  That's hard to wrap my mind around!  On one hand, I feel like we've been together forever- we started dating 8 years ago, we know each other better than anyone else, we often know what the other person is thinking before they say it.  On the other hand, we are constantly learning about each other, and I still often get butterflies in my stomach when I see him (especially if it's been a few days).

To My Dearest Joshua,

Happy Anniversary!  I wouldn't want to live my life married to anyone but you.  If you're up for it, I say we shoot for 75 years.  We'd be 96 and 97, so it's doable : )  Thank you for being the man God made you to be, and for loving me so well.  You are my perfect opposite, and best friend.  I never could have known when I met you that you would turn my life upside down- into one that is crazy and dangerous and barbaric (in all the best ways).  I praise God that He is bigger than my plans, and that His will was for us to be together.  I am grateful for your devotion to serving Jesus, and for the intentional way you strive to lead our family.  You are the water to my fire, perfect counterbalance.  As long as it's God's will that we both be on this earth, I'll cherish every moment with you.



I love you, I love you, I love you.

Your Princess *



*Yes, he actually calls me that!

Burden

I always miss Africa and the people there with whom we built relationships.  But some days- or most usually, nights- I miss Africa and her children more acutely.  I am deeply burdened, to the point that I experience it physically.  And I pray for them and think about them and love them, but it still hurts. 

And I want it to.

Not because I'm a masochist or experiencing self-hatred or something, but because I know it's part of God's way of communicating with me.  His children are hurting.  They may be a world away, but they are just as important to Him as any other human being.

He uses this pain to speak to me, to us.  Although we've been back for a while now, Josh and I talk- to God and to each other- about Africa all the time.  And He talks to us.  Not in long, drawn-out epics, but in tiny little snippets that remind us of His plan and His heart, and that remind us of where our plans and hearts need to be.

Following Him, at all cost.

And I beg Him to tell me more RIGHT NOW, because how can He expect me to live with this deep, aching pain in my heart if He won't tell me all the details of what to do about it?

But He has His plan, and His timing, and His way.

 ⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
            declares the LORD.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.
                                             - Isaiah 55:8-9

I thank Him and praise Him for His Word, for sharing these truths with me.  I am so grateful that, even when I don't know, He does.  I don't need to know, because He is all-knowing and loving and trustworthy.  I cling to these verses, as I have since He turned my heart to see Him in the people of Africa. Not only does He care fore me, but He cares for them, too.

Sometimes it hurts more than I think I can bear.  LOVE hurts.  Not in some 80's ballad sort of way, but in a real, sacrificial, Savior-dying-for-my-sins kind of way.  Jesus uses this burden to chip away at the hollow, hardened shell that is my heart, exchanging it for infusions of His.  All I can do is wait and listen and be revived.

That, and find comfort in the fact that God loves these people more than I do.  Even when I love with my whole heart, it pales in comparison.  He is more than enough for them- and me.

It Only Takes a Minute

Please take just one moment to say a prayer for all those who will be away from their families this Christmas. Whether missionaries, in the military, experiencing financial hardship, or whatever, it is always difficult to feel alone. This feeling may be exponentially emphasized during those times when you feel like you need to be with family. I know they will all appreciate it. Thanks!

Potential

As we wrapped up our time in Africa, I looked back over some of my old journal entries and found a few that I would like to share. Today's is from January 24, 2010:
____________________
What is the value of a life lived for oneself? At best, you can impact one life-your own. But a life lived with the purpose of glorifying God by serving and loving others has the potential to change the world.

My Missions Motto

“We are called not to be successful, but to be faithful.” - Mother Theresa

This has been my missions motto. There is so much that I hope and pray for regarding those we work and live with here in Namibia, but He is in control. He is the only one who can make so many things happen. My job is not to fix things or change people, but rather to faithfully do what God asks from me, submitting to His will. It has been such an important reminder of priorities.

Our Boys

Here are some of our boys from Block E. These guys come every Friday afternoon, and many times in between, and we LOVE our time with them. They all come from rough backgrounds, but they are fun, affectionate, and curious. They challenge us each time we meet with them. We eat snacks together, play soccer, read stories, and talk about life (which can be difficult, because of the language barrier).

This is on of the toy cars they make (yes, they MAKE these themselves) from wires and tin cans.

They are adorable kids! Please pray for their futures.

