Unexpected Roots

I come from a family where roots run down deep, generations back all from the same place.  I grew up 5 miles from both grandmas, and spent almost every single weekend at a family birthday party or confirmation or baptism.

I was raised on extended family life.

I watched my parents in their ministry of the here and now, always beautifying and growing their little corner of the world.  It was small and familiar and stable, and it is what allowed them to bring children with incredibly difficult, unstable lives into our family.  As my mom said late one night, as she holds my nephew asleep in the dark while we talk on the living room couches, "It was those roots that gave us that freedom."

It was what I always assumed my life would be- stable.  Move away to college, then come back.  Get married, have babies, and raise them in the same town, church, school, house I brought them home to.

But.

That hasn't been God's plan for my life so far, and it seems it will not be, at least for a long while more. Twenty-one moves in nine years remind me that life has not gone as I planned, and I am not in control.

I trust God's plan, even if I don't understand it.

God has been teaching me for the last few years about roots, and what they mean to Him.  They are not attached to time or place or anything else of this world; those are foundations of sand.  He is teaching me that He is the only safe place to attach and dwell and draw Living Water.  Geographical stability is not lasting; I am learning to drink life from the Eternal.

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Linking to 5 Minute Friday at Gypsy Mama.

Blind Obedience

A few weeks ago, God told me to stop taking new weddings.

It was a shock- and yet it wasn't.  I was surprised, yet looking back I can see whispers of Him preparing my heart.

I obeyed.  It was hard, but there is something about the energy of the time after a decision- it's a certainty, a conviction that makes obedience a little easier.

It's after the shiny newness of obedience wears off- like, say, now- when it takes looking straight up at God and putting one foot in front of the other.  To look around and get your bearings is to realize your decision doesn't make sense by the world's standards.

I am there.

I don't know what the end result of this is.  I don't know if I am done with weddings for a time or forever.  On this road, the explanation is around the bend, hidden from my view.  And there are so. many. other things going on that I don't understand right now.

I am blinded, and I think God wants it that way.

He wants me to be utterly confounded, so that there is no way I can rely on logic or reason or "figuring this out."  He is reminding me this is His story, not mine.

A few months ago, I was reading this blog post when this quote grabbed my attention:

"Lord, you are God and I am not.  May your will, not mine, be done."

I wrote it on a post-it and stuck it on my bathroom mirror until it finally fell off.  By then I had it memorized.

 The funny thing is that it doesn't say "May your will be done when it agrees with mine."  Wouldn't it be great if it worked that way?  Okay, on second thought, maybe not.  But that seems to be my leaning.

And it's sin.

And God is cleansing my heart of it...one foot in front of the other...one step at a time.

Wide

Lately, God speaks a little about a lot of things.  For me who craves depth, it leaves me squirmy.  Why does He tell me only bits and pieces, leaving me to wonder and worry about the rest?

It is His way.

I trust Him, and so I trust His way- I guess.  It is uncomfortable, broad instead of deep; wide.

My laser focus for a long time has been work.  This at the expense of relationships... health... balance... recreation... sanity... the more abundant life.

And now it's as if He wants me out of that rut and out of my head, to look wide and up and outside of my drive, and see what He has given.

He gives good gifts, and I am racing right by them.

And I sometimes see and notice, but in a hurried sense- can there be such a thing as hurried gratitude?  That space of "Yes, that's great, but there is more work to be done?"

I did it to be faithful.  An extreme interpretation of this verse, maybe.  I want to honor Him with my life.

Now He's teaching me to wait, commanding me to take a break.  This is a time of cognitive restructuring, and more importantly, a time of heart surgery.  The message I hear lately is

I care more about who you are than what you do.

I hear it, but it's almost as if it doesn't find a home in my consciousness.  So that is what I am working on, accepting this.  Work is not life.  Calling is not even the most important thing.  The tasks God places in front of us are not only by design of what skills and experience we have, but are also (and possibly more) related to how God wants us to grow.

Mind-blowing.

God cares about our hearts that much.

