Complaining and Bragging At the Same Time

I read this article in the middle of the night last night.  Even in the midst of my bleary-eyed fog, it made perfect sense.  If you are are reading this, it will probably make sense to you, too.

"If you live in America in the 21st century you’ve probably had to listen to a lot of people tell you how busy they are. It’s become the default response when you ask anyone how they’re doing: “Busy!” “So busy.” “Crazy busy.” It is, pretty obviously, a boast disguised as a complaint."

This phenomena has annoyed me for a long time.  How should one respond to the complaint of busyness, especially when stated negatively and not cheerfully?  So many times, it's as if people want sympathy for the consequences of their own choices:

"It’s almost always people whose lamented busyness is purely self-imposed: work and obligations they’ve taken on voluntarily, classes and activities they’ve “encouraged” their kids to participate in. They’re busy because of their own ambition or drive or anxiety, because they’re addicted to busyness and dread what they might have to face in its absence."

How does one respond to "well, I've overscheduled myself and I don't like it and now I am going to complain to you and please make me feel better?"  I don't know.  Don't get me wrong- this is not me simply pointing out the flaws of others, this is me admitting my own.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have been doing.  My mom talks about me sitting at the kitchen table and doing my "projects" (leftover Sunday school materials from my Grandma) at two years old.  It has been a lifelong habit, maybe even an obsession.  But it flies in the face of Scripture.  A verse that I have been meditating on a lot lately is:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." - Matthew 11:28-29

I am not sure what Jesus' yoke looks like, but I know I want it.  And the days of working 16 hours straight and not eating a real meal or going to the gym or leaving my house or even knowing what time it is, of just 5 minutes of undivided attention for my husband when he gets home, of stress and frustration and being burned out; well, I just don't think that's God's way.

 "The present hysteria is not a necessary or inevitable condition of life; it’s something we’ve chosen, if only by our acquiescence to it."

This quote reminds me: It is a CHOICE.  As Josh and I are in a time of transition and making lot's of changes anyway, why not throw one more in the mix?  I am 26 right now, and I have wasted too many years being "busy."  I would rather be purposeful, obedient, and peaceful.  That's easy to say, but challenging to do, especially in a culture that often equates rest with laziness and busyness with success.  But I don't want to follow the world, I want to follow Jesus.  I am jumping off the train of insanity, and I am hoping to take others with me.  Wanna come?

4 Years

A few weeks ago, I had to travel to our hometown to do some photo sessions.  Josh wasn't coming until a few days later, so I was making the 3 hour drive by myself.  For the last year, I have mostly driven in with no music.  I used to listen to the radio, but I am  LOVING the silence.  It gives me time to listen and pray and process.  I am coming to cherish those times.

And, during this particular ride, I was processing this last year.

This past year (summer to summer) has been, perhaps, one of the more stressful of our lives. Not bad necessarily, but stressful.  There hasn't been any major crisis or anything, just tons of change and stress- both good and bad.  That is the main reason I haven't posted much on here- we have had little discretionary time, and we want to use it on relationships and such.  Here's a brief summary of the last 12 months:

***

We have moved- yet again- to a brand new town where we didn't know a soul.

Josh has had 4 jobs and 2 layoffs.  Oh, and the financial strain and job searching and uncertainty that all brings.

We have started a business- and labored and worried and prayed over it.  We LOVE it, but it definitely adds stress to our lives.

We have dealt with a significant, new, long-term health challenge.

We have searched for and found a new church.

I started full-time grad school and practicum.

Some of our loved ones have had VERY tough times, and we have hurt with them and prayed for them through grief, pain, and consequence. 

We have deeply missed many of the relationships we made in Namibia.

God speaks to our hearts and whispers parts of His plan, which left us with uncertainty when they didn't match what we originally thought.

We have no idea where our next move will be when I graduate in May.

And all this is just the stuff that I can repeat on the blog.

In summary, we have been in constant transition.  And honestly, transition just isn't my thing, you know?

At times, it has been overwhelming.