‘Tis the Season, Part II

I am a traditionalist. I like repetition, continuity, knowing what to expect. I won’t have that this year. But the reality is that, even if Namibians celebrated Christmas exactly as we do at home, it wouldn’t be the same. But draw back, look at the big picture. It is not the traditions alone that are special, it is time spent with family and friends that makes the holiday season fun and exciting. Most people stop there, with reminding themselves that Christmas is not about gifts and decorations and parties, and that people are more important. That’s a step in the right direction, just not far enough. Even time spent with loved ones can distract us from the real reason for our celebration.
I know you know the story, but we can never hear it enough. The Son of God humbled Himself to become a part of our world. He was born a tiny baby, precious, helpless, and dependent. He lived life on earth, knew humanity, our struggles, joys, and pain. Jesus Christ became a servant to others. He saw firsthand how sinful and flawed we are, but He still chose to die for us. He chose; nobody forced Him, He did it out of love greater than we can imagine. He took our punishment, in order that we might be saved from our consequences and be able to have an eternal relationship with Him. He would have done it for any one of us.

It all started with a baby, born on this day.

If someone who didn’t know what Christmas was looked at your life during the holidays- how you spend your time, what you say, your behavior- what would they see? I am ashamed to say that I am usually stressed about buying the right gifts and fitting the celebrations into our schedule and food and decorations… I could go on. I get so caught up in celebrating Christ’s birth that I forget I am to reflect Him.
Being away from home for the holidays is so hard. I miss my family and friends more, and I know they miss us. It is not lost on us that we are blessed to be able to say that; many people can’t. But, being away from everything we are accustomed to has challenged me (Josh, too, but I won’t speak for him here). I want to celebrate Jesus without being distracted by things that really aren’t important. I want to be a light, to reflect Him to others. I want to laugh and cry with joy and praise for a Creator that loves me so much that He saved me from my sins. On Christmas, our Savior was born, and that’s more than enough to celebrate.

Love Like Crazy

We were asked to do a video for one of our supporting churches, and in order to get the most mileage out of the effort, we thought we could share it right here.

My Beloved

As of today, I am married to an older man.

Today is Josh's birthday; for those of you who don't know him, I hope you have a chance to meet him someday. For those of you who do know him...well, you lucky ducks :-)

"My beloved...is chief among 10,000. This is my beloved, and this is my friend." -Song of Songs 5:10

Everyday spent with Josh is an adventure. He inspires me to be a better person, and he is more committed to glorifying God than anyone I know. He is a giant among men.

Even though we, like everyone, have experienced challenges, God has blessed me through Josh every day I have known him. I don't know how long God has ordained for us to be together this side of Heaven, but I plan on cherishing every moment.


Joshua, I pray that this will be the best year so far in your young life, filled with joy, adventure, love, laughter, peace, and continued growth in Christ.

To my Knight in Shining Armour, Happy Birthday.

"Like an apple tree among the trees of the woods, so is my beloved among the sons."- Song of Songs 2:3

Irresistible Revolution

Josh and I have had a tremendous talking to and learning from our country director and his wife (this week, we are doing orientation). They are firm in their opinions, and love Jesus with all their hearts. They are not just nominal Christians, but followers of Christ. It has been a privilege listening to what God has shown them.

I have begun reading a book I borrowed from them this week, The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical, by Shane Claiborne. Although I agree with only about 60-70% of what he says, I wholeheartedly recommend it. He has the most important stuff right. Even when you don’t agree with the author, this book will challenge you to examine your beliefs, and how you live them out. It doesn’t hurt that he has an entertaining writing style, and lots of fun anecdotes.

Here’s what the book has reminded me of: I want to be radical. I want to genuinely love the people no one else wants to love, not just in Africa, but at home, too. One person at a time. And I mean REALLY love them, not the I-don’t-hate-you-so-that-means-I-love-you fallacy that has invaded the Church. I want to be a friend to them, to share my life with them and theirs with me. I want to give generously because it is my heart’s desire, and not just an obligation. How many coats do you need anyway? (see Matthew 5:40)

“Love without courage and wisdom is sentimentality, as with the ordinary church
member. Courage without love and wisdom is foolhardiness, as with the ordinary
soldier. Wisdom without love and courage is cowardice, as with the ordinary
intellectual. But the one who has love, courage, and wisdom moves the world.”
-Ammon Hennacy

The term “christian” has lost its flavor (Matthew 5:14-16). I want to be a radical follower of Christ. Semantics? Maybe. But for those who are serious, the world needs to be prepared for a change.

To be continued…

American Values

I am a proud American. I am grateful to have been born in a place where I can vote, own land, and worship God anytime I want. I love this country.