*****

Linking to 5 Minute Friday

Graceful

Today's word at Five Minute Friday is "graceful."  (That sentence makes me feel a little bit like a Sesame Street character...)

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I wonder where this word got it's cultural meaning.  I look it up, knowing the meaning but hoping for more inspiration.  It seems rather superficial, all about appearance.

And it's curious to me, as I know Grace as a life-giving sacrificial gift, that the definition we often use is so constraining. It seems full of rules and expectations and "shoulds", so opposite of the freedom that holds hands with Grace.

Graceful dancing.

Graceful body.

Graceful manners.

Graceful writing.

Graceful appears effortless, natural.  That seems foreign to me- my words are diligence, discipline, hard work.  And yet, maybe effortlessness is the connection that makes "grace" and "graceful" distant cousins.  Grace doesn't demand effort.  It doesn't appear natural, it allows for natural.  The boundless excess of grace makes up for my faults, effortlessly on my part.

Grace covers it all, even my lack of graceful.  It alone makes me enough.

Wardrobe Function

Just a quick post here to check in and share some fun resources.  We have been extremely busy this month- Saturday will mark our 7th wedding in 5 weeks, I went on a trip to Idaho, Josh was in the Boundary Waters, we have planned some cool events coming up for this fall, I am considering a therapy job, etc.  More on all that when I get to it : )

Anyway, we have a new fire for simplification.  We have put it on the back burner during this busy season, but we are planning on doing a big push in September.  As the weather changes, an issue that always comes up for me is wardrobe.  Sometimes it's exciting, but at this point it just elicits a groan.

[Disclaimer:  I am not now, nor will I ever be, a fashion blogger.  I am early in this journey, and I give myself a mental high-five every time I wear something other than workout clothes.  Don't judge; you know you're just jealous that I work from home and can do that : ) ]

I think it's the many paradoxes and demands of my wardrobe that frustrate me.  It needs to have:

• clothes that withstand, protect, and look good in blistering to frigid weather
• clothes and shoes that are appropriate for photographing weddings, doing therapy, hanging out with friend and family, caring for kiddos, church, work projects, working out, travel, attending events, etc.
• Lots of color- because black and gray only suffice for so long- that all mixes and matches
• the ability to hide unfavorable areas of my body that persist from before a major weight loss
• Character and relevance, simultaneously
• a VERY low price tag
• good fit

And I'd prefer to accomplish all this in 12 pieces or less.  Just kidding.  Kind of.

When I was growing up, I kept as many clothes as possible.  I literally have (and wear, but only on special occasions) the twins shirt I got in second grade.  My sister calls it ghetto, I call it vintage- whatever.  When we first got married, Josh went through my clothes and made me give away everything that was held together with a safety pin (a LOT of clothes).  Let's just say I was a long way from simplicity.

When we got back from living overseas, we got rid of at least half the stuff we had in our storage unit.  We have continued to give away more and more, and we have caught the bug.

I feel the itch for simplifying again.  It's not that we've gotten less simplified; rather it's that we've acclimated to this place and see we are still weighed down by the burden of having more possessions that we need.  

Concerning clothing, I have actually found that when I have less in my closet, it feels like more.  It's a little backwards, but I think it's because I am more thoughtful about what I keep- it has to fit, look good, be a favorite- so I am more likely to see things I look good in.

This is still very much in process, but I wanted to share a few resources I've found that might help you in the quest to simplify your wardrobe.

1. Good Girls Don't Have to Dress Bad-  So good.  Less detailed about wardrobe pieces that Glamour, but includes a lot of information about appropriate color and print choices for different complexions and body types.  The author also has a blog.
2. Glamour's Big Book of Do's and Dont's- one of my first books about your complete wardrobe.  Lot's of advice about what you do and don't need.  Less than $5 on Amazon!  [P.S. I wouldn't let your teenage son look through it, as there is a somewhat graphic conversation about undergarments.]
3. This wardrobe chart comes from the author of the first book, and it is totally FREE!  I love the concept, but I haven't yet gotten down to having the number of recommended items.  Nonetheless, it has been useful in cutting down my wardrobe, since I always fear getting rid of too much and not having "enough" (what is that, anyway?)
4. Timm Gunn's wardrobe essentials - oh, you know you love him.  May not be exactly right for every lifestyle, but a great jumping-off point.
5. The No-Brainer Wardrobe- okay, to be really honest, I just bought this book.  Nonetheless, it looks pretty solid.
6. This, this, this, and this all link to posts that might be helpful.