***

While thinking through this all in the car, I started thinking about transition and change and "home."  I have written about being homesick before, and I have realistic expectations about that "home" feeling.  We have now been in our townhome for 10 months, the longest we have lived in any place since we got married, and I have just started to refer to it as "home" instead of "the townhome."  I realized while driving that I have a new definition for home:

Earthly home = wherever Josh is.

Maybe this goes without saying for some people, but it hasn't always for me.  I love my husband more than any other person.  However, "home" has always been solidly defined as a specific place to me.  Those places will always mean a lot.  But this was a new realization for me, and served as a reminder that our relationship is always growing.

Seriously, he is amazing- I've said so before here and here.  And probably a ton of other places, but I really don't want to take the time to link to all of them. 

Our love continues to amaze me.  My love for him grows and grows, even when I think I can't love him any more than I already do.  He loves with grace and forgiveness- not holding grudges and accepting me for who I am.  And the best part of it all is that I know it is coming straight from the love and grace of Christ, because we are, on our own, selfish and unloving human beings.

But Jesus continues to show me His love through Josh. 

I stand in awe of what God has done and what He has brought us through in the 4 years that we have been married.  Yes, 4 years!  That's hard to wrap my mind around!  On one hand, I feel like we've been together forever- we started dating 8 years ago, we know each other better than anyone else, we often know what the other person is thinking before they say it.  On the other hand, we are constantly learning about each other, and I still often get butterflies in my stomach when I see him (especially if it's been a few days).

To My Dearest Joshua,

Happy Anniversary!  I wouldn't want to live my life married to anyone but you.  If you're up for it, I say we shoot for 75 years.  We'd be 96 and 97, so it's doable : )  Thank you for being the man God made you to be, and for loving me so well.  You are my perfect opposite, and best friend.  I never could have known when I met you that you would turn my life upside down- into one that is crazy and dangerous and barbaric (in all the best ways).  I praise God that He is bigger than my plans, and that His will was for us to be together.  I am grateful for your devotion to serving Jesus, and for the intentional way you strive to lead our family.  You are the water to my fire, perfect counterbalance.  As long as it's God's will that we both be on this earth, I'll cherish every moment with you.



I love you, I love you, I love you.

Your Princess *



*Yes, he actually calls me that!

Short-Term Missions Trips

I just wanted to share a quick link with you- seriously, it will take like 5 minutes to read it. To be honest, I am afraid to even broach the subject, like I am afraid to discuss many. Our time in Namibia turned many of our preconceptions on our head. About giving. About serving. About Love. About evangelism. Most importantly, about God.

Up until this point, our lives since we got home have been about surviving, enduring transition, and clinging to Jesus as we re-integrate to this now-somewhat-foreign culture that used to feel like home. It doesn't anymore. Nowhere does completely (for more, check out this past post). And we are okay with that. It has been a really intense time, in so many ways, and we've sometimes struggled with being real and honest, when everyone wants a happy face and a positive report.

The most often-asked question we receive is [often with a wistful sigh] "Wasn't it amazing?" followed by close second in "I can't imagine the fun you had!"

I nod politely and mumble something about us being at peace that was where God wanted us at the time, but inside I am screaming:

"NO! Are you crazy? It was not fun! How can you think I could enjoy seeing people suffer from disease, death, poverty, hunger, abuse, spiritual lies, and things I could never even write here because most hearts can't handle it?????"

Yes, it was amazing- but not in the way they think. I think the best word to describe it is "satisfying."

My heart is forever broken by the things we experienced. Not that it's not joyful about so many triumphs, but my blissful ignorance was shattered. I have seen a greater hurt, one that only Jesus can heal- but don't read that too quickly. The important part is that Jesus CAN heal.

There is so much I want to say, and so much I need to process. Things that aren't necessarily fun or pretty or peaceful. Please take it all with a grain of salt.

He didn't teach us those hard lessons only for us to keep it to ourselves. If there is one thing we have discovered about our first time out, it's that he was laying foundation.