But lately, I have realized myself personifying the "American values" I am less inclined to smile about- gluttony, excess, self-centeredness, ingratitude, wastefulness, prideful independence. These are what the rest of the world considers us to be about. These are the values often shown in the media, and sadly, this time they may be right. We may think much of the rest of the world dislikes us because of one or two political decisions, but maybe there's more to it than that...

I am ashamed for what I am about to tell you, but sin can only live in secret, so I am sharing with everyone. The other night I was talking to someone about how I wanted to upgrade a piece of non-essential electrical equipment. Here I am, ready to leave to serve some of the world's poorest people, and I was essentially whining about wanting more.

Mid-sentence, I stopped. The Holy Spirit had completely convicted me, and I asked those around me what I was thinking! (crickets...)

This got me thinking about how often I hear the words "I want" or "I need." It got me thinking about how often I say those words. As we've begun to pack for Namibia, it has been challenging to decide on what we actually need. As we will only take 4 pieces of luggage for a whole year, we are forced to prioritize our "necessary" possessions. Think about it: how many pairs of pants do you need for a year? shirts? pens? cough drops? There are so many things we don't praise the Lord for on a daily basis, because we have easy access to them. For example, if we want to make cookies, we have to bring chocolate chips with us, because they are not available to buy in Africa.

Although most Americans can not imagine living out of 4 bags for a year, we will look gluttonous to some people in Africa. We will be considered rich no matter what we bring. In truth, we would be allowed to bring a total of 6 bags, but we feel it is important to live as closely as possible to those we are working with...it is a small sacrifice, especially knowing it is temporary.

Honestly, I am not even sure I can determine what we actually need to survive. Allegedly, one can live upwards of 40 days without food; however, I don't think this would work well while doing physical labor in Namibia. Since nudity would be frowned upon, how long will one T-shirt survive- 2 months of daily wear? 2 years? What I am sure of is this: our closetful of clothing is not necessary for survival.

I endeavored to count how many times I think "I want" or "I need" in a day; unfortunately, I lost focus. Then, I decided to search the internet for the number of times per day the average person thinks of needs or desires. Isn't it ironic that, on the same internet where we can find information about billions of different subjects, not one description that showed up was applicable. Not even one.

It will be a culture shock to leave the excess of America for the simplicity and lacking in Namibia. But I imagine it will be a far greater challenge to return. In fact, Josh has banned me from touching our storage unit for the first month that we come back, for fear I'll give everything away.

To me, material possessions, status, money, power, achievement, people-pleasing... these are all things that distract me from God. I want to know Him with all of my being; with every breath I take, I want to glorify Him. Instead, I find myself worried with having enough, or getting what I deserve (another post for another day), or what someone thinks of me. I am being brutally honest here, people. That is not glorifying to God.

I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes, and a question:

The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today,
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips,
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.

I don't have the answers, just lots of questions, but I ask you: how do you stay in the world without becoming of the world?

What is Love?

The following is an excerpt from recent journaling. If you have any thoughts, please share them. I want to become more like Christ, so I must at least endeavor to understand His prominent characteristics.

In Greek, there are four different words for love- "eros" (passionate/ romantic love), "storge" (familial love), "phileo" (brotherly love that often presents in the form of community), and "agape" (unconditional love). However, in the English language, the only word for love is... well, love. Of course, we attach all sorts of adjectives to it to delineate different types, but maybe having one word as a catch-all term is confusing us.

If you asked 100 people what "love" means, I would predict you would get at least 25 different answers. What would you say?

Although "feeling" love is really a very small part of the entirety of love, I believe we have gotten to a point in which people only associate love with feeling. If they don't have butterflies in their stomachs every time they think of their significant other, it is time to end the relationship. Maybe someone decided to term all forms of "warm fuzziness" love; no wonder it can be confusing.

Maybe the thread that ties all of these forms of love together is choice. I can choose to love and care about someone even when I don't like them. Maybe the Hebrew language gives us a hint; "ahava" has a root word "give." Not in terms of words, gifts, or service (necessarily), but rather of oneself in a sacrificial manner. We choose to care for them in spite of how they hurt us, even if they have mistreated us to the point we can't be around them anymore. We want the best for them.

Easy enough, right? Right.

Our greatest example of love is love personified in Jesus Christ. But His love doesn't fit into a little neat category. How do we emulate it if we can't comprehend it? His love included fellowship, emotion, sacrifice, discipline, accountability...we have descriptions of His love, but studying only them seems akin to getting to know a person through his or her friends.

I want to dig in, to analyze this (go figure), to understand it.