Hope this helps!

27 Blessings

For my birthday this year, I've decided to list 27 blessings  I am grateful for in my life thus far.  Of course, there are way too many to list, but one has to start somewhere!

1. A personal relationship with the risen Savior of mankind.  
2. A husband who loves, leads, and sacrifices for me and our future.  A man with whom this is true.
3. A vibrant, dynamic, sometimes crazy family.  They drive me insane, but I'd do anything for them.
4. A home.  God has taught me a lot about roots in the last few years.  I am open, flexible, and willing to be obedient.  However, we have now been in our home (and town) almost two years, the longest we've been anywhere since we got married.  This temporary grace is not lost on me.
5. Growing up in what I am convinced is one of the most beautiful places in the world.
6. The little ones that we get to love, even though they aren't our own.
7. Clean water to drink and nourishing food to eat- this is no small thing.
8. Being born into a situation where I was cared for and had opportunities to grow physically, cognitively, and spiritually.
9. Being able to practice my faith openly, without punishment.
10. Holding Josh's hand.
11. My education (thanks for encouraging me, Mom and Dad!)
12. That God has broken my heart for the orphan, and has guided me in my part in caring for children without families.
13. Having the opportunity to see many wonderful places in the world.
14. Being married to my best friend.
15. Access to good medical care.
16. Beautiful friendships that withstand the test of time and distance.
17. Learning to trust and have faith (in process).
18. Photography.
19. Curiosity and compassion.
20. Growing up near enough to my grandparents that I have strong relationships with them.
21. Physical health.
22. That God holds my hand through the hard times, and hurts along with me.
23. Dancing in warm rain.
24. Mom's cooking.
25. Scripture.
26. Catching fireflies.
27. That God's plan for my life, has been so much better, bigger, richer, and more complex than I would have ever imagined.  It wasn't my plan, but I am grateful He has given me the courage to follow.

What are you most grateful for right now?

And So I Take A Stand (Even a Tiny One)

Disclaimer:  These thoughts are to my fellow followers in Christ (or to non-followers who want the behind-the-scenes view of what Christians talk about to each other).

In the past month, there have been 2 mass shootings, a large-scale drought, the international athletic celebration that happens but once every four years, political unrest in many parts of the world, and almost 200,000 children have become newly orphaned.

In short, there has been a lot going on.

What strikes me as strange, however, is that those aren't the issues I am hearing or reading most about.  In contrast, the Chick-fil-A debate/debacle/drama is all over my news feed and feed reader- still.

There is so much I could say, and so much that has already been said.  Rachel Held Evans has a nice synthesis of the issue here, and I'm also liking this post.  Visit those posts for far better writing and more complete thought and whatnot; I figure since they already did it, why waste my time?

But as I listen to all the Chick-fil-A related rumblings out there, I am reminded of something my mom used to tell me when I was a kid:  As Christians, we are already selling a message.  She always reminded/reminds me that there are only so many causes you can take on before they begin to get watered down.  And I have to wonder if we haven't missed the mark here, if engaging in heated debate and boycotting the restaurant or posting pictures to support it isn't overextending ourselves.  I like what Rachel Held Evans says about drawing an imaginary line between Christians and the GLBT community where there doesn't need to be one. Is that what we want?  To push this group of people even further from Christ?

This whole topic brings up so many issues for me that I have been learning about and working on for the last few years.  God is stretching me and molding me and it's scary to even share that.  I hope someday I have the guts to share the rest.