And that is truly the hardest, and most important part of building anything. I feel it. The weight and responsibility of it. The necessity of not forgetting. Needing to not waste even one moment. Just when I think I can't handle one more tiny bit of stress or change, it has come.
But He has been faithful, so faithful. More than I can ever articulate.

I know He has a brilliant and beautiful plan, one I can't fully see, yet. He is worthy of my trust.

I guess this post didn't exactly go as planned, but that's okay. It's pretty much analogous to life, huh? There will be more on short-term mission trips, and so much else. Please allow me to share with you on this journey.

An Update:

It’s been a long time since I gave a general update, and as usual so much has happened.

After we got back in April, we spent a month living with my parents so we would have the opportunity to rest up and ease back into American culture. This time was invaluable; not only were we able to spend a lot of time with them and with God, but we were able to take a few weeks off before going back to work.

We were able to give presentations to several classes in the schools around our hometown, which was an absolute privilege. It’s pretty unusual for people in our area to live across the world, so it was fun to be able to encourage them to think big and realize their full potential. They were so attentive to or stories and pictures of the kids we had worked with. We tried to get them to realize that they could have been born in Namibia in those same situations. Empathy can’t be taught, but compassion can be encouraged. Of course, given the fact the schools were public, we could share very little in terms of the Gospel, but we were able to answer a few insightful questions regarding our philosophy of missions. It was an absolute privilege.

Over the summer we lived in a wonderful, furnished home owned by a sweet couple in our hometown. They have a cabin up north that they stay at during the summer, so staying at their house was the perfect situation for us because we were able to rent it without having to sign a long lease while knowing we’ be moving for graduate school in September.

Josh got a job working at a trucking and manufacturing company he worked for in college, and continued to look for employment in his field. He was eventually hired on by a company that builds and maintains cell phone towers, and is really enjoying it. He is able to do work that counts towards his journeyman’s license, and will hopefully be able to get that within the next year.

I started my own photography company, and have been staying busy with that. I am learning so much, have had a great response so far, and a ton of fun. I am getting ready to push to a new level soon, with some promotions and advertising coming up. I am excited to see how God uses this.

We taught VBS, and were able to give a presentation to the kids. Two years ago, the VBS mission offering went to us, and last year we used that money for a VBS for our kids in Africa, as well as for the youth program. We thought it was important to show the kids that, when you donate money to missionaries, it really does go toward important things. Sometimes I think kids just think the offering money disappears, but we showed them pictures to prove otherwise! : ) We are hoping to do more presentations at our supporting churches this winter, so that we have time to let everything sink in, pray about what God wants us to share, and put together a presentation. We don’t want to waste this opportunity to show others about God’s love for all of His people. If you would like us to speak at your church, please leave a comment or email me.

We were able to buy a car a couple of weeks ago, which was a huge blessing filling an absolute need. It’s not anything beautiful, but it does the job. We only had one car between the two of us, as Josh’s had died just weeks before we left for Africa, and we needed one so he would be able to drive back and forth to work (he commutes an hour each way on average) and I could drive to school. It was a much-appreciate answer to lots of prayer, and a reminder of Gods provision.

Other than that, we have been spending lots of time with friends and family. It has been at times challenging, at times wonderful, but always exciting being able to become reacquainted with one another. We were able to have dinner with each side of our family almost once per week since coming home, and have spent almost every Friday night with a few of our best friend from… well, forever. We have been so mightily blessed.

We continue to pray about our future in missions, and would appreciate your prayers for clarity regarding Gods will.

The Next Step

Last week, I started graduate school. I am not even sure what to think as I move into this next phase of life and my academic career. To begin with, we’re still adjusting to life back in the United States. I know some of you are probably like, “geez, it’s been 5 months already (I can’t believe it’s already been that long!), but it’s a blink of an eye considering the adjustment we are trying to make. We lived in what seemed like an entirely different world. We had our hearts broken in ways most can only imagine, if even that. It’s a struggle to adjust, and something that will take time.