But I am looking at it the wrong way.

If God is Love, this explains my soul-burdening desire to know God's heart.

Falling in Love All Over Again

A while back, as I was doing my devotional, the book I was reading was talking about the character of Christ, and how we should reflect it better as we come to know Him more. I was expecting to read something about being committed and willing to sacrifice, and exhibiting Fruit of the Spirit. Specifically, we should “become a progressively more joyful, loving, and winsome person.” I completely agree with the first two, but winsome? Hmm. I wanted to know exactly what the authors meant by that term, so I looked it up. Synonyms include charming, pleasant, likeable, attractive, engaging, endearing, and appealing. Our relationship with Christ cannot be akin to the friendship with our childhood best pal. We seem to forget He is God. I found the following online, and decided I couldn’t say it any better:

“…we’ve tried to present Jesus as someone people should like, someone who is
“relevant” and fun and always good to have at parties. But mostly this “new
Jesus” ends up looking about as interesting as the store manager down at
Office Depot. He’s friendly, tame, middle class and safe!

No, you can’t re-imagine Jesus! You can’t turn him into the ‘nice guy’ down
the street. You have to take him for Who He really is – as He’s revealed
Himself in Scripture. And there you find that he’s rarely “safe”. As Mr
Beaver says to Lucy in C S Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia (the book, not the
movie!) ”He’s not a tame lion!” Nor is He “safe.”

In that same passage from the book, Lucy asks Mr Beaver if Aslan, the Lion representing Christ, is “safe”. To which he responds, "Safe? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

If I recall correctly, Jesus was not most concerned with people liking Him. In fact, he was rejected by many, if not most. He was bold, wouldn’t support sin, and offended people in the process. But he also had a spirit of ready forgiveness when people repented. He cast out evil spirits. He was and is mighty and loving and confident and kind and He works miracles with no strain at all. He secured His own death by refusing to acquiesce to Jerusalem or Rome. It doesn’t seem to me that His priority was to be winsome at all.

This week has been a time of refocusing, and I am so grateful the Lord called us to it. Time is important in missions, but not more important than keeping our eyes on God. I have fallen in love with Him all over again, not just as my Savior, but as the one who knows everything about me, even the less-than-winsome parts, and loves and adores me anyway. I can't think of a better way to prepare for our time on the mission field.

Minnesota Autumn

Oh, it's been a while. I feel like cataloging the events of this Fall through pictures for more pictures, visit our smugmug site):

In mid- October, we went with Princess, my sister, and the 3 Lovewell kids to an apple orchard in Eastern Minnesota. We had so much fun, and all the kids were precious and well-behaved (yay!)

The next weekend, we took a trip to Duluth for a foster care conference. Nicole's brother Trouper was awarded MN Foster/Adoptive Kid of the Year. During the day, while Nicole's parents were in sessions, we visited Amnicon Falls State Park in Superior, WS, an absolutely gorgeous park with lots to see in a small radius, so it is perfect for kids.

At the end of the month, one of our churches (Calvary Baptist Church) held its annual Fall Fun Fest on Halloween. We had a great turnout and tons of fun with all the families that participated.

Happy Birthday

My husband missed my birthday (gasp!) Before you nominate him for the Worst Husband of the Year Award, let me explain- I encouraged him to. He was on an annual camping trip with 8 other guys (probably not helping him much yet...). I think all-guy time is important for men. They can talk freely about bodily functions, sports, life, manhood, fish, God, and get all the masculine behavior society has wrested from them out of their systems. I'm guessing there is also a lot of "bonding" that goes on just by being silent. He comes back refreshed, rejuvenated, and missing me more than ever (absence really does make the heart grow fonder).

But that's not the point. To make up for missing my birthday, he went above and beyond, and I just wanted to brag about him in public. He took me to a hotel (our room had a jacuzzi- bonus point for him) and out to eat. The fact that we are currently addicted to the Olympics (and chose to watch it for an hour) should in no way denigrate the thought and effort Josh put in to planning this celebration. While many husbands in this same situation would have said something akin to "Happy birthday, honey- have a cupcake," Josh went out of his way to make me feel special and important (just to reiterate- he's taken).

"Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men."

- Song of Solomon 2:3

Josh, here's to you. I am so blessed to share my life with you. Every time God's creation leaves me in awe, I want to share it with you. Just thinking about you now makes me smile. You are everything I'm not, and together we are so much stronger than we are as individuals. Even in difficult times, I am humbled and grateful that He has chosen to bring us together. I love you.