What I know for certain is this- I want to see all people have relationships with Jesus, including those from the GLBT community.  Jesus loves each of them so much, and I want to tell them that.  And while I want to be bold for the Lord, I think that it can usually be done in a kind and caring manner.  After all, I don't think anyone who's GLBT is going to sign up for a relationship with Jesus because I shove a Chick-fil-A bag in their face.  I would rather use that time and energy to love, encourage, and to hear their story and tell them they matter to Jesus.  This may sound like a ridiculous naive view, but it's surprising how many people from the GLBT community have been told only horrible, hateful things by the Christian community.  I wonder what would happen if we simplified our message, if we just started loving and praying.  If we let God be the convictor, and instead we were the servants.  What would happen if we gave Jesus the space to move?

Complaining and Bragging At the Same Time

I read this article in the middle of the night last night.  Even in the midst of my bleary-eyed fog, it made perfect sense.  If you are are reading this, it will probably make sense to you, too.

"If you live in America in the 21st century you’ve probably had to listen to a lot of people tell you how busy they are. It’s become the default response when you ask anyone how they’re doing: “Busy!” “So busy.” “Crazy busy.” It is, pretty obviously, a boast disguised as a complaint."

This phenomena has annoyed me for a long time.  How should one respond to the complaint of busyness, especially when stated negatively and not cheerfully?  So many times, it's as if people want sympathy for the consequences of their own choices:

"It’s almost always people whose lamented busyness is purely self-imposed: work and obligations they’ve taken on voluntarily, classes and activities they’ve “encouraged” their kids to participate in. They’re busy because of their own ambition or drive or anxiety, because they’re addicted to busyness and dread what they might have to face in its absence."

How does one respond to "well, I've overscheduled myself and I don't like it and now I am going to complain to you and please make me feel better?"  I don't know.  Don't get me wrong- this is not me simply pointing out the flaws of others, this is me admitting my own.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have been doing.  My mom talks about me sitting at the kitchen table and doing my "projects" (leftover Sunday school materials from my Grandma) at two years old.  It has been a lifelong habit, maybe even an obsession.  But it flies in the face of Scripture.  A verse that I have been meditating on a lot lately is:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." - Matthew 11:28-29

I am not sure what Jesus' yoke looks like, but I know I want it.  And the days of working 16 hours straight and not eating a real meal or going to the gym or leaving my house or even knowing what time it is, of just 5 minutes of undivided attention for my husband when he gets home, of stress and frustration and being burned out; well, I just don't think that's God's way.

 "The present hysteria is not a necessary or inevitable condition of life; it’s something we’ve chosen, if only by our acquiescence to it."

This quote reminds me: It is a CHOICE.  As Josh and I are in a time of transition and making lot's of changes anyway, why not throw one more in the mix?  I am 26 right now, and I have wasted too many years being "busy."  I would rather be purposeful, obedient, and peaceful.  That's easy to say, but challenging to do, especially in a culture that often equates rest with laziness and busyness with success.  But I don't want to follow the world, I want to follow Jesus.  I am jumping off the train of insanity, and I am hoping to take others with me.  Wanna come?

Two Words

I've never done a link-up before, but her question intrigues me:

What is saving your life right now?

And after reading her answer, and finding it's not some rote, Sunday-school response, but real and practical and in-this-moment, I think I just might give it a try.

What's saving my life right now is two words.

Just two.

This from the person who almost always has more than enough words.

Over the last few months, God has been very choosy about what He speaks to me when I listen.  There are rumblings of multiple thoughts and ideas, but only two words are clear and repeated and undeniable.  I think He might be speaking so judiciously out of a plan to get me to focus.

The first is SLOW.

A foreign concept to me.  I am rarely slow, and to slow causes me anxiety.  I have been hearing this one for a while now, but wasn't certain how to obey.  I started doing individual actions slower, and praying and meditating on verses that relate to "slow" and "rest" and "be," but nothing really sunk in until last week.  Josh told me I seemed really scatterbrained, and I agreed that I was.  I was all over the place and had no idea how to fix it.  He asked what I needed; I said I didn't know, but if I had a client like me, I might suggest a break.

Long story shorter, I will be taking an extended break this fall- from shooting, editing, therapy, research, etc. I haven't even really wrapped my head around it or sorted out details, but we both feel peace that this is glorifying to the Lord.  And if I am honest, it's part of what's saving me right now.  I have lots more to say, but that will come another time.