Additionally, it’s sometimes difficult to give this season of our lives full attention and presence. In some ways, even this next phase seems like a transition period. People are constantly asking us when we are going “back,” as if our return is a given, even thought that was never part of the plan (although it could be now). Even once we decided to go on the mission field, we thought it would only be for 6 months or so. On the one hand, it is comforting, as people obviously see something in us that would encourage them to think we would be a good fit for serving God in this capacity. It’s humbling and reassuring and a quiet confirmation of where we think God may be leaving us. At the same time, it can be frustrating to deal with people’s somewhat demanding expectations, and makes it difficult to be present and focused on where God has put us right now. I don’t believe God wastes time. He is always teaching us and using us. It is just a new challenge for me to be focusing on here and now, even while knowing what is [possibly] next (you never really know- He may just not have revealed His whole plan about that yet!).

I never expected to attend graduate school. I always wanted to go to medical school, and there are times even now when I question my decision to take another path. Since then, I have decided to go to graduate school, applied to one type of program, decided to go to Africa instead, worked in the field, decide on a different type of program, applied, was offered a great deal of money and prestige in a terrific program, and instead turned them down and decided to accept a different program’s offer, which to the average person would seem significantly less enticing.

Rereading that last sentence, it basically sound like I just can’t make up my mind! As someone who loves order and routine and repetition (not that you’d know it from my life as of late), this constant change in direction has been a bit of a challenge. However, I don’t think it means I am crazy or indecisive or unfocused; rather, I think of it as an example of God’s wisdom. I believe He knew (and knows) precisely where He wants me to be, but He also knew I couldn’t take the change in direction all in one step. I am certain there will be many more similar instances of change and growth in my life, but I find it so comforting to be the child of a gracious God who knows my limits. So many times lately, they have been and are being pushed to their borders. I am so glad to now He is loving an merciful enough to accommodate my weakness with His love and grace, even while helping me to overcome them.

On the Move

I remember the first time I moved, about 7 years ago. I had lived in the same house since birth, and for me the place completely embodied “home.” In fact, the attachment runs so deep that there are parts of “family” and “home” and “security” that are so strongly linked to that place that they are almost inseparable. I imagined I might move to college, then move back to the area of my youth and call it good.

Instead, last week marked my 21st move. In order that you might understand the gravity of the situation, you should know that I am a complete homebody. I stayed home most nights during high school- because I thought it was fun. I regularly came home during college, sometimes even in the middle of the week. Even though I’ve traveled all over the world, there is no sight more beautiful to me than that of the road leading to my childhood home. So, to move 21 times has been a matter of obedience and circumstance, rather than choice.

However, although I still despise the mess moving makes and the pervasive feeling of being “in transition,” I was surprised to noticed how I’ve grown in relation to moving. The first time I moved away from home, there were lots of tears, fear, and a good-bye dinner with family and friends. At this point, we just pack up and go, and expect that email and Facebook will fill the gap with loved ones until the next time we can see them. Somewhat necessarily, most emotion has been forced out of the equation. I mean, honestly, can you imagine if I broke down every one of these times? I’d accomplish nothing!

As a student of psychology, perhaps what intrigues me the most is the function that the attachment/detachment cycle of moving can play in our lives. After all these moves (and while knowing there will be more in the foreseeable future), and am both surprised and comforted by that fact that our connection to our roots seems to grow stronger. It’s as if, instead of breaking them or cutting them off, they’ve just been shaken loose, allowing us to go and grow in the direction that God wants. They’ve responded to these challenges by becoming stronger, and I guess you could say we have to. Don’t get me wrong, moving is something that is still extremely difficult to me, and certainly doesn’t come naturally. I am looking forward to settling in for awhile, even though I don’t expect (or even want)it to be forever. However, I am so grateful God is slowly (and repeatedly!) releasing me from fear of moving, and is allowing me to better be able to trust His will for our lives, no matter where it takes us. I truly want to do His will, and don’t really see any point to staying somewhere where there is no use for me. I am excited to see what He has in store for us in our new location. Besides, if all else fails, there’s still Facebook ; )

Blog Philosophy

I have been thinking a lot lately about blogging, writing posts, who blogs, why blog, my philosophy of blogging, etc. If you follow this blog at all, you’ll know I am certainly not that consistent about it, let alone someone who is dedicated enough to post every day. I have been away from blogging much this summer, for so many reasons.

At the top of the list would be time. Josh and I have had an extremely busy summer- we’ve moved twice, been trying to reconnect with family and friends, I had mono, he started a new job, and then switched to a different job that was a better fit for him, I started and am running a full-time businesses (which has lately taken up most of my blogging energies), I start grad school this fall, we are trying to simplify our possessions and way of life (which, unfortunately, doesn’t seem to happen overnight), not to mention the fact we’ve been readjusting to our own home culture.

The other biggest factor in my blogging hiatus is probably lack of direction. I am just not sure what the point of this blog is anymore. Although I know I have so much more to tell you, both about Africa and about life and what God is teaching me, there has been so much going on that I am not sure what to share. In all reality, there have been many things I have wanted to share- about transition back to our own culture, about leaving our second home in Namibia, about what God has taught us about love and missions and service and ministry, about the way people responded to us when they saw us for the first time after getting home or things they said- that just aren’t appropriate because some people are not a a position to be able to understand certain things, and we don’t want to hurt any feelings. We recognized we have gained a different perspective than some, which we firmly believe is from God, but we don’t want to cause any divisiveness in the Body of Christ.

So, consider this a warning: this blog is not limited to Africa. Don’t be surprised to read about moving one day, a pet peeve the next, a fun event in our lives the next, pictures and a story from our time in Africa the next, a spiritual revelation the next… you get the idea. I know there are tons of people out there who write incredible blogs that are dedicated to certain subjects. It looks like that need is taken care of, so check back here if you want some random doses of everyday real life. I do not consider myself to be a blogger, but rather someone who writes just to share with you and get some of my thoughts out of my head. I enjoy it. I need the release. It’s really okay if nobody reads it, because I can’t be in this to please others. I can’t tell you what it will be about, because I just don’t know what my own life will look like in a week, a month, a year. I guess we’re both in for a surprise.

1000 Words Photography by Nicole Wilke

I have had several people tell me they didn't know I had a photography blog, but I totally do. I have been doing photography professionally since we got home, and it has been a huge blessing in my life. I want to tell you a little more about how it came about, but first let me connect to you the relevant information. You can visit my photography blog here. If you would like to subscribe via email, which means you will receive an email message each time I publish a new post of pictures, you can just scroll down to the very bottom of the page and enter your email address into the box there. Then hit subscribe, and you should be good!

As I say in the intro to the blog, professional photography was never one of my goals. It's a passion that just happened into my life, and I am so thrilled it did. It's another one of those situations where God's plans were so different (and better) than mine. While I was praying about how I would pay for graduate school, I spent a lot of time meditating and just listening for God. I eventually felt Him say that wedding photography would be the way He would cover the cost. I was shocked!!! Although I had worked in a photo studio in high school, that had been the full extent of my professional experience. Josh and I prayed about it and both felt God was confirming this, so I decided to pursue it.

Due to the fact we were living in Africa for the time, my start in wedding photography was a little unorthodox, to say the least. After much prayer, we decided the best way for me to gain experience would be to volunteer to do photo shoots for people in our community (in all of my extra free time- ha!). Babies, seniors, weddings, etc.- they were easy to come by, because photographers are few and far between in less westernized areas. People were so eager to have their picture taken. For some, it will possibly be the only time they will ever be photographed.

From those shoots I gained experience with all the fundamentals, and more importantly in working with people from behind a camera. Most people don't feel at home in front of the lens, and it is my job to connect with them, and help them to relax. It is my job to help them be themselves, so that I might capture their spirit on film. For your viewing pleasure, I have included a few examples of my recent work. Check out my blog for more!