The second is LEAN.


He spoke this to me Friday for the first time, so there has been significantly less fleshing-out of this concept for me.  But the thing that sticks out to me, that I love, is that to lean is an action.  It is not passive, it is something I can do.  I don't know why that makes a difference but it does.  And if it is important enough for God to say it clearly in this time of limited speaking on His part, it's important enough for me to follow.

What is saving your life right now?

Linking to www.sarahbessey.com.

Delete Distraction

I did something today that I am pretty sure I never thought I would do:


I deleted my Pinterest boards.


{FULL DISCLOSURE: I will continue to have a membership for if I need to search something specific, and a board for my clients.}
 

Yeah, I know.


It's something I believe I've felt the Lord leading me to for a few days now, but it {sadly} has taken that time for me to be obedient.


Because I like Pinterest.  Neat little organized virtual bulletin boards, what could be sinful about that?


But for me it was heading in that direction.


I love the concept, and I've been on there for a long, long time now.  The promise of perfection, of a Martha-Stewart-perfect world in which everything looked beautiful all the time.  Of efficiency, originality, creativity.  {Would you believe, though, that it has in many ways stifled my creativity????}  I had hundreds of pins, representing more time searching and browsing than I care to admit.  It began as a useful tool- a place to get ideas for and organize Christmas gifts and recipes.  I was drawn to the control of it all- no mess, no uncertainty, no real life.


But it has become a crutch and a temptation.  I've known since I was very young that whatever I do, I give 100%.  That has been a blessing and a curse.  Pinterest has become like one more to-do list in the back of my head, one of pressures and "shoulds" and I'd-be-a-better-wife-if and comparison and discontent and it brought me back to something I said when talking to a dear friend earlier this month:


"I just don't have time for satan's games."


We are on this earth for just a very short time.  I want to be full of Jesus, overflowing with the Holy Spirit with love to others.  I don't have room or time or resources to spare- we have a purpose and a calling and a reason He has placed us on this earth.  I am so grateful God opened my eyes before this became more of a issue.  Now that I've divorced myself from it, I am able to see more clearly what I distraction it had become.


And that is what scares me- distraction.


I've shared a lot on here about our desire to live simply.  Purposefully.  Free {as much as possible} from distractions.  We have very obviously seen the acquisition of material goods as distracting to us.  It's like every time you buy something new, satan whispers "More, more."  He is the father of lies, and he will do anything he can to get us to believe that Jesus isn't enough.


And that is a big, fat lie.  Jesus is enough.  No amount of perfect recipes or decor or fashion or crafts is going to satisfy.  They are here and gone, and leaving us wanting more.  But He is so faithful, drawing us near, loving, teaching, merciful, and caring.  He loves us as we REALLY are.  I'd rather work on that relationship than on false perfection any day.


I feel a little more free already.







***DISCLAIMER: This is not to be seen as a commentary on Pinterest in general, but on my personal experience.***

Patient

He calls me, to something I don't want.  Like so many times before.

"This wasn't part of our plan, God," I say.  Our plan?  Where do I get this stuff?

I say I want to obey, that I want His will, and most of the time I do.  Maybe 90%.  The times that I don't, I sometimes try to pretend, to lie to myself and to Him.  That doesn't get me very far.

And I walk in discipline, if not obedience, throwing God's promises in His face.  Taking on a rebellious teenage attitude with half my heart, and striving to glorify Him with the rest.  Reminding Him that I am only doing this because He promised that, as if He doesn't already know.

My flesh and spirit battle.

This is a war I know I can't win on my own, and I cry to Him for help.  And He listens, and lovingly responds.

To me.  The one who may have obeyed Him in action, but defied Him in my heart.

He is forgiving.  Patient.

I wonder in these times what He thinks.  Is He laughing at my foolishness?  Grieving in disappointment?  Fully expecting this is how I would respond?

Maybe all those things.

But He continues to wait on me, and holds hope for my growth and change and sanctification, even when I don't.

He shows me grace today.

And tomorrow, we will do it all over again.