I love people and relationships, love and family. I love being able to freeze time for an instant, and to immortalize a memory on film. I love what I am doing, and am exciting to see how God uses it. If your interested, you should check out the blog, and join me on this journey of discovery.

Grief in Change

I have no doubt that the end result of the simplification process will be lovely. Freeing. Peaceful. Beautiful. Organized. Totally worth it.


But with everything I decided to sell, give away, or trash, there is a little bit of me that grieves. To varying degrees, of course. The half-used green eyeliner from 4 years ago doesn't grip me with the same sentimentality as the books I once loved in 6th grade (yes, I am actually getting rid of books- a first for me). Nonetheless, it's an exhausting process.


Take, for example, my formal dresses. After Proms and President's Balls and weddings, I have about 8. The logical side of my thinking clearly sees that 8 formal dresses are not a necessity. But still, each one carries a memory with it, and the process of deciding what to keep and what to get rid of has taken much thought, time, and consideration. (For those of you thinking, "Geez, they're just cloth!", you have either never been a pack rat, or are a man. This post may not be for you.)


Stage 1: Denial
I don't really need to get rid of these. After all, I am getting rid of meaningless junk. These have memories attached. They are not meaningless. And they have taffeta. And glitter. You know how I love sparkle!!!

Stage 2: Anger
Why me? Why do I have to get rid of my beautiful things? Everyone around me gets to keep their stuff. Why do I have to be different? Why did God ask us to do things differently? [mental kicking and screaming ensue]


Stage 3: Bargaining
Maybe if I get rid of more other stuff, I can keep these. Maybe getting rid of just one will be enough. I suppose if I get rid of something than need it, I can just buy more...maybe. Besides,
what does God really mean by "need?" It's probably open to interpretation.


Stage 4: Depression
I guess I don't really have a choice. We'll probably end up with not enough stuff, destitute. My daughters will never be able to wear them *sniff*

Stage 5: Acceptance

Not having 8 prom dresses is probably okay. It will even give me more closet space! I do not want to have more than I need. I would rather spend time with friends and family than cleaning.

Let's just say I am so glad we are getting this under control before we have kids. That will be a whole new challenge in reigning in the sentimentality.

An Update:

I am a terrible person...well, at least I am a terrible blogger. I have hardly written anything since we got home going on 2 months ago. To be sure, we have been SUPER busy and had a ton to adjust to. I remember hearing someone complain about how stressful a [minor] situation was in her life and thinking, i am moving for the second time this month, helping my husband search for a job, interviewing at my new graduate school, launching a business, and adjusting to culture shock to my own culture- and that's all just this week!!! Part of me wanted to shake her by the shoulders and tell her to get a grip. Thankfully, the more rational side of me won out, and I was reminded that everyone is in a different place, and we are called to meet people where they are at. It has been a common challenge.

I am not done with blogging simply because we are back in the U.S. I have dozens, if not hundreds, more stories and pictures to share with you- of ministry, spiritual epiphanies, travel adventures, struggles, and new endeavors. Our life has continued to be eventful. There are fleeting moments when I wish for less stress, but then I realize I wouldn't be able to handle the boredom that inevitably accompanies a stress-free life. I am grateful for what God has given us.

I have missed writing and sharing with you, if for no other reason than it has given me a concrete way to process my experiences, emotions, and ideas. I have missed putting what's inside of me into words, and freeing myself from the duty of keeping it hidden. I will do more of that, but not for a short while. In the first few weeks, it took all of my energy just to adjust to jet lag, see loved ones, and answer the all-to-common question "How was Africa?" It took and takes all of my willpower not to respond with, "Well, how was your last year in a few appropriately brief phrases?" I know people mean well, but it is not exactly a well-thought-out question. But I digress...after the first few weeks, I continued to feel exhausted and under the weather, which I attributed to allergies. After all, we are around allergens we haven't been exposed to in almost 2 years (having left at the end of winter and all).

But as I found out Sunday, it turns out that I have mono. When I think about it, it makes so much sense. It's just that I didn't think of it. The fact that I have an autoimmune disorder that presents almost exactly like mono doesn't help either, but I am happy to know it is something that will eventually go away, and that I am not just incapacitatingly allergic to my beloved Minnesota. With all this in mind, it may be a week or two before you hear from me again, but hear from me you will. We have a lot of catching up to do.

Attitude is Nine-Tenths of the Law

As we wrapped up our time in Africa, I looked back over some of my old journal entries and found a few that I would like to share. Today's is from February 23, 2010:
________________________

We are trying to straddle so many areas of life at once right now. We are trying to wrap up ministry and leave relationships in a good place. We are planning our overland trip. We are packing. We are trying to take care of grad school and housing and jobs for home. At times I feel like my head is just spinning.

Through all this change, Lord, help me to focus on you, and to know that everything here on earth is temporary.

“Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.
Remind me that my days are numbered-how fleeting my life is.
You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand.
My entire lifetime is just a moment to you;
At best, each of us is but a breath.”
-Psalm 39: 4-5

Today in “Streams in the Desert,” it says

“Every difficulty and every temptation that comes our way, if we receive it correctly, is God'sopportunity.”

That's a thought-provoking idea, and one that should liberated us from fear of difficulty and temptation. But, the clear stipulation is that you have to receive it in the right way. I am not sure exactly what that means, but it sounds like it has a lot to do with attitude. I pray I can grow to have a learning attitude towards trials and challenges, because they are always going to be a part of life.

This Is No Sacrifice

We are home in the States, safe and sound.

Even though I have quotes set to continue to load every day for the near future, I felt a pull to post today. After all, this post needs to come on Easter...

Today, as I was sitting at Josh's parents house, I was thinking about Easter and all that it means. It seems that with all of the traveling and reacquainting and settling in and jet lag (we slept 15 hours on Saturday!!!), I have hardly had time to focus on God this weekend. I know most people use "not enough time" as a lame excuse, but I am completely serious and literal about it right now

Of course, that just isn't good enough. It is in these times that we must push ourselves to make time, and to show God that He is our priority.

Everyone goes on about the sacrifices Josh and I have made this last year- being away from family & friends, living in a brutal climate, acclimating to a new culture, etc. And yes, while the last year has been a blessing and privilege in many ways, it has also been a sacrifice. As a result of our decision to be obedient to God's calling on our lives, our families and friends have also had to sacrifice. It has been a challenge for us all.

But when considering "sacrifice", the term is somewhat relative. Relative to the cushy American lifestyle of TV, internet, personal vehicles, homes with multiple bedrooms, vacations, fast food, etc., our choice might look somewhat significant. But this weekend we celebrate God's sacrifice, when He gave His only Son to die for our sins. On a cross; a criminal's death. He was perfect and had done no wrong, but He suffered the consequences of my sin. He died for the salvation of the whole world, but He would have done it for any one of us.

That's real sacrifice. That is the measure against which I want to model my life. To know that my life is no sacrifice, because it isn't really mine at all.

Our dear friend Britt taught a song (by Jason Upton) that has really resonated with me this past year. The chorus says:

"Your thoughts are higher than mine
and your words are deeper than mine.
Your love is stronger than mine.
This is no sacrifice; here's my life."

People often ask us if we will return to Africa. The reality is that we just aren't sure. At this point, it seems that God may be leading us back there, but all the details are hazy and incomprehensible, so really nothing official to report. What I do know is this: I pray God will give us the courage and strength to obey His call, no matter what it might be- whenever, wherever, however. It is terrifying, especially given the fact that we know God may call us to things that are a little different than for most. But what is my life for, if not to do His will? There is nothing I can do to repay Jesus for His mercy, love, generosity, and selflessness. As I see it, all I have to give Him is everything that I am.

The Near Future

For the next couple of months, I am taking a complete break from blogging. Between finishing out our time in Africa and transitioning home, I have neither the time nor the emotional energy that blogging requires. But, once we are settled back in the States, I look forward to regaling you with the hundreds of photos, anecdotes, and stories of God making Himself known that currently fill my brain. It will be an adventure!

In the meantime, please enjoy the quotes and verses that I have set to post each day. Each of these has impacted my life during this past year. It is my hope that one, some, or all of them might meet you where you’re at.

Just Breathe

Lately, our life seems to be on some sort of speed-up mode. We have more places to be, more things to accomplish, more to pray about, more decisions to make. I guess that's what happens when you are straddling 2 "different" lives on 2 very different continents. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed, and just feel certain that I will never accomplish all that needs to be done. I get so wrapped up in the cares of this world that I forget what really matters.

If you've read this blog, you know my love for sunsets, not just for their beauty but for their symbolism as well. At the end of the day, they are my breath of fresh air. They are my reminder to slow down and not waste this moment worrying about things outside my control. If He makes a fiery ball of elements look like this, how much more can He do with those made in His image?

Falling in Love All Over Again

A while back, as I was doing my devotional, the book I was reading was talking about the character of Christ, and how we should reflect it better as we come to know Him more. I was expecting to read something about being committed and willing to sacrifice, and exhibiting Fruit of the Spirit. Specifically, we should “become a progressively more joyful, loving, and winsome person.” I completely agree with the first two, but winsome? Hmm. I wanted to know exactly what the authors meant by that term, so I looked it up. Synonyms include charming, pleasant, likeable, attractive, engaging, endearing, and appealing. Our relationship with Christ cannot be akin to the friendship with our childhood best pal. We seem to forget He is God. I found the following online, and decided I couldn’t say it any better:

“…we’ve tried to present Jesus as someone people should like, someone who is
“relevant” and fun and always good to have at parties. But mostly this “new
Jesus” ends up looking about as interesting as the store manager down at
Office Depot. He’s friendly, tame, middle class and safe!

No, you can’t re-imagine Jesus! You can’t turn him into the ‘nice guy’ down
the street. You have to take him for Who He really is – as He’s revealed
Himself in Scripture. And there you find that he’s rarely “safe”. As Mr
Beaver says to Lucy in C S Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia (the book, not the
movie!) ”He’s not a tame lion!” Nor is He “safe.”

In that same passage from the book, Lucy asks Mr Beaver if Aslan, the Lion representing Christ, is “safe”. To which he responds, "Safe? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

If I recall correctly, Jesus was not most concerned with people liking Him. In fact, he was rejected by many, if not most. He was bold, wouldn’t support sin, and offended people in the process. But he also had a spirit of ready forgiveness when people repented. He cast out evil spirits. He was and is mighty and loving and confident and kind and He works miracles with no strain at all. He secured His own death by refusing to acquiesce to Jerusalem or Rome. It doesn’t seem to me that His priority was to be winsome at all.

This week has been a time of refocusing, and I am so grateful the Lord called us to it. Time is important in missions, but not more important than keeping our eyes on God. I have fallen in love with Him all over again, not just as my Savior, but as the one who knows everything about me, even the less-than-winsome parts, and loves and adores me anyway. I can't think of a better way to prepare for our time on the mission field.

Our Status

Just a quick update to let you know our current status

• Our former assignment in Kenya fell through. We are disappointed, but grateful that God was so clear in showing us it was not a part of His will for us
• We are currently praying about an assignment in Tanzania. It is not exactly what we originally envisioned, but we are just trying to be open to the Lord's leading
• We have continued our efforts to raise support from individuals and families. Almost all of the support packets have been assembled and sent, although a few are lagging behind because I am searching for the addresses and such.
• We have continued our efforts to raise support from churches. We have met with the mission boards of two churches so far, and yesterday we had the opportunity to share with the congregations of two wonderful churches in the area. Additionally, I began making follow-up calls to churches today. I had moderate success with those I contacted, but after having a dozen or so go to voice mail, I realized it is Monday, and many churches are closed.
• Prayer requests: for clarity in assignment, and that potential supporters would seek the Lord's will and be obedient to it, whatever that may